It’s been a long time in my mind’s eye but I finally took the plunge…as one of my newly found beautiful sisters said..I’m now an Ink girl!!
So the time has come to take a deep breath and put my big girl pants on…and possibly arm myself with a couple of Tena Ladies?
Why now? Well let’s see ….the last twelve months have rocked and rolled like a bouy bobbing in the Atlantic….it seems around every corner was another drama…The most notable episode was meeting up with my two gorgeous sisters , long lost siblings on my BF side. As if we’d always been in each others lives, we laughed, chatted non stop without really drawing breath..How three women meeting in the flesh for the first time can bond in an instant and pledge unconditional love and loyalty is a beautiful thing.
A weekend of seeing what makes each other tick ,whilst all the time knowing life would never be quite the same again. Makes me emotional just thinking about it. With onlookers who after learning we were meeting for the very first time, confirmed it was as though we’d known each other years. Biology aside, I am blessed and can honestly say my siblings both adoptive and by birth are all amazing and easy to love.
The other major drama to hit 2018 was in May. Call it sixth sense but after just a few days of silence and non-responses to messages I just knew in my gut something was wrong. With my Dads ongoing health issues I’m not immune to a heightened sense of anxiety when it comes to the possibility of an emergency. But this was different, I felt a nausea that rumbled low in my tummy every time the phone rang out or my texts were left hanging…like I was being ignored but not in a mean way..but as a warning bell. My instincts were right. My BM had suffered a near fatal brain haemorrhage and remains unable to speak or breath without a tube ever since. Its truly heart breaking.
My relationship with my Mother is the best it has been in as long as I can remember. Helped by a shared understanding of what it means to raise an adopted child, coupled with a mutual respect, now the dust has settled… as well as the same emotional bond to my Dads plight.
All of these issues and other more minor, had an impact on my mental and emotional wellbeing and as a result the fear of a tattoo was outweighed heavily by the need to mark this chapter in my life.
So with my daughter filming the event for her Vlog, and in the company of the eldest of my new found younger Sisters we settled ourselves around the Tattoo artist. I braved myself having heard horror stories of horrific pain.
As I’d told myself nothing could be like the pain of labour , how bad could it be? In short it was like being scratched badly with a blade on the straight bits and gauged with a razor blade with the colouring in…to be fair if someone caused that sort of pain without it being to create something pretty, I would have had to punch them in the neck.
So I’m not gonna lie, I was pleased when it ended and pinching my own finger to defer the pain was losing its appeal..
So the end result is a beautiful tribute to my Mother and my Birth Mother. It is exactly as I’d dreamed it would be..simple, yet complex amd where I can control who sees it and who doesnt.
I know I’ll have another…and already know what that will be…
For now I’m riding out the slight itchy scabbing but know it’s what I needed to do and at the right time..
My confession to my Mother who is yet to see my body art , was interesting.
I told her I had something to show her…she immediately said You’ve never got a tattoo!? No one I know could have told her..the assumption was it would be obvious and out there! I explained she was on it…as an initial you understand ,not in a creepy “image of your face” kind of way!
I assured her it was a great tattoo and she’d like it as it was meaningful and summed up what she means to me and how I value and honour my adoptive status as her daughter. She sounded moved and that choked my throat so we moved on…
My nearest and dearest love it, sadly my little man calls it ‘Mummy’s Baddie’ thinking I’ve been wounded in someway..I correct him with ‘Mummy’s Tattoo’ means nothing to him of course but in fairness it is for him too..Adopting him in one of my best and proudest achievements…I feel sad for those who see any negative in his adoption and not because of their own experiences of it..I mean those in my own circle who chose to view it as something wrong in the world..Unsaid bigotry is a terrible thing and I know we’ve done a good thing here. With his big brown eyes looking worriedly at my arm as if he can make it better…I say to him ” Look what we have here baby boy, one day I hope you will want to have the same symbol in honour of your adoption too…once we get past the “I hate you, you’re not my mum!” stage that is 😊
For those who don’t know the Symbol of adoption..or who need a slap for not reading my previous posts…
The triangle represents the three main characters involved..both the birth mother and the adoptive mother and the adoptee and all are enveloped in the heart representing love. I’ve added all our initials and favourite flowers .That is it..simple yet truly loaded with all I hold dear..
I hope you like it..
Thanks go to Rob Daliftkid Lawrence at Inkwa Tattoo London,
Thanks for reading
Black Sheep xxx