I’m Just Not Ready…

I’m just not ready to say goodbye
The sun’s shining in bright blue sky
The tree blossom showing , all flowers in bloom
Birds singing, as if I’m rhyme

I’m just not ready, it’s not your time

My heart is breaking as you gaze at my face Stop the clocks , it feels like a race
Your breathing and smiling, It’s too unfair

I start welling up, such an intense stare.

Only last week you were in your favourite chair
It’s cushions moulded to your shape as if still sat there
I asked if you were in any pain, we’d never know as you never complain

Your stoical pride always so dignified
I had to leave the room before I cried
The last words youve said were admitting the struggle
All I could do was give you a cuddle

I’m just not ready to let you go!
I’ve more to say, exactly what I don’t really know
But this ride is too fast and I want it to stop
I feel I’m at the edge of a precipice about to drop

The kindest man alive  doesn’t deserve such cruelty
The man who’s my constant ,whose never judged me
It’s hard to see how small you’ve become
Yet your aura shines bright like a mid summer Sun

I can’t hold your gaze the way you do right now
I’ve cried by your side but don’t want you upset
So I glance away and share news to fill  quiet air
And then I look back and yet still you stare

As if committing my face to memory
Like there’s something you’re trying to say
But I know how much you’ve loved me
No conditions, no judgement, just let me be

I’m just not ready, I’ve so much more to share
Birthdays, Father’s Day, dates I’ll now dread
You know you’re my hero, this is so hard to bear
I need much more time to say words unsaid

You’re such a huge presence, my rock, you’re my Dad
You’re squeezing my hand , the last of your  strength is making me sad
Of all the men in my life you’re my number one
Im just not ready to imagine you gone

I’ve told you grandad and gran will greet you with a welcome embrace
They’re waiting to see your shining brown eyes and relaxed smiling  face

I said you’ll be happy,  healthy and ready to rest
And the sun will be shining and warm on your skin
Back to your elegant, tall upright best
Stronger and agile and no longer thin

You gaze at your wife, who you clearly adore
It’s poignant and moving, you can’t love her  more
I weep as I watch you reach for her hands.
One pressed to your lips in a gesture so pure

I’m just not ready yet to see you leave
I can’t face the prospect of having to grieve
You’re Dad and my hero and you belong right here
Please please stop the clocks for at least one more year

Time is a healer or so they keep saying
It’s not, it’s a thief, and you should be staying!
Don’t go, don’t leave,you can’t say goodbye
I’m just not ready, I just want to cry

If there is a heaven I know you’ll be there
And this must be hell , as it’s so hard to bear
This ride is too fast, Im not having a blast
At least slow it down, I need it to last

My heart is in pieces, bit by bit it’s cracking
I don’t know what to say, my vocabulary lacking
I know you’re so tired, the fight can’t go on
But I’m just not ready, to think of you gone

Stop the world now, I want to get off
I’m taking you with me to hide you away
The time can go backwards, give back all you’ve lost
This cruel hard disease has just too high a cost

Your little girl running round through your legs
In my bright coloured poncho and beads in my hair
We giggled together, so enjoying our game
Me laughing and hiding,you calling my name

My fingers have scars from a toy pram event
My cousin riding, me pushing then down the pram went
Landed on soft knuckles, I screamed for my Dad
Mum patched up my hands, the cuts pretty bad
But what I remember most from back then
You repaired Sally, my doll talking again

I’m just not ready, part of me is dying too
It’s just so unfair, you chose me, and I chose you
When presented to you as a baby, you were asked and you confidently declared
Yes she will, she will definitely do!

Adoption is giving new life to a child
Never doubt how much you have shaped my life
My world has been safer with you within it

I’d give anything for another year, month, week , day or minute

I’ve loved you my whole life with my heart, head, and soul
I can’t think of you leaving such a huge heart shaped hole

Don’t leave us, you can’t, I don’t want you to go

Please turn back the clock,  but it’s selfish I know
To lose you is to free you but my heart is so torn
I want you to stay but your pain has to go
The only thing I know right now and for sure….

I’m just not ready……💔

Thanks for reading ❤️
Much love
Black Sheep xxx

Read My Book

New Ways to Spice Up Cornrow Hairstyles | Un-ruly

To kick off 2021 I am introducing a few new resources to you …the first is Black Hair & Beauty ..articles and cool info I find that may be useful and or entertaining to my loyal followers…


Heads up..2021 is bringing back Black Sheep..much to reflect on and share with you.. it’s good to be back 💕

While you’re hear ..have a look at my new look websites www.lafeenoire.com and www.blackfairyboutique.co.uk

Black Sheep xxx
PS. Just in case you’re still not familiar with my story, you can grab my book as digital download on www.lulu.com or grab it in paper book here on Amazon

Embracing causes close to my heart alongside my great collections of maternity, gifts , jewellery and home wares
You could say I’ve decided to lift the lid of my business life and introduce the otherwise serious side of Black Sheep..

Happy New Year ❤️

Chill with a cuppa and watch this space …


Growing up with RACISM

Growing up in a racist world: So two of my favorite men are my big brothers. Growing up in a white family I guess I was somewhat protected from the reality of my cultural difference. You could say that’s where the nickname Bounty comes from…you know Chocolate on the outside etc….got to admit to having little clue how to be around Black people as I was just not used to it. Nights out in clubs and spotted by black men scared me as the attention was palpable. Again it was alien to me. As I grew a thicker skin I understood Racism was never going away but my understanding of the racist jibes would get clearer. I distinctly remember my first bully. He was fixated by me from day one at my first primary school. His pet name for me was BAD APPLE.

Throughout the entire time at this Sheffield school, I felt the agony of looking out for him and waiting for the name, EVERY DAY. On my last day at that school, which was already a sad day as I was saying goodby to my BFF Sarah Lutton 💖 I can still see him and hear his taunts from atop a single skin wall in the playground. I stood and took it for some time, over and over BAD APPLE, GO BACK TO THE JUNGLE, WANT A BANANA N etc , You get the picture….
My rage grew from the pit of my stomach and built up and up until I saw the red blood in my eyes. Ironically I was holding an apple ( I kid you not!) I threw the apple at this boy as hard as I could and hit him square in the chest. It landed with such force he fell backward off the wall. I learned sometime later that he broke his wrist when he hit the ground. Often I wonder if he is now suffering horrific arthritis in his wrist to this day.? Heres hoping hey
My point is I can clearly see this episode as if it were yesterday. It never leaves you.
Fast forward to adulthood. Now it’s fair to say I like a laugh and will even make jokes at my own expense..BUT that’s my right
When my own late Father in Law told me to ‘smile because it was dark’…did I call him out? Nope..to save his embarrassment. THAT IS RACIST. It amused him of course….the fact his grandaughter is mixed race and was also present never entered his head. I loved him but lost a heap of respect for him at that moment. Had I called him out in front of my kids who would feel worse? ME! BUT it may have saved enduring similar over the years. Did my husband call him out? Nope. Probably never would. Misguided and subtle racism cuts as deep as the obvious wounding words

A tongue cuts deeper than a knife…remember that

When a close mate of my inlaws commented on how well my tan was coming on…did I call him out? Nope…to spare his embarrassment. The fact he looks like he’s a bad case of windburn was neither here nor there! Still, I bit my tongue

I could go on…but you’re probably glazing over. I won’t stop being vocal until I feel my circle get it. Feel free to delete me, then ill know who doesn’t…

I am blessed on many fronts, not only because I grew up with two amazing big brothers who I always considered to be my guardians as any little sister would (possibly the other way round now!LOL) But in recent years I have been found by my biological siblings and found to be one of 14. Now my world is a brilliant mash-up of culture and color and I am truly grateful.

Every single person has the right to feel that they belong. Imagine how you’d feel if you were told to GO HOME TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM yet as far as you were aware you already were HOME

I’ll leave you with that thought x


Thoughts on the Race Riots

OK so the global protests and riots are NOT helping the course. Nicking trainers from a store and battering the store owners are feeding into the narrative that feeds the likes of Trump Supporters ( delete me if you are one BTW, I won’t be sorry to see you go!lol)

Many will be using this issue as an excuse to break out of lockdown. Others will see themselves as supporting an issue that they themselves have ignored for decades. There is still a global pandemic. Nothing has changed. I would love to attend a peaceful rally in support of my fellow Black and minority population. However, THERE IS A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. It will now spread worse than the bush fires of Australia..remember them? Cases will rise and deaths will be in their thousands as protesters infect each other and then return to their lockdown homes and clap the NHS on their doorstep..if that’s still a thing. Think about it, read about it, learn why it is still happening in 2020. I am happy to answer anything racism-related, I am an open book!
Its the subtle racism that cuts to the quick. The ‘jokes’ at our expense, the sniggering behind our back at something offensive. The Alf Garnet style attitude that’s alive and well in this country has to be seen as abhorrent and not funny.
My much-respected late FIL said to me once ‘Rachel, smile its a bit dark we can’t see you!’ I loved him and yet I should have called him out on it….in front of my children and my husband I kept quiet but cried inside.

The neighbor who called me a WOG and I called the police to show my kids it was totally unacceptable. High-level NHS director didn’t lose her job as I elected to caution and not an arrest. The red-faced windburned looking friend of the family who congratulated me on my tan?! Did I call him out, No, I spared his embarrassment? The old lady in the village shop who scowls at the sight of me clutches her granny bag under her armpit when drawing out her pension….Do I look like a fucking mugger to you?

Hundreds of incidences, too many to mention. Never called out on it… Not any more..I am 50 years of age and NOTHING has changed but now I am eccentric I will change my reaction…I will call out on it. I am done

Thanks for reading

An exhausted Black Sheep 😴



Attempting to survive my late-discovery adoption and the two tiny humans I created with humor, honesty, and weekly therapy sessions.


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