Sibling Rivalry

Before I proceed with the process of adding to my lovely family I want to give some thought to a subject touched on before. Remember my growing relationship with a half sibling sister on my Birth Mother’s side.? Well things progressed…..

Someone who shares the same genetic makeup is not necessarily going to fit your ideal just because you share blood lines.

Taking you back….I’d found this sibling way back in my search for BM. Of course unbeknown to me, she had also been given up for adoption. Therefore she too had a name change. Fortunately really because she did have a fairly shite name!;-)

Anyway, I had always maintained I had no interest in finding anyone other than my BM. My Mum told me this was hopefully naive as baggage would drag along with her. Of course she was right but I remained resolute in my decision. Even armed (not dangerous) with the name and postal address of this half sister I sat on it for over 3 years before making contact. My Birth Mother of course prayed regularly for us to reunite but I wouldn’t until the time felt right.

I already knew who and where she worked. I had her in my LinkedIn…well why not? And as you know because we share a similar work life..well loosely. So I obviously had the advantage. Now she had once already shyed away from our fledgling friendship for fear of getting too close. She claimed she was unable to sustain a friendship by WhatsApp but felt she did want to meet me. Perhaps I could write her news in a handwritten letter. Perhaps she could kiss my arse? I’m a wife with kids , work, juggling aging parents…( Not literally you understand, that would just be silly and not practical)

What am I?? 80 with access to a feathered quill? Sod off…..

In reality I should have listened to my gut and stepped away from the woman at this point….but I left the lines of communication open and didn’t block her. Her constant need to tell me all about her awful work life and how her friends behaved badly to her was beginning to wear me down. She regularly fantasized about men in the public eye so would reach out for me to agree that so-&-so was hot blah blah..when invariably they were lucky if they were lukewarm.

I think from now I will refer to her without affection as BFF (Bonkers Fruit Loop Frenemy)..see what I did there?😂

So BFF went quiet around Christmas 2015 ,just before our trip when we decided to pursue adoption. To reiterate a quote ” she couldn’t sustain a friendship on WhatsApp”. Despite this we mutually agreed not to meet even though she felt her application to migrate to Oz may happen the next Spring.

I was fine with this as although lost money in train fair I knew she was unhinged.

Sadly as time and bickering went on,it became clear we literally only shared DNA…which should in this case stand for DO NOT APPROACH! Her self loathing and hatred if her past,her present and all who encountered her was only marginally less than her hatred it seemed of yours truly . And certainly of our Birth Mother. The Dear John she had send in the not too distant past still had left a black cloud over our BM and I don’t think she was aware that I knew about it.I was sure she had no clue the damage it had done,nor did she give a shit!

I digress……

Her suspicion and paranoid reaction to everything was draining. If there was even the most miniscule chance to find a negative slant on a comment she would find it….You see,if you agreed with her you were fine..if not you were on a sticky wicket and would feel her wrath. She had a nasty tongue in that head I tell you. I’m not one for proof reading a text if written from the hip. Jeez, I struggle to proof read this blog!!!

I make no apology for saying it as I see it, never have…. so I was damned if I was going to start now with a complete stranger. Nope!

For example on one occasion we chatted about her neice who was saying she didn’t feel she could visit her in Oz next year if indeed she had moved by then. She told me she couldn’t believe how ungrateful that was. A free holiday.

On closer inspection said Free Holiday was accommodation only so not free at all…did she not see that a month off a job and a flight to Oz wasn’t a easy ask for someone in their early 20’s on a standard wage. I managed to bite my tongue for a while as she railed against her neice and her lack of support for HER and her lack of excitement about a trip down under (albeit self-funded).

Eventually I venture tentatively with “Maybe it’s not a dream of hers to visit Oz, it’s not for everyone and it’s a hell of a long way for a jolly!?” ..trying to keep it light.

BFF replies “Well it’s an amazing place I don’t understand her attitude”

Well now I bit.”I get it though, it doesn’t make her a bad person because she’s not up for it..It’s a major undertaking to travel to bottom of the globe..basically the other side of the world and take all that time off…I don’t see gratitude coming into it at all…”

Well….you’d think I had just murdered her neice, shaved her head and stuck it in a freaking spike…the reaction I got for trying to reason was thus…

BFF “I never said she was a bad person, I’ll thank you to keep you opinions on my niece to yourself. I was merely mentioning that I had generously invited her to visit and she declined …how dare you insinuate that she is a bad person!!?

What the actual f…? What did I say?

So you get the gist..treading carefully with such a volatile personality was very tiring and left me often second guessing and re writing text over and over until it said nothing at all that could be misconstrued. That’s NOT easy and isn’t how I roll….Her expectation was that I would agree with everything and be her Yes person at the end of the line.

Er Nope…I’m not that person, never was, so I am confused as to how or why she thinks this would ever work out between us.

In fairness it wasn’t working out at all and I think her aim was to keep me on elastic..pull me in and let me bounce away again,like a bobbing balloon seeping it’s helium …what am I supposed to do with that sort of person?…step away is what…

We moved on and I was left smarting and hurt by the fact she was clearly determined to misunderstand me at every turn.

In my life I have learned that people are often challenging and people can change… close friends may become too comfortable in a friendship to the point where they know so much about you they use what they know to wound you if given the chance. Someone I believed always had my back did exactly that. She knows who she is but only she knows why she turned. We went back many years and shared breakups, marriages, holidays and birthday celebrations. She was a sister by another mother and we even referred to each other as Sisters. Lessons we’re learned ,guard went up as she showed an aura that was very unpleasant. At that point when someone who you trust with the lives of your children turns on you unexpectedly and with no explanation you have to step away. In the words of multicolored haired Cyndi Lauper, her True Colours came shining through….

I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. You think you know a person then realise you don’t actually want to share important stuff with them as you no longer trust them or their opinions. It’s a strange thing. In that particular case I consider myself well rid and steer clear as really not worth my energy.

In the case of BFF we didn’t have the luxury of such history. Therefore she was on a three strikes and your out as far as I was concerned.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t discuss her with my BM or vise versa and managed to keep to this for some time. Eventually of course I could no longer afford BFF that courtesy.

Partly to warn BM what a nut job her other adopted daughter has turned into.

I have no idea exactly why this attractive and intelligent woman is quite so bitter. Ive only been able to piece together snippets of the scant personal information she has disclosed. I get the distinct impression her adoption was not as mine. I sense an envy there when she mentions feuds and fall outs amongst her family.

The dust settled and she proceeds with her application to emigrate. Partly I think as apparently EVERYONE at work hates her, EVERY single person there is an out and out racist and out to get her. Oz of course is the least racist country by a Trump mile.yeah right…..ffs!

Her being passed over for promotion is if course because they are racist..not at all to do with her inability to manage people because she rubs them up the wrong way. Of course not. Ha!

So after some weeks of me putting my size 8 foot in my mouth I resigned to the fact that me and this genetic match were just too different and she was bloody hard work.

We exchanged several bitchy whatsapp messages…resulting in her blocking me..which was surprisingly gratifying..However, and proof positive the girl is two sarnies short of a picnic, she then emails me to tell me I’m blocked and urge me not to contact her again! lol 😂..Who does that?? Pure twatism is what that is..

So now its game on ..nothing to lose as frankly I’m having the last word…I tell her to run along, pack her bags but be sure to weigh them before heading to the airport. I warned her the weight baggage allowance might not be sufficient if she carried the chip on her shoulder in her hold baggage…she didn’t like that and bit back with some convoluted explanation as to why I was needy in wanting a relationship with our BM, unlike her who sought her out of simple curiosity.

You can imagine my response….need I say more?

Anyway , this leads me neatly onto tell you that not all of my newly discovered siblings share this genetic makeup…As it happens in total I am one of a possible 14 or so beautiful, bonkers human beings..Yep you read that right..slowly getting my head around it I have already a close bond to two younger sisters and I’m excited to soon be meeting more long lost siblings.

To be able to say “my sisters” and know they see me as their “big sister”is amazing , surreal but definitely amazing…more of that in due course!

For now I’ve promised you a few reviews and the next one will be from one of my newly discovered sister’s..

Good night for now ,this Black Sheep is off to count siblings!!

Lots of Love

Black Sheep x

PS. you might like to refer to a post from when I first discovered the siblings on my BM side here

https://blacksheepsweetdreams.me/2016/03/16/my-journey-siblings-unknown/

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Sibling Rivalry

Before I proceed with the process of adding to my lovely family I want to give some thought to a subject touched on before. Remember my growing relationship with a half sibling sister on my Birth Mother’s side.? Well things progressed…..

Someone who shares the same genetic makeup is not necessarily going to fit your ideal just because you share blood lines.

Taking you back….I’d found this sibling way back in my search for BM. Of course unbeknown to me, she had also been given up for adoption. Therefore she too had a name change. Fortunately really because she did have a fairly shite name!;-)

Anyway, I had always maintained I had no interest in finding anyone other than my BM. My Mum told me this was hopefully naive as baggage would drag along with her. Of course she was right but I remained resolute in my decision. Even armed (not dangerous) with the name and postal address of this half sister I sat on it for over 3 years before making contact. My Birth Mother of course prayed regularly for us to reunite but I wouldn’t until the time felt right.

I already knew who and where she worked. I had her in my LinkedIn…well why not? And as you know because we share a similar work life..well loosely. So I obviously had the advantage. Now she had once already shyed away from our fledgling friendship for fear of getting too close. She claimed she was unable to sustain a friendship by WhatsApp but felt she did want to meet me. Perhaps I could write her news in a handwritten letter. Perhaps she could kiss my arse? I’m a wife with kids , work, juggling aging parents…( Not literally you understand, that would just be silly and not practical)

What am I?? 80 with access to a feathered quill? Sod off…..

In reality I should have listened to my gut and stepped away from the woman at this point….but I left the lines of communication open and didn’t block her. Her constant need to tell me all about her aweful work life and how her friends behaved badly to her was beginning to wear me down. She regularly fantasized about men in the public eye so would reach out for me to agree that so-&-so was hot blah blah..when invariably they were lucky if they were lukewarm.

I think from now I will refer to her without affection as BFF (Bonkers Fruitloop Frenemy)..see what I did there?😂

So BFF went quiet around Christmas 2015 ,just before our trip when we decided to pursue adoption. To reiterate a quote ” she couldn’t sustain a friendship on WhatsApp”. Despite this we mutually agreed not to meet even though she felt her application to migrate to Oz may happen the next Spring.

I was fine with this as although lost money in train fair I knew she was unhinged.

Sadly as time and bickering went on,it became clear we literally only shared DNA…which should in this case stand for DO NOT APPROACH! Her self loathing and hatred if her past,her present and all who encountered her was only marginally less than her hatred it seemed of yours truly . And certainly of our Birth Mother. The Dear John she had send in the not too distant past still had left a black cloud over our BM and I don’t think she was aware that I knew about it.I was sure she had no clue the damage it had done,nor did she give a shit!

I digress……

Her suspicion and paranoid reaction to everything was draining. If there was even the most miniscule chance to find a negative slant on a comment she would find it….You see,if you agreed with her you were fine..if not you were on a sticky wicket and would feel her wrath. She had a nasty tongue in that head I tell you. I’m not one for proof reading a text if written from the hip. Jeez, I struggle to proof read this blog!!!

I make no apology for saying it as I see it, never have…. so I was damned if I was going to start now with a complete stranger. Nope!

For example on one occasion we chatted about her neice who was saying she didn’t feel she could visit her in Oz next year if indeed she had moved by then. She told me she couldn’t believe how ungrateful that was. A free holiday.

On closer inspection said Free Holiday was accommodation only so not free at all…did she not see that a month off a job and a flight to Oz wasn’t a easy ask for someone in their early 20’s on a standard wage. I managed to bite my tongue for a while as she railed against her neice’s lack of support for HER and her lack of excitement about a trip down under (albeit self-funded).

Eventually I venture tentatively with “Maybe it’s not a dream of hers to visit Oz, it’s not for everyone and it’s a hell of a long way for a jolly!?” ..trying to keep it light.

BFF replies “Well it’s an amazing place I don’t understand her attitude”

Well now I bit.”I get it though, it doesn’t make her a bad person because she’s not up for it..It’s a major undertaking to travel to bottom of the globe..basically the other side of the world and take all that time off…I don’t see gratitude coming into it at all…”

Well….you’d think I had just murdered her neice, shaved her head and stuck it in a freaking spike…the reaction I got for trying to reason was thus…

BFF “I never said she was a bad person, I’ll thank you to keep you opinions on my niece to yourself. I was merely mentioning that I had generously invited her to visit and she declined …how dare you insinuate that she is a bad person!!?

What th actual f…? What did I say?

So you get the gist..treading carefully with such a volatile personality was very tiring and left me often second guessing and re writing text over and over until it said nothing at all that could be misconstrued. Thats NOT easy and isn’t how I roll….Her expectation was that I would agree with everything and be her Yes person at the end of the line.

Er Nope…I’m not that person, never was, so am confused as to how or why she thinks this would ever work out between us.

In fairness it wasn’t working out at all and I think her aim was to keep me on elastic..pull me in and let me bounce away again,like a bobbing balloon seeping it’s helium …what am I supposed to do with that sort of person?…step away is what…

We moved on and I was left smarting and hurt by the fact she was clearly determined to misunderstand me at every turn.

In my life I have learned that people are often challenging and people can change… close friends may become too comfortable in a friendship to the point where they know so much about you they use what they know to wound you if given the chance. Someone I believed always had my back did exactly that. She knows who she is but only she knows why she turned. We went back many years and shared breakups, marriages, holidays and birthday celebrations. She was a sister by another mother and we even referred to each other as Sisters. Lessons we’re learned ,guard went up as she showed an aura that was very unpleasant. At that point when someone who you trust with the lives of your children turns on you unexpectedly and with no explanation you have to step away. In the words of multicolored haired Cyndi Lauper, her True Colours came shining through….

I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. You think you know a person then realise you don’t actually want to share important stuff with them as you no longer trust them or their opinions. It’s a strange thing. In that particular case I consider myself well rid and steer clear as really not worth my energy.

In the case of BFF we didn’t have the luxury of such history. Therefore she was on a three strikes and your out as far as I was concerned.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t discuss her with my BM or vise versa and managed to keep to this for some time. Eventually of course I could no longer afford BFF that privilage.

Partly to warn BM what a nutjob her other adopted daughter has turned into.

I know not exactly why this attractive and intelligent woman is quite so bitter. Ive only been able to piece together snippets of the scant personal information she has disclosed. I get the distinct impression her adoption was not as mine. I sense an envy there when she mentions feuds and fall outs amongst her family.

The dust settled and she proceeds with her application to emigrate. Partly I think as apparently EVERYONE at work hates her, EVERY single person there is an out and out rascist and out to get her. Oz of course is the least racsist country by a Trump mile..ffs

Her being passed over for promotion is if course because they are rascist..not at all to do with her inability to manage people because she rubs them up the wrong way. Of course not. Ha!

So after some weeks of me putting my size 8 foot in my mouth I resigned to the fact me and this genetic match we’re just too different and she was bloody hard work.

We exchanged several bitchy what’s app messages…resulting in her blocking me..which was surprisingly gratifying..However, and proof positive the girl is two sarnies short of a picnic, she then emails me to tell me I’m blocked and urge me not to contact her again! lol 😂..Who does that?? Pure twatism is what that is..

So now I’m game ..nothing to lose as frankly I’m having the last word…I tell her to run along, pack her bags but be sure to weigh them before heading to the airport. I warned her the weight baggage allowance might not be sufficient if she carried the chip on her shoulder in her hold baggage…she didn’t like that and bit back with some convoluted explanation as to why I was needy in wanting a relationship with our BM, unlike her who sought her out of simple curiosity.

You can imagine my response….need I say more?

Anyway , this leads me neatly onto tell you that not all of my newly discovered siblings share this genetic makeup…As it happens in total I am one of a possible 14 or so beautiful bonkers human beings..Yep you read that right..slowly getting my head around it I have already a close bond to two younger sisters amd are soon to meet more

To be able to say “my sisters” and know they see me as their “big sister”is amazing , surreal but definitely amazing…more of that in due course!

For now I’ve promised you a few reviews and the next one will be from one of my newly discovered sister’s..

Good night for now ,this Black Sheep is off to count siblings!!

Lots of Love

Black Sheep x

Black Sheep Sweet Dreams- A Review Part 1

Since my journey was published, so sheepmuch has happened in the world of Black Sheep, so much more to tell you and sadly so little time in order to share….however over the next few posts I want to share with you the thoughts and opinions of others when they’ve given feedback on my book…warts n all 😊

“Black sheep critique”

Language was originally based on speech. Printing revolutionised language, and today digital communication is repeating the revolution, producing works like this book. ‘Black Sheep’ is a blogger, and her book is an eye-opening exercise in heart-to-heart digital conversation. It tells us about the author and her medium as well as about her experiences, and it does it in her own chatty words, straight from the heart.
This sheep is shorn of all the self-censorship of the literary tradition, unorthodox in spelling, grammar and syntax. And why not? Often breathless and self-revelatory, the book has an immediate emotional impact which truly offers that over-used epithet, ‘authenticity’. Critics speak of the ‘voice’ of an author, here we are truly listening to a voice, a single, personal, sympathetic, often profane, always sincere voice, which grabs us by the lapels and tell us its tale. It isn’t an Ancient Mariner, though, delaying us when we would far rather be moving on; you are almost certain to sit down willingly to listen to this urgent story.
This is not literature, though another writer could well have dramatized it as a novel. It is a document of raw data, not an analysis. We are invited to experience and feel with the author, but with such directness that we can form relationships with her as well as with those she interacts with. Bone-crushingly frank and often painful, in a fictional story one could put the book down to emerge with relief into the comfort of real life, but this is real life; it is continuing to bring pain and joy as one reads, and will unroll into an unknowable future.
The author was adopted as a baby and has had a happy and successful life. The story builds upon this, but tells of the process and consequences of a search, in adult life, for the birth mother. At the centre is the challenge of coming to know and relate to both one’s nurturing mother and one’s birth mother. The roles are so crucially different that any attempt to fit them in a single picture must fail. How can a compromise be achieved? Contradictions of history, of attitude, of culture are intrinsic to the situation. But to say there are cultural gulfs invites a superficial mental stereotyping, based on a single conventional category such as colour, class or nationality. That would be far from reality; the situations of a family in which a child cannot be brought up and a family which adopts a child to bring it up are bound to be fundamentally different. Any two families have different ways, as all couples have to learn when they get together. In this case the social settings are contrasted in the most sensitive and potentially painful arena: how do my mothers and I love one another? It has taken a remarkably sensitive eye and a strikingly articulate voice to give us this account. It is a document with more poignancy than any fiction.
There are practical problems with this ‘book’ which is part confession, part justification, and part guidebook. It opens with three short chapters explaining how to trace one’s Birth Mother, in a cool, personable, practical tone, then plunges into the emotional white-water ride. The initial section is so different I would be inclined to separate it, to explain in an introduction why it is between the same covers, and ideally to place it in an appendix to the story. If the reader still wants to tread this path, the down-to-earth tips can be followed; but it seems wise to let people decide whether to make the journey before giving them the map. Not everyone will be so strong.

Richard Pearce, 22-5-2018
rpearce@inted.demon.co.uk

Thanks for reading, Black Sheep xxx

My first Q & A…

A lovely follower on Twitter , a prospective adopter, recently asked if they could pick my brains…Realising my perspective came from two directions as both adoptee and adopter I guess I can offer some insight fairly unique to the process of adoption. It really is a mine-field  so I was more than happy to be asked and obliged…. Here goes…

Big one first should I read The Primal Wound, I mentioned it to our SW & she said it was very heavy & directed me more towards Dan Hughes books.

primal wound

The Primal Wound – Understanding the Adopted Child

Ok I haven’t read The Primal wound but I’ve spent the last few days studying reviews and reading exerts prior to replying to you..
My first instinct is that it is a fairly emotive and a adopter discouraging read …
I also believe it is actually aimed more towards the Adoptee than the adopter.
That said be careful with some of these books as they are often simply one person’s experience and if in this case that is a negative one the book gives only one side of the process.
I do think reading as much as you can is a good idea and will list some books I read..
Not to brag but I am told in good faith that my own book is a good reference for  both adopter and adoptee…mainly due to my honest detail about the emotional impact of adoption on the whole family…
My own journey may help you understand what’s to come and prepare for it.
book-cover

Black Sheep Sweet Dreams – Adoption Journal

One review on The Primal wound was by a relinquishing Birth Mother.She wrote that she felt punished by the book. That review alone stopped me from grabbing a copy on audible.No one needs to read that….it’s unfair and disparaging of this and other BM who really have no choice, including my own and let’s face it are providing us with a special gift.It is true that as adopters you are giving that child a loving home and that’s the only thing the SW and workshop bumf bangs on about.One of my blog posts details exactly how much the child is bringing to the party and I think this should be more of a focus during the assessment process..however back to that particular book ….don’t. Dan Hughes books are good.but there are others..It is possible that local authorities are lazy and find one author ,share it and spread word he’s the best..don’t buy his books..find his videos on Utube,that’s what we did ,saves fortunes

.but be sure to read what is relevant to your case..ie don’t read a book on attachment for traumatized children of 6+ if adopting a baby for example..we sat through a whole afternoon talking about autism knowing it was at that point irrelevant.The assessment paints a very negative and bleak picture of adoption without any respite..It is also very rewarding lol…I like this book  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Creating-Loving-Attachments-Parenting-Confidence/dp/1849052271/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1524897820&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=dan+hughes+books&dpPl=1&dpID=51ZLV-NorIL&ref=plSrch
Hope link works
It’s more neutral ..Dan’s books are mainly about dealing with trauma which you have to weigh up how much traima that is for the child you get.For example…our boy was removed at birth and had one interaction in 10 months with BM..she had no interest and he was unaffected .WE were his first and hopefully last traumatic experience..we removed him the the other end of the country ,first time on long journey etc and he was a trouper…since he’s flown long haul,loved it, been dragged around the country on trips and met oodles of new people in a year…happiest boy u could wish for.Proof positive that the trauma we caused was soon forgotten and never triggered again…that is because of his age.An older child will carry trauma unseen for years before a trigger kicks off reaction.I could also tell you my own trigger unbeknown until recently…but you have to subscribe to my blog and wait lol…
I make no apology for long answers to your questions…I figure you will benefit or you wouldn’t have asked me  right?😊
I bought many books during assessment ,read very few to be fair but had them on the coffee table when SW came over lol…the ones I did read were my choice and not theirs…I’m awkward like that…I read An Adoption Diary by Maria James….we both did and he commented how badly written it was..i found it bitty and negative but was personal to  the author so hard to review before..The Adoption by Anne Berry,I read this before we decided to adopt and only cos my mum had it in her book club…good read..and I liked the fact it wasn’t a predictable ending….I bought Related by Adoption…suggest good for prospective Gran parents …unless they are like my mother in law who tried everything in her power to stop us adopting.
Books on attachment will be good ….if you have other kids get books introducing them to adoption…like Toddler Adoption..
welcoming
Depends on the age again so let me know and I will find ones age related for you and yours…
Spend little ….go library as you will never read them again I promise you …the one book they insist you fork out for is about amphibian brain etc but I can’t recall title…when I can I’ll hunt it out and let u know…suffice to say I read enough to answer questions if quizzed in workshop…
Your individual circumstances will differ but we also gave our daughter How I Became a Big Sister
As a way of telling her her wish had come true
big sister
Other books I sourced for my own interest: Split at the Root: A Memoir of Love and Lost Identity
split
philomenaAnd for my baby boy….
i love you book
Blessing
discovering

Do think that nature & nurture can have equal footing for children who are adopted? I am not adopted, however my cousin is & her & my Aunt are two peas in a pod, I guessing that’s maybe unusual? 

I always believe nature and nurture are not exactly on an equal footing and can be identified as two distinct processes in raising a child. For example , if a child has trauma from a early life experience it is less likely to be as receptive to nurture in the first instance as a child from no trauma. My understanding of nurture is that it is about supporting a child’s needs surrounding it with love and ensuring protection from rejection and more trauma. Nature is not necessarily exclusively down to genetics but to upbringing through shared dynamics , only partly due to biology. For example;. My mother is often told how much I am like her , based on mannerisms and foibles and sense of humour etc yet this would be seen as a nature trait but it cant be as my genetics are opposite. Therefore we are alike due to habits I’ve learned via Nurture but differ due to ingrained genetic traits I came with from my BM. It might make more sense reading the chapter Nurture V Nature in my book.
Shared interests and knowledge will become common ground and hence your cousin is so alike her mother. My little man has been with us a year and is so like all of us humour, temperament etc and its adapting to environment that does that..cheeky as you like and even laughs at his own farts, exactly like his Daddy!!

A lot of the adoptees who I follow have felt their differences very keenly between themselves&their adoptive family & it’s been very upsetting for them. I wonder if it’s possible to help a child to feel those differences less somehow? Looking from both sides could you see a way to help do this or do you think the differences too great between the child/ren & the adoptive parent? 
OK firstly I want to warn you that many of the adoptees you and I follow  on Twitter have not opened their accounts to spread joy and cheer…they use the forums to vent and blame their lives decisions and outcomes on being adopted. I’m not saying everyone adopted does this but there are many and actually they do piss me off .
They don’t even accept a balanced view from adoptees who have had positive experiences because they don’t want to consider they were just unlucky!? I’m not belittling I am just saying be sure to seek out the opposing view for balance.
I have demons , issues whatever you wanna call them but none of them are at the blame of my adopters.
So who do you blame??
Question
They blame adoption itself as if it is some voodoo type thing that has blighted so many lives.
That is , and I say this with respect, Bullshit!
In fact I will tell you a story…I was adopted in the late 60s , an era steeped in racism and bigotry. So very unconventionally I was adopted by a white family with two natural boys ..I had the best upbringing my parents could give me, great education and as much love as I needed to become the person I am now. I differ 99% from all of them.( the 1% is our name!LOL). I am confident (on the surface, of course I have wobbles underneath) a doer and a risk taker. They are all introvert, reluctant to take a risk and lack confidence. Going back to the question above, this is my NATURE as it is pretty much 80% same as BM.
However a half sister on my BM side, again adopted by a white family is arrogant, aggressive, secretive and blames adoption for every grown up cock up in her life. She  would shout how hard done by she’s been if anyone would listen.
Again, great upbringing , lots of love, good education yet something stops her from accepting her adoption. NO clue what that is but means we are as different as we could possibly be..
Agreed we don’t share BF DNA but I am close to my BM as we are so alike..she wont have anything to do with her for her own reasons, but mostly I believe its because shes bitter and takes the rejection as the first of a lifetime of rejections…therefore her difference to me is tangible and I suspect same with her adoptive parents…
How can anyone know if the child will be like the parent even in natural childbirth?
Basically You cant!! I do know I am like both my AM and my BM in different ways for both…I’m unlike my siblings of course but that’s life, love them nevertheless as know nothing else.
I love a half sister already after a couple of months on my BF side simply because its already clear we are so alike..the other half sister was a bonkers mess yet we share BM DNA . That’s where our connection ends.
My point is your child will be your child, like my boy is as much mine as my natural girl, they are like sponges…soak up every last thing they see…hes potty trained in a week! hes mimicked his sister from day one and takes direct instruction from us all like hes twice his age…a very advanced toddler…
Hes not biologically of my DNA but to anyone looking at our family he’s quickly morphed into all  of us.
Wearing the Smile
Adoptees who say how different they feel from their families?
I do agree with this statement BUT its no bad thing if that makes sense. Its true we differ in many ways but are very alike in others and that’s normal. I know natural children who differ so much from their families too and again it rarely matters..
Thankfully my own husband differs almost 100% from his and that is good as we wouldn’t stay together if this were not the case 🙂
Don’t let the Twitter Twats make you feel you are doing anything other than an amazing thing. I am proud to know you and we’ve never met! As an adoptee I try to focus on what I had/have and not what I might have had , mainly as it would have been shit and my BM would be inclined to agree .Read between the lines when you see negative on there ..had they been naturally raised by birth family they may still have negative shit to say then too..its the GIG effect (Grass is Greener effect) and not fair on people who don’t know where or what they came from..Paints a picture that’s one sided you know? I have admired many posters then they jump on a positive adoptee (like me) without knowing anything about their background or where they may have been raised had they not been adopted.
Am a believer that adoption itself isn’t the problem, how the person accepts it is….
chosen
Hope that helps…..
Lots of love
Black Sheep  xx
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