Two Men, One tiny , One tall

So firstly apologies for going AWOL but I really do have the best ever excuse! Our little man is full on and now hes on the move and confidently walking he is even more time consuming…in the best sense of the word but still…hes bloody hard work. I expected him to be and if his first real word isn’t NO I will be amazed!…It seems to me that although from just 10 months old he became ours , its like hes always been ours ….he runs the household and is a real spirited character…I will document our Adoption journey in due course but touching base to say hi and share a poem I was moved to write last night…

You see the thing that gives me the most pleasure is actually watching how my small person interacts so happily with the others I love in my world. Be it my wonderful supportive friends, my own siblings…and particularly his sister and big brothers who all adore him.

The bond he has developed with all my family is fabulous and even though he is unable to say a lot, my dearest Father shows his love for my little man in small but tangible ways…I am constantly thankful that life has allowed us these precious moments and I can watch these two men, one old and one young, tease each other and enjoy these times as one day they will fade away….

Time stands still when we let it…..hence this poem..I hope you like it….

Time

GRAND-DAD

A kick of a ball…to a much smaller foot. A giggle and a smile and a sideways look. One small gesture of love from a Grand-dad .

The younger learning early not to feel sad.

For his Grand-dad was once a keen player but now he is ill and fate dealt a card that was to steal his skill.

This youngster will never know the joy my dad earned from a ball. He told me that as a boy a kick about on his road was a treat.

I listened to his tales of footy fun after school ..and I couldn’t help but wonder how life could be so cruel

Here’s a spouse, a daddy and Grandad , whose dedicated life to his family , never sad
Worked all of his life to provide for his kin, and hoped for retirement of travel, fun and relaxin’

Instead he’s endured illness , hardship and pain..and you know I’ve never once heard him complain

Two faces gazed at each other today…one young with wide eyes pouring love on the other… the other enduring and wise with dignity , a smile of amusement at the little face before him.

I wanted to cry….to scream how unfair it is that this man will never kick a ball for real to the small person so desperate to play with him

How cruel Mother Nature is to inflict disease on one so kind

But instead I am grateful my little man gets to meet this great man at all. To know him is to love him and he clearly does. I know forever he will be in my baby boys heart as someone he could respect, and in more ways than one, look up to.

My dad is my hero and he will be that to my brave little boy .

That is a promise ❤️

Thanks for reading, much love

Black Sheep xx

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Awarded Best Adoptee Blogs of 2017!!

Yay!! Well hard work pays off!! We have been selected as one of The Best Adoptee Blogs of the Year

The Best Adoptee Blogs of the Year
Healthline

Pretty happy about this given I just write from the heart…if it helps people its a huge bonus. Thanks to all who are patient with me as I know I am erratic but as you can imagine hands are pretty full with a small person keeping me busy…updates on Little Man soon I promise but for today I am just gonna brag!! Ha! 🙂

Only issue I have is they say I am African American, which I am not but hey coffee is coffee to me!

Thanks for following me peeps

Much Love , I’m off for a cuppa

Black Sheep

Drinking Tea

 

Forgiveness is not about forgetting

So recently I have had limited time to sit and think…as I told you a new focus is crawling about in my home and as such his sleeping hours are the only time I get to blog….eat, sleep, use the loo etc etc.

Anyway loving every minute of it, rapidly running out of memory on every gadget I own that can take a photograph and tired …..realise this sounds odd given he sleeps like clockwork…12 hours a night and 2 during the day from 10.30 almost to the minute

Someone told me recently raise a boy like a dog….running them hard, feed and water and they will sleep as they need..this is very true..

I honestly have never met a more predictable and contented baby. However the downside of this is complacency. He woke from a nap crying recently! Yes I know this is almost the most normal expectation but for us as it has literally NEVER happened!. Even on the day we met face to face when he awoke to 3 pairs of eyes staring at him! So I have to say it was quite a scary thing. Heart racing and legs pacing as I consoled this bundle of fun (aka 23lb solid beefcake- said goodbye to my bingo wings already) I reminded myself that this was normal. Phew! He looks around his Blue and Yellow Winnie the Pooh bedroom and always glances at the same things before ready to press on with poking into all he shouldn’t.

He looks at this window, the sill holding giant Tigger and Rabbit toys, with even bigger Winnie and Eyeore resting on a mini Winnie chair. He glances above him at his pendant light bearing Winnie holding a balloon and lastly has to see his Pooh clock with its pendulum swinging legs. At his point he is satisfied to be where he should be and where he knows hes safe and loved. Now I can hoist him out and dry his face…..

I will of course work you through the process of adding to our family in due course but for now bear with me as I revel and bask in the lovely new bond we are all building with a small person who could not be a better fit for this mad-cap family.

So I find myself at a cross roads in my life, a chosen path many might view as sheer madness but the pleasure I get from those cute dimples, cheeky smile and huge saucer eyes cannot be described with simple text…at the risk of gushing about my two beautiful children I will just say they really are TOTALLY scrumptious and a wave of emotion takes hold every time I see them playing together. She is a constant source of amusement to him, He is a small person needing her protection and constant introduction to all things..naughty mainly but hey, that’s where I come in.

The most understood words so far seem to be NO!, Light , Gently and Mama (Ha!!) The gently is a moot point when he grabs Daddy by the chest hair…I suspect this to be his own fault for showing him how to pull up grass!?!

I noted two women today enchanted by my baby boy. They stopped their conversation and all their focus turned to my little man as if drawn into his spell. I will over the next few months challenge all my girlfriends not to fall madly deeply in love with this mini man ! Ha! Trust me there will be a steady stream of broken hearts when he hits puberty..But for now I can privately revel in his company as he really is the greatest waste of time! Just watching him dart around knowing I have to preempt his every move already as the minx in him is showing itself before he’s even a year old!

A new thing is stronger attachment. Its likely no coincidence that top teeth are trying to come in. Certainly could explain an increase in his clingy behaviour of late.  I was previously marvelling at the fact he usually woke from a sleep and rarely did more than a sing song until he got the attention he was after. Following recent sleeps he is waking and crying? Sounds perfectly acceptable but given its actually a new thing it was slightly alarming. However, ever the positive optimist I have concluded that it is in fact an excellent sign of a a developing strong attachment with me. I am the main caregiver so the one most likely to hear him as he demands to be rescued from his cot. I figure he trusts that I will make it all better. As soon as he hears me calling out to announce my approach he clams up and kind of sobs with relief. This I do see as a good sign if a little disconcerting. Positive changes are seen almost daily and his confidence in all the family is growing hugely.

Anyway enough of that for now….

I got thinking recently,  reading a thread on Facebook about forgiveness. I am generally the person who seeks to understand the other point of view but occasionally there is no reasoning with people so I move on and consider myself excused from the friendship and congratulate myself for simply recognising a prize prick when I see one!?

However, there are other times I realise that ignorance is not always the fault of the other person , however hurt they make me feel and I have room for compassion and can shelve a desire to a) bear a grudge, which we all know serves no positive purpose (but boy do I know someone who treats it as an Olympic sport) or b) punch that person so hard in the tits they pass through their body and end up as mini humps on their back…I generally fantasise about option b of course and have never put it into practice…I promise!

So I have a current situation where I am once again the forgiver of someone else’s shitty behaviour, and despite never seeing myself trusting that person this side of hell freezing over, I know that my energy is best spent on nurturing my little prince and giving him the best of myself as a mummy and as a woman he can respect and look up to. He is going to be the most handsome young man and proved his flirting skills are already pretty honed this morning. Grinning his gums and batting his enviably long lashes at two business women in Costa, who were previously deep in serious discussion.

I came across this great piece of writing which summed up almost precisely my thoughts on forgiving someone who really deserves far less….

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat……Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behaviour, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgement, but without true change, no real relationship can be established………Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation………Forgiveness does not excuse anything………You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realise that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness……
William Paul Young, The Shack
life4
And so on wards and upwards to another day of ……laundry, nappies, mushed food , play….nappies……nappies  oh …and cuddles! 🙂
Thanks for reading
Much Love
Black Sheep xxx

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And So It Came to Pass….A New Life

So I have been more than a little preoccupied recently and in a short while you will get a hint of why. Firstly I want to wish all of you a very Happy Easter and secondly I want to share a secret..intimate details of which will have to wait for me to come back down to earth.

It is often said that we are given only what we can handle. Well that’s not strictly true in my life. I believe we reach out for what we need and if the planets are on course we will get it in time. For ten years I have nurtured and adored my girl and with every breath in my body I will continue to do so. For 13 years I have loved and raised two strapping lads born of another mother. I actually have it in writing that they love and respect me as a mother as much as they do their own biological mum . I take great pride in knowing they see me this way as the wicked step mum image never suited me in my view. I have a different kind of broomstick? Ha!

It is fair to say my girly is a real mini- me and never fails to inspire me . Her creativity and her kindness are unlimited. Her beauty a source of wonder. Her wish every Christmas and with every blow of her 10 years worth of Birthday candles has always been the same.

I told her fairly recently that I always knew what that wish was. She said ‘But how, I never told you because you said it wouldn’t come true’. I agreed and said ‘Well, sometimes I just know stuff, its maybe Mummy intuition? Or maybe a wish we share so I could easily guess. This pacified her and we changed the subject . In the back of my mind I knew because as I said before my child and I share such a strong bond that I feel her mind in my mind as well as hold her heart in my heart.

My daughter will always be my treasured prize … awarded to me for being a child bearing woman. Have the stretch marks to prove it too!

My womb was blessed the day she was conceived and every day since. I look into her beautiful face and my heart swells with pride at the perfection she is.

So if you cannot guess yet what I am getting at I will have to spell it out…..

Her wish to be a big sister has been granted . Her coverted baby brother has arrived. The adoption journey continues for Black Sheep and new chapters in my life are unfolding at a rapid pace. As if the planets took 10 years to position themselves so this could happen..

So for these last 6 or so years her wish for a baby brother has been not only a source of amusement but also of great pain. Sharing the same wish carries a burden of guilt . Guilt for not being able to grant it but also guilt for wanting to add someone else to our bubble of love in which we are already more than comfortable. If that sounds as if I expect our mutual adoration to change in any way should that wish be granted , then you get me all wrong.

I honestly couldn’t love her more than I do and certainly will never ever love her less . A friend told me today that he thinks I have enough love in my heart to love many children. And I do in fact do just that. They don’t have to all be my own of course. I have many special children in my life, those of the special grown ups in my life. I think I am quite good with kids, maybe because I see things through childlike eyes. By this I mean I remember being a child clearly and maybe as an adopted child I can feel and understand the future uncertainties my own adopted child will undoubtedly feel too.

In his face now I see a look of curiosity , yes curiosity , not anything like fear . It is clear to me with every new face that peers into his. Maybe as an adoptee I am more watchful for signs of an issue than anyone else in the room. Its possible I guess. I don’t worry for him right now, as he has only known one foster placement since birth so the much warned experiences of trauma are unlikely. We are in fact his first experience of trauma and being showered with love and care is as bad as its ever gonna get 🙂

It is natural to be initially wary of new people , adopted or otherwise. And actually testimony to how strongly attached he has already become with his new forever family. Within only a few minutes of meeting a new face, an adorable gummy smile with two tiny bottom pegs, lights up the face of this small person and his wide brown eyes shine like chocolate buttons in porcelain.

People are usually ( and rightfully) mindful of a baby who may at any second kick off and have a screaming hissy fit, so I figure my excited neighbour who immediately snatched him from my arms into hers, was a very brave woman indeed.

Given he reached back towards me on first bounce was a good sign I reckon.  Funny how she is my new best friend and claimed to ‘want him!’ ..rarely speaks until now that I have him home, but hey babies should bring the best out in people and bring them together shouldn’t they?.

* Make a mental note of this point for later chapters in this new book of my life

She also gave him some lush trousers so she may  in fact prove to be a good neighbour one day!

Just for a second, imagine being taken from everything you know and plonked into a new place the other end of the country, with new smells, new clothes and new people to get to know. Surely it must be terrifying to a baby. However, that part of my own childhood I don’t recall and neither will he.

He really is beautiful and I do know how lucky we are. Trust me on that one. None of this amazing blessing is taken for granted in any way. You don’t try to conceive for around 9 years and take anything for granted. He truly is a miracle and as soon as I saw his little chubby face I knew he had waited to be born for when the time was right for all of us.

In fact he was being born pretty much at the exact same time as I celebrated a small hurdle with good friends over dinner some 10 months ago. Dining with two of my dearest friends and one remarked how odd it was to think that my son could be being born that very day. And oddly it was true enough give or take a day or two…

Already many have marvelled at how alike my two children look facially. Also how uncanny it is that he could easily be our own. Our neighbour , who claimed to be almost as excited about his arrival than I am (er nope I don’t think so love!) said to us OMG I cannot believe how they look so alike! Hubby asked me later what he was meant to say in response… I said you say ‘Thank you, yes they are aren’t they!? and leave it at that. Who would say Oh,  well they shouldn’t , that ones adopted blah blah….Imagine it! Talk about giving a child a complex. I said even my mother had people say Isn’t she like you?! They clearly meant in terms of mannerisms and learned characteristics…given I am the colour of molten dairy milk chocolate and she’s the colour of the milk that went into making it!

Point is, it is imperative to ensure my boy feels as much ours as his sister. Until the time is right he will know he is wanted, loved and chosen. When he wants to travel the often rocky road of discovery, as I did, he is safe in the knowledge that he is 100% ours and of us by nurture if not by nature.

During our week of introductions another mum commented in a cafe how gorgeous this baby boy was…I felt a bit bad as I should probably have said a simple Thank you. Instead and before I could check myself,  I replied Yes he is isnt he!!Ha! But truly he is remarkably so and its fair to say there are some fairly epic genes in there, even though we know very little about them!

Many might say Oh that’s risky but lets take you back some 47 years (shit! how many years!….*deep sigh*) to a time in the late 60’s when the risk was all my parents’. I came with little more than a gift tag saying ‘ Please look after this child!’ Sound familiar? Anyway as I said the risk lay with the adopters and still does even with a hundred pages of carefully dictated text. When I was wrapped in a blanket and handed over to my parents they took a massive leap of faith that all would be well and that the promised screenings had actually resulted in negative outcomes. Luckily this was the case but it didn’t make it easier when as an adult I was regularly asked such questions as ‘ Are you allergic to aspirin? Do you have a history of diabetes, cancer, heart disease and all manner of nasty ailments?….My BM filled in the blanks of course once I found her, but up until that point I was living in hope that I was in fact healthy. Thankfully I am pretty much untouched by anything to give me cause for concern. It makes me laugh how my BM told me recently that a routine check up for her dodgy knee cartilage had a nurse ask her if she had been screened for sickle cell?..shes over 60! I said ‘ Why would they ask you that now? clearly you haven’t had it and don’t have it now! She replied ‘ Well they probably had about 2 black women with sickle cell in the past 20 years and figure we all must carry it and be able to hide it from the screening tests, like drugs mules??! She does make me laugh! 🙂

So the risk is ours and looking at him sleeping soundly with a cute snuffly snore I am pretty sure this robust and stocky little man with pudgy hands would fight off anything that stood between him and a happy healthy life.

Just the way his little fat hands grasp round my fingers as he chugs on his night time bottle and I am reminded how much he needs me and how much love I can give this little life.

He was definitely written in the stars for me and that’s the truth. Warnings from my own mum of how bonding might take time and to be brave if its not right away…well for me I bonded from the second I opened my iPad to see his face on Dec 27th 2016. That bond grew daily as I watched his image and video come to life on the plasma screen of my laptop. He was never two-dimensional to me. He was warm and soft and needed me. His eyes told me he had to know me and have me as his mummy. I feel passionate that this is his destiny and despite all the angst of adoption for all concerned, it feels right . His needs are exactly as any other baby:  love, health, warmth , safety, security and family. These will be met in bucket loads. His little soul will be nurtured and he will be reaching his full potential before our eyes.

The match is remarkable and I know in my heart its something pretty powerful that brought us to this child. You see we planned to adopt whilst enjoying a romantic mini break in Poland in January 2016 . This December,  only a month after approval he popped into my search feed on the ‘social service family finding system’. The second child to which we had been drawn (first was introduced to us but turned out not to be right for various reasons)

Again we happened to be in Poland. This time with my girl too. So one look and I just knew. Yep, it was that simple. His eyes said ‘ Take me home Mummy’ and that was it..the seed was sown . Even the lovely Social workers working on his behalf couldn’t do a home visit quick enough. I am proud to quote one as saying ‘ The feeling of a family home filled with clear signs of love swung it for them. It was confirmed that they approved the link and wanted to proceed with us….within an hour of their 6 hour journey back to the home town of my son.

Other signs are clear to me now but to be honest its run like clockwork and I couldn’t imagine any other baby being my son. A few administrative hoops to jump through yet but I can safely say he is settled and content and charming the birds from the trees at every turn. No one leaves my home without that warm fuzzy feeling as if touched by an angel in the form or a small person in tiny socks!

 

Suffice it to say its been a long year but the road to our future  is a shining gleaming path of golden light and our little smiley and contented baby boy is all I dreamed he would be.

To say his Sister is smitten doesn’t cover it . There is of course much more of this journey to document and I will tell you more as and when my new manic lifestyle allows…please be patient with me but rest assured this journey is as entertaining as my own…

Thanks in advance for being patient with me!

Much love and Happy Easter

Easter Sheep

Black Sheep x

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Our Journey Together is so Short

*”Our Journey Together is so Short“*

A young lady sat in a bus. At the next stop a loud and grumpy old lady came and sat by her. She squeezed into the seat and bumped her with her numerous bags.

The person sitting on the other side of the young lady got upset, asked her why she did not speak up and say something.

The young lady responded with a smile:

“It is not necessary to be rude or argue over something so insignificant, the journey together is so short. I get off at the next stop.”

This response deserves to be written in golden letters:

*”It is not necessary to argue over something so insignificant, our journey together is so short”*

If each one of us realized that our time here is so short; that to darken it with quarrels, futile arguments, not forgiving others, discontentment and a fault finding attitude would be a waste of time and energy.

Did someone break your heart? *Be calm, the journey is so short.*

Did someone betray, bully, cheat or humiliate you? *Be calm, forgive, the journey is so short.*

Whatever troubles anyone brings us, let us remember that *our journey together is so short.*

No one knows the duration of this journey. No one knows when their stop will come. *Our journey together is so short.*

Let us cherish friends and family. Let us be respectful, kind and forgiving to each other. Let us be filled with gratitude and gladness. 👌🏾

After all, *Our Journey Together is so Short!*

 

With Love

Red word "love" with two comic beautiful sheep an little red hearts on gray background

Red word “love” with two comic beautiful sheep an little red hearts on gray background

Black Sheep

xxx

Hey Black Child….Maya Angelou

This is too adorable to not post! A beautiful message conveyed by a future ambassador ?

Love this:Enjoy

 

Best wishes

Black Sheep xxx

 

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Heartwarming Reunion

Imagine: Adopted at 6 months old and reunited with her Birth Mother 82 years later. Let that sink in for a minute……

I came across this article and it brought a lump to my throat. How amazing is this!? She never quit for 50 years of searching…now THAT is determination and I am choked imagining how long I would have gone on until I reached my goal.

How resilient you are will determine how long you are prepared to turn up every stone, get knocked back and be put off the scent. Not to mention deflect negativity from loved ones.

I was lucky in the time scheme of things but you might not be so fortunate to have the tools at hand to find your birth family?

Recently I have considered many things I want to change in 2017. I know we all do it, make resolutions we know in our hearts we wont keep…lose weight, pass on the second glass of wine, not allow others to  sway our decisions etc etc. We try and usually fail to keep to these promises made to ourselves.

All I have decided is that my immediate family is the most precious aspect of my life. Closely followed by my true valued friends who have mopped me up, propped me up and generally rallied when I have needed them most. I owe them so much and they know who they are and know that I adore them from the depths of my soul. Without true honest support whats the point?

Trust in your ability to find your birth family….it will add a precious dimension to your life in ways you cannot measure or even easily explain. Seems unfair to assume that your life is incomplete until you do find your Birth Mother ..That implies that for over 40 years I have had something missing which I haven’t. It simply means that the missing piece of the history jigsaw is slotted into place, not that you are completed as such. That’s not to say it doesn’t feel amazing, because is certainly does and I know going forward I have a level of support from the past I hold very dear.

By way of example: I now know where and who I came from, how I came about and how life could have been had adoption not been the option for my life.

I also know that, without prejudice, I am thankful to know all I need to know about those characters from my history book. From this knowledge you form a judgement and so a decision as to who to carry forward into the next chapter in your life’s story book . My full brother is known to me and shows as much (very little) interest in me or my life and that’s perfect. Sharing 100% DNA does not make him a brother.  I share 0% DNA with the two special men in my life who bear the title Brother. My half sister shares 50% of my genetic makeup and that’s were it ends. We crossed paths, enjoyed an early sister type romance then clashed. Not unusual for sisters I suspect but we are not sisters , we shared the warmth of our birth mothers’ bosom for a short time and then , at different times were given up for our own sake. This to me was the right thing to do. To her? Not so much.

This fundamental difference of opinion highlighted to me just how hard developing a relationship with her was going to be, so I took a step back. I am at peace with all the facets of my identity and its sad that she clearly is not and my ‘togetherness’ seemed to fan an already flickering flame into something of an emotional inferno. …Not one to walk away without trying to fix it , this caused me some pain but you know what from pain comes strength and for me I don’t regret connecting with her.

As for my Birth Mother, she is a huge part of my world and the thought of finding her almost at the end of her life, makes my eyes tear up. Its hard enough knowing she is wistful over what she views as the ‘missing years’ Not how I see it but she certainly does. Imagine knowing that time is so limited that you have to cram in everything you want to say or share in a really short time.

This Birth mother says she thought of her daughter often and never forgot her.  I guess its my curiosity speaking here ….The question it raises for me is this.  The tools to search for their long lost family were at everyone’s disposal. Did the sisters try to find HER for their Mothers sake? A wonderful article and you should read it .  As an adoptee who searched and found her BM I think its tragic that it took all those 50 long years. Did the mother even tell her other children? It strikes me that perhaps the daughters could have looked for their sister out of their own sense of curiosity too.  Seems sad that such a one sided search bore fruit but with so little time left?

Anyway, enjoy this moving reunion courtesy of Utube and then read the whole piece below using the link.

Thanks for reading …

Much Love

Black Sheep xxx
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Read the whole article here…

http://tiphero.com/mom-daughter-reunion/

And So it came to Pass…

Phew! What a year! :-/ Here we are again and its another year about to end and boy has it been quite something. As always at this time of year I get reflective and the closer to my Birthday, just a little bit down. However, it passes as always but it still gets me when I least expect it.

Don’t get me wrong, it is not serious enough for me to wallow but I need my space, the thoughts in my head need clarity to leave a clean slate for the coming year.

Some months back I told you how I see the space in my head as a dusty old attic room, bathed in dappled light through a grimy window. Remember? Well nothing much has changed in that respect although the minimal contents of the space, covered by dust sheets have changed. Been moved around , dusted off and in some cases been brought back down from the loft to regain prominence in my world.

empty attic.jpg

You see the bulk of baggage has been cleared away…just in time to fill the space with more? Maybe, time will tell.

Earlier in the Autumn I embarked on a new adventure to seek out a half sister who on the face of it helped me judge how well I had conducted my role as an Adoptee in this world of mixed metaphors and messages telling me exactly how and what to think about the whole process. I have always been mindful of how lucky (and even spoilt) I may have been growing up in a large extended, but close knit and very loving family.  Even if certain mannerisms and  emotional communication skills were alien to my own. Finding this Half sister was a three year long debate inside my heart. Will I regret opening this new Pandora’s box? Will she hate me ? Will I hate her? Will we bond instantly or dislike each other intently? Well the only way to find out was to take the risk. As I said, having sat on the address for some 3 years it wasn’t something I exactly rushed into was it?

..In fact I have wondered recently if friendships lost over the years were ones that were stagnant long before I walked away . As is my way I give many chances to those who I fall out of love with way later than my head accepts the fact. You know how it is? the ‘We go way back’ or ‘We know each other too well because of shared experiences and past private jokes!

Much of the excuses we make for these people are based on these statements when in fact they are utter bullshit. We allow ourselves to be used, treated badly and in some cases with loathing and yet we persevere out of almost a sense of duty? Guilty as charged your honour! I do not regret deciding to remove sources of personal pain to myself by people who frankly should have known better. I’ve promised myself that 2017 is the year I stop accepting that shit.

I am aware reading my own sentiments that I am guilty of taking people for granted on occasion but what I don’t do is treat anyone in a way I would not accept myself. If I do I am mortified if I am made aware of it  so for me its a case of ‘Do as you would be done by’ That’s how I was raised and that’s how it should be. End of.

So I introduced myself to my half sister by mail and she replied by email immediately. This point needs to be noted, you will understand why later on… I was, as I said, excited and delighted to connect with this person . We shared DNA. Shared a history of time in the same womb. Share a Birth Mother. Time would tell if that meant anything more than biology or was it simply science. We already had a connection via various social media platforms. I admit to being at an advantage over her as I added her knowing who she was -she accepted without knowing who I was.

So three years passed with no communication between us via these portals or otherwise and she remained a stranger in cyber space.

After a few letters were exchanged, sharing life experience and historical facts we fell instep in a comfortable and amicable way. Almost Sisterly? Well not really but as far as it felt we understood one another. I never sought out to find a sister, I love my siblings and siblings are those we grow up with , not those who happen to share genetics. I wont share her life and her highs and lows as she is a fiercely private person. Yes Really? Begs the question why she was on Social Media? but hey ….it seems this was an oversight and she remains bitterly miffed that I approached her ‘secretly ‘ and a bollocking after a few months was my awakening to the fact…

So I shared her life for a few months, down to internet dating (her not me!) , gym visits, and stories of her working life etc. All was and is great to hear , in order to piece together the persona that until now has been a 2 dimensional image on a screen. After a few months we hit a bump in the road. You see what I had never done was build up a fantasy of how my life might have been had I not been adopted. I never even had a vision of my Birth Mother in my head. Oh, of course, don’t misunderstand me, of course as I moved from the wrong target to the next, I had an image in my mind then. However, it was never a life long promise of what she would or wouldn’t look like or be when I found her.  Furthermore I never underestimated the sacrifice my BM made in handing me over to strangers and walking away. I knew how much that must have cut her deeply, especially since having my own child.

This is a fundamental difference between me and my half sister. I am guilty of making several stupid and misguided assumptions on her part and if it were worth working out how, I would apologise to her for this. You see I am a sorted, settled and happy grown up. She is by all accounts very much the opposite. Without going into detail she is determined to ‘start afresh’ and escape what she deems to be a crap life. I have every blessing I could ever need. I am well loved, love well and laugh lots with amazing people who fill my life with colour and light. These people make me grateful for the life my BM allowed me to have when she entrusted strangers to raise her little girl back in 1969. I know how lucky I am ..how my cup runneth over and all that! However, I am not immune to also knowing how this is not always the case for those in a similar position . Adoption is a gamble ..its either gonna go well or its not. There is very little in between. Almost as if you have to accept that it is actually black or white in its success. Nothing grey about it.

I learned that in fact my half sister clearly had such a fantasy and as she got to know me she also got to know a few home truths. Unaware the truths I had been afforded by our BM, she had not. Suffice it to say, had she made more effort to learn her own truth, ie not discarded our BM at the first sign of her rose tinted glasses needing a polish ….then she may have been more settled in her belief that she did in fact live on the right grass as it was decidedly greener after all….

So I was to go some way, unwittingly to burst the bubble of Fairy tale that floated around her like a balloon resisting floating off into the sky…Sadly one simple conversation lead to a near meltdown on her part…the very suggestion that life with our BM would actually have been more than a bit hard, possible dangerous or worse . Through no fault of hers…by her own admission we were far better off being adopted and I knew this already, having heard it loud and clear. Sadly my Half sister did not and took my honesty as damning of our BM which is a nonsense. Given she was in fact the one who paid to have her traced, met her by accident and then turned away and fled for the hills faster that Julie Andrews in the Sound of freakin’ Music!

Made me proper cross I don’t mind saying. The pure unadulterated hypocrisy of her. How dare she suggest that I , who has a relationship with the woman who gave us life and respect her for doing the right thing for both of us.  I had promised not to discuss either party with each other (to myself anyway) and broke this promise at this point. So incensed was I that my Half sister had given me a mouthful suggesting I was dissing our BM and that our life could have been just as lovely as long as there was love? I get that but it is not as simple as that …I held back from telling her exactly why I know we would both have had a miserable existence , none of which would have been down to my own genetic makeup..thankfully! Wasn’t for me to enlighten her which is why I made contact with our BM then , perhaps for reassurance or maybe clarification . She had made me doubt myself for a split second, that soon passed , as soon as I spoke to our BM.

She agreed with me than it seemed maybe all in the life of my Half sister had not been quite as rosy as she had hoped for her. I left the conversation knowing that actually my assumption we shared a similar upbringing was incorrect and also quite naive. How do you apologise to someone for their upbringing not being as lovely as your own? You cant and don’t.

Then , and again,  I was verbally battered into accepting her issue over the fact OUR BM had given me her address without her express permission. She had said she was going to write and tell her how annoyed she was about this, until I diffused this idea by explaining she had in fact already shown her displeasure in all that the woman was by her Dear John letter some years back. She backed down then. Well she would herself have learned my address too had she not dropped her like a hot brick at the first stage of reunion. Just saying!

I constantly reassure our BM that the issues are not with her, but with the daughter who she guaranteed a far better life. Sad but true, and we pull no punches in our discussions surrounding how we owe her nothing but gratitude for her sacrifice. Therefore I seriously resented being ‘pulled for slating our BM’ as this is simply untrue. This gentle  woman, is living  with hidden secrets from many of her own kin, is forced to accept that we are out there living a life she has all but missed due to her own choices.

So we hit this skid and the messages and easy banter became more infrequent and more forced. After a short while I asked her what was up and her response showed an immaturity that surprised me. She sounded resigned in the realisation we were early days in our relationship and felt dismayed that we already disagreed with each other . ‘It happens’ I explained and was totally normal. Wasn’t it? Seemed unacceptable to her . Really? Seemed we were not allowed to agree to disagree. OK then, so be it. I have neither the energy nor the inclination to argue with her. We are strangers and I accept that as we grew up on opposite ends of the country we see things differently. However I am not prepared to take a verbal battering for knowing facts she didn’t want to hear or for expressing honestly as I always have and will do. What is she hiding? How the hell do I know? In fact I don’t want to know .  I don’t have the right to know either even if I wanted to. We are not siblings, we share genes, not history. End of. My full brother is not a sibling. We shared the same DNA. End of. Genetics does not make any of us siblings. End Of!!

Right so we move forward- stop start-stop start to the point her blowing hot and cold with me gets on my wick big time. I back off and eventually we communicate on the phone to clear the air. All is OK but different from the comfortable chit chat of before.

Having hurriedly made a plan to meet, out of a sense of urgency only due to her travel plans for early next year. We had purchased rail tickets and put the date in our diary. I was feeling increasingly unsure about meeting someone clearly so changeable. Could ruin my Christmas…already had last years marred by the behaviour of someone I loved dearly so I was damned if it was going to be a repeat this year.

We had discussed Christmas and talked about gifts , more jokingly than real but nevertheless it was an open forum for token gift ideas…..eventually I asked if courier or post was easier given her shift patterns. Well….I was told in no uncertain terms that neither would suit and not to send anything Thanks very much! WTF have I done now? Someone recently pointed out to me that the fact I asked was a kindness in itself as I was thinking of making life easier for HER in order to receive it and not trek to a main post office to collect. So much for that huh!?!:-/

christmas-sheep2So I respond with ‘ Pardon me?? Whats up ? That’s just rude? I get an A4 diatribe about how it was putting pressure on her having to respond and blah blah …her thoughts being that actually I wanted more from her than I actually did..Jeez I wanted to send her a coaster and a key ring??? Not a freakin’ Blood Diamond!?

Have to add, I did send it anyway, no one else I could give it to, or even want to, so I send it. How very dare I,  right? Well, have not received so much as  text to confirm it arrived safely. Again, just rude!:-/

Obviously I took a while to realise this was her tactic to run for those proverbial hills as she was getting involved ! Exactly as she did with our BM! Well, for me the hills extend their welcome to her as I cant deal with the histrionics of a grown woman. So I suggested she needn’t worry as it was just a token, no pressure to reciprocate etc. Then it happened. The Grudge talk. Apparently my adding her on social media was (again) out of line and didn’t sit well with her (after 5 months of discussion) Oh and I could have been a serial killer stalker (but I’m not) BUT I could have been..(Yeh, but I’m not) ..yes but what if I were? ..BUT I’M FUCKING NOT!!!! And so it went on….and on….and on…christmas-sheep1

In the end I apologised AGAIN (for what, I still don’t quite know) If I had unsettled her,  but by now we all know I am NOT a serial killer stalker or any sort of threat to her life in any way.

Not good enough to apologise. I just didn’t get it and it annoyed her….the fact was, unless I felt her ‘pain’ I was un-forgiven for this heinous misdemeanour and coupled with me bursting her bubble of fantasy about how life could have been, it lay between us like a dark mist.

Apparently she cannot communicate using instant message or email and only likes to write using notepad and pen..fine so why reply to my initial hand written letter by email? That’s just messed up…Nothing made sense. Bottom line is She struggles to communicate. I don’t.  Well she certainly struggles if anyone is open and honest with her anyway. Sadly I cannot help her with that can I?

I knew enough about her upbringing to know it had issues I simply didn’t share and maybe, just maybe, my seemingly sorted life pretty much pissed her off? Either way I don’t think life has been totally plain sailing for either of us. Both raised by white families but characteristics we don’t share have perhaps determined how we have turned out.

I agreed we both needed to take a step back and a breather and maybe in the New Year could think about how to progress. Or not? So after my anger subsided that night I sent a message to say I was sorry things had turned out this way and wished her well for her future plans and to have a lovely Christmas etc….I also said I did not regret connecting with her . (To my mind I dont regret it but I think I have learned enough and am happy to step back into the shadows on this one for now)

Next morning her reply was full of contrition (NOT apology for her behaviour you understand) She asked if I might write to update her on my life plans etc (?)  and how happy she was I was settled etc…all very nice and dare I say it normal? Fact is I had witnessed two distinct personalities in one person in just 24 hours? Hmmmm…*steps backwards….I should be running up the Hills myself but knowing my luck my ‘Hills’ will have Eyes! Ha!

So I am again seeking closure and said Lets see how we feel in New Year but for me I think I already know…I’m done with two faced folk in my life and having painfully closed the door on someone recently, who prefers to reconvene friendship with someone who until recently was the butt of her own jibes and drop me for being..? well for being me…so I was and I am damned, if I was going to let a near stranger treat me in the same way. I will undoubtedly keep in touch from a distance and happily communicate from time to time but that time will be precious spare next year so I am afraid a zero tolerance of Bullshit resumed and I am happy in the knowledge I still only possess the one face!:-)

Guess the point is for me 2017 will be a year of discovery…yes MORE I hear you say…but reality is I will need all my resolve, strength and humour to see me through the next Chapter of my Journey or life….so I cannot drag wounded casualties off their own battlefields and onto mine.

I am blessed with amazing family and friends and a general relationship housekeeping in 2016 leaves me content that life is going to be as fabulous as always going forward….next Chapter in 2017 will have no room for the fainthearted so buckle up people, its gonna get pretty bumpy!!

Love is like any other selfless gift ….Love …we can give it, we can receive it, we can make it. Don’t take it for granted. Accept it with grace. Love is a priceless gift ….Black Sheep

Lots of Love and Happy Christmas to you all..christmas-sheep3..here’s to an exciting and entertaining New Year

Much love Black Sheep

xxx

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I Love You More -A Poem

As I look at my sleeping beauty, beside me in my bed

I hear her easy breathing and thoughts fly round my head

When did I stop watching, seeing what’s so pure

When did I stop hearing, the sounds that still assure.

I think I’m a good mum,and sure I do my best.

My daughter is my everything, fills the heart that’s in my chest.

Am I worthy of her adoration, deserving of her trust?

I see her here beside me, snoring gently by my side.

Shes dreaming of a shiny world,my fear I have to hide.

My love for her is infinite

Her innocence I treasure.

I wish I could protect her , shield her from the gloom.

Wish I could keep her safely sheltered,as she was within my womb.

This sleeping beauty is mine tonight, hidden from the world.

Tomorrow she’s back out there ,the big world to explore .

I hold her heart in mine and could never love her more. xxxx

I Love You More , my little Mini-me xxx

Nite nite

two cute sheep hanging on washing line holding red heart - vector illustration

 

Black Sheep xxx

I Am NOT Black, You are NOT White

Happy Sunday everyone! I have had a manic few weeks and now the dust is settled on a long term journey aside from the one you know about…still under wraps for now but trust me when I tell you its no less turbulent than the one already shared with you lovely people…Anyway enough of that for now…in the meantime I came across Prince EA!! “Wow Wow Wow” is all I can say..he speaks the truth, makes a lot of sense and I cant get enough!

I am sharing this video and challenge you not to well up as you want to the end…you MUST watch this through as it is a massive lesson to us all. Simple yet so effective, just my type

Enjoy…

Love Black Sheep

xxx

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