Legacy Of an Adopted Child

Been a while I know….So I am counting the days to reuniting again with my BF siblings..along with various cousins , uncles and children all related to me and my daughter by DNA… Biology is a strange thing…..on the surface I don’t feel any different than any other daughter, wife, mother adopted sister or otherwise….but deep down I know the blood coursing through my veins is the same as theirs. We share the same genetic makeup . It brings again into focus the question I keep bringing up..Nature V Nurture…which applies to which aspects of my life? I searched for my truth and found way more answers than I ever had questions!

It would seem my first naive assumptions have proven to bite me on the arse…in fairness there is plenty of arse to bite!

Let’s face it , this “shit show “otherwise known as my journey, causes me to twist and turn like a drunk teenager on a Helter skelter at the fair!

My assumption is this…and very much causes me some embarrassment ….when I think back to how I pictured my BM family…my siblings on her side ..so one is again “away”..this time for the foreseeable for a pretty heinous crime…another is only occasionally on the same planet as the rest of us although when sober seems quite bright so that’s a shameful waste of skin. He told me he was torn between wishing he had known me as a child and sister growing up and being glad I’d been adopted for a better life that him.
The other, my maternal half sister is ….well thankfully by now I understand, down under, and can stay there as far as I’m concerned….weighed down by a mahoosive chip on her shoulder I was amazed not to hear a report of the Oz bound Boeing 747 going down over the Atlantic but still….lets move on…

My BF basically left my BM twice …with child..myself being the second bump beneath her already broken heart.

He came into her life, loved her, then left her to endure pregnancy and birth alone …then breezed back in and repeat….I have however, learned more about him in recent months. Learned to see him as a loving father to the children he knew as they grew up and without prejudice have concluded that I need to meet him to satisfy my curiosity…..I understood from my BM that he was the love of her life so maybe it’s biology or romanticism, but I can’t justify hating him as she never did, so what right would I have to do so? To spare her feelings I have kept quiet my intention to meet him… not that I truly understand what those feelings are now. I was asked if she would allow a photo of herself to be passed to him and the fact she said No makes me think the conversation is over in this respect.

I honestly feel the time is right for me to lay a few ghosts to rest, dispel a myth once and for all and make my own opinion. I’m hoping to encounter a lovable rogue…a man who remains a ladies man with a twinkle in his eye, but likely has a good heart.

So onto the foolhardy assuming that I have been guilty of..it’s true I assumed that as my BM is such a good and stoical woman ,that my siblings on her side would be like me, not only visually but in character… however it’s become clear that in fact the dis-functional thread that binds them is so far removed from my own lifestyle, personality and beliefs that we could be from completely different planets let alone all grew healthily sustained and nourished in the same bloody womb.

In a conversation with my middle maternal sibling ( backed into another proverbial corner , ambushed into speaking to him ..the usual) I learned that although a wonderfully loving and caring woman ,our “birth mother “tried her very best but lost control and her son’s went monumentally off the rails. As I’ve said, the other daughter has her own issues as we know but that’s not even worthy of my writing prowess…So as far as nurture , they were nurtured but given no discipline or boundaries …which he views not to be her fault…so are they his? If so why doesn’t he get a frigging grip and grow the hell up and take personal responsibility. I took the opportunity to advise him, as is my way…I said “Know this, if you let yourself lose either your mind, body or soul you will never get them back…she needs you to step up. Her plight is partly down to her son’s behavior (more in due course) so grow a pair and pay back the care…He took it on the chin as claimed to be in awe of speaking for the first time to his big sister! My big brother’s value my support and guidance too sunshine so it’s nowt to do with age!?

So that brings us to the siblings on my BF side. My assumption was they would have lives as chaotic as mine but nothing in common…. That they would be as alien to me as the other side of my biological family tree. How wrong was I? To be fair it has been another emotional rollercoaster whilst amazingly easy to find a way to fit with my kin on BF side. Basically the ease in which I’ve fit into my role of “Big sister” has amazed me..and possibly them too…I want to protect all of them even if they don’t need me to!

I’ve got to know my two sisters over the last few months since a first face to face in April….both of these beautiful and incredible women and the youngest sister’s children are already so special to me..the boys too after just meeting them once. As my eldest little sister said..It’s as if I’d popped out to the shops and now I’m back. It really is that simple..like we’ve known each other all our lives. The same with my two younger brothers…my feeling of wanting to protect them all is so strong …maybe it is no coincidence that our shared biological Nanny had been born and died on the same day as my own Birthday?..they all say I am very like her….

So I wonder this…is it a coincidence that the prayer Footprints on my BM wall had such an emotionally profound effect on me that she insisted I take the little brass and wooden plaque home…then the first time I visit my siblings in their home town, the only framed picture on my sisters bedroom wall is the very same prayer…

So I ask if this prayer has special meaning to them..they say it was Nanny’s and the boys say they know it from somewhere too…how bizarre to me that it holds such special meaning to both sides of my Gene pool…and trust me I’m in no way a religious person, Christian raised but not practicing. In fact more spiritual to be honest, it’s just one of those prayers that touches me deeply.

Which brings me to the title of this post…what exactly is my legacy?..I know from feedback my writing has and continues to touch many who read it…is the written word my legacy? I’ve done a half decent job of raising my step sons , daughter and adopted son…will they be my legacy?

My ever expanding long lost family only know me as I am as an adult today. So we have no real clue of the journey any of us took to get here, yet I feel almost newborn in their eyes as we learn what makes each other tick…

The thing that struck me most about all these new characters in my book of life was how alike we all are..shared laughter and the same sense of fun and humour…my youngest sibling brother suggested we have a group photo in order of our skin colour…just the kind of quip I would come out with.. hilarious face swaps on our phones also caused raucous raptures and I’m not gonna lie..I may have peed a teensy bit over the fact I really rock a goatee!? #oopsmoment

As I’ve learned over the last few years that where my Mum is concerned full disclosure (Ok… to a degree…on a need to know basis) is the only way to keep the peace and maintain the good place in which we are these days.

So I shared some details of my reunion including the amazingly colorful photo of our happiness which actually appears in the order of the Chakra . With me, the eldest in red at the centre. It really is an awesome photo.

Her response?!😯😝 Did you get out a photo of your real brothers to show them?

Oh yes, I forgot it was all about them? Jesus wept…like if I’d produced a photo of two random white guys like Pierce Brosnan and Bruce Willis it would have been just as ill timed and inappropriate.

I just wish she could let me own this stuff and stop acting like it’s a direct threat or undermining what I know to be my “real” family .Like the time I was pulled up for allowing my daughter to proudly claim to be “half Jamaican” Apparently this was plain wrong and she should be told she’s BRITISH..At this I calmly explained that as I am the biological child of two Jamaican born parents she is in fact correct and to suggest otherwise is rude,insulting and beyond fucking ignorant. Surely it was a good thing that her granddaughter felt comfortable in her own skin and proud of what she now knows to be her roots? Clearly not…this episode still gives me hives so I try to forget it and humour her… She foolishly suggested that my brother agreed with her stance and was embarrassed when I asked him directly if this were so. As expected he knew nothing of this and was infact as shocked as I was.. I am reminded on a regular basis albeit it in subtle ways..how lucky and grateful I should feel…the message is always loud and clear…even using the same tack with my boy..I fucking get it but this was Not the time or place to share my own adoption .They have their own stories to share as and when.

We shared this moment and I moved on as could see old wounds starting to appear and mentally and emotionally neither of us can afford to let them open up again .

So you see my assumptions proved to be misguided and unfounded….the siblings I expected to reject me as an interloper found me themselves and have welcomed me with warm hearts and open arms. The ones I expected same response from are distant, guarded, suspicious and self absorbed to the point of paranoia..I can’t help but feel they see me as some kind of threat..This couldn’t be further from the truth. All I ever wanted from my search for my BM was answers and to piece together the incomplete jigsaw of my life…I achieved this and much more as my relationship with her is as if we are best friends. Her children, however connected to me by blood of varying percentage , sadly are not going to add value to my life in any way….

And so my second assumption…

You know when you take time for granted ….assume all the time in the world to piece together the mysteries that make you whole…,? Well all I can advise you is don’t.

Life can be proper scary and kick you square on in the teeth… Drama has a way of unfolding out of control. One such drama continues without any sign of respite for my BM and in turn for me too. Back in May 2018 a number of Whatsapp messages and voice mails went unanswered. As time went on and after about a week I started to feel anxious..a sinking feeling of dread deep in my gut. I’d shake it off but it kept coming back…rather like the heartburn I’ve written of in the past. This was different though…like nerves fluttering before an interview. I put off chasing for a response as something told me I’d not get one. Then one day a call to her landline reinforced the feeling of dread as I was greeted with “the mailbox you are calling is full“.Now anyone who knows me knows that talking and communication are my super powers ..inherited in part from my BM and taught in another part by my Mum. So to imagine how on Earth my BM could get to the point of not clearing her telephones full mailbox made nausea rise in my throat.

What the fuck was going on? I knew something was very very seriously wrong. There was nothing for it, I needed to track her down and fast. I made a call to E, her best friend and neighbor..she is also very dear to me, almost like a precious aunt.

The last day I spoke to my BM she told me how much pressure she felt, mostly due to the ongoing needs of her sons. Their constant begging for her money, their issues with the police etc were really starting to effect her blood pressure and her general health. I’d talked to her and listened at length with the right level of sympathy, gritting my teeth to stop myself slating those needy baby-men and suggesting she let them sort out their own shite. Men in their mid to late 40’s should take care of her and not the other way around..take personal responsibility for their own decisions and own their own shit. Can you tell I am more than a little pissed off with these grasping childish boys?…I wont call them men as that’s not how I view them.

And so as I’m told by E to sit down and brace myself I know in that split second I’m not going to hear good news. The week my gut was nervously anxious about her , my sixth sense was serving me well. My BM was suffering a serious and life threatening brain haemmorrage.

I felt sick. My eyes filled and tears spilled onto my burning cheeks. My head was spinning and a Menopausal hot flush was burning me up from the inside.

How the hell did that happen? What was she doing when it happened? Who was with her? Oh my God, could she die? I’ve not had her long enough? This can’t be happening? It’s a bad dream I’ll wake up in a minute surely?

Nope, no nightmare of a fitful sleep. This shit just got very real.

Without going into the detail I’ll wrote of at another time..she is still in hospital, unable to breath without a Tracheotomy and is unable to speak. I’ve visited once and an emotional yet funny episode it was too. Warrants a whole post of it’s own so I won’t elaborate here for now. I’ve rung her to promise ill see her again soon. With me babbling away non stop and the rasping sound of her heavy breathing on the other end of the phone was a hard phone call to fathom. Almost like a reverse stalker. I collapsed in tears when I hung up the phone. Amazing how drained I felt when the call was over. I’m going again soon armed with a tablet so we can Skype. At least then we can see each other. Just hearing her deep breathing through a tube was quite distressing.

What I will admit is my deepest concern. She may never chat merrily to me again as in our past weekly phone calls. There’s a chance she may not have the capacity to even write to me again. Our daily messages have come to an abrupt end ..her number on my phone is left wanting…I’m left feeling a mixture of loss and fear…. my instinct is to help sort her life out..to wade in all guns blazing and get involved..Believe me it’s hard not to shake my fists at certain parties who seem to be working to control her and dress it up as God’s work. I’ll admit to having made a call to a certain Church Pastor and expressed my displeasure regarding a level of control I felt uneasy about. Basically told him to step back and let the woman recover. Without identifying myself of course….but made it clear he didn’t want to ignore the warning as his belief of Hell was about to be realized if he didn’t. God’s work my arse ….anyway more of that another time..

And so to conclude, the reason I am asking myself What is my legacy? I feel it only right to mark this period of my life in some meaningful way. In just the last two years I have brought home my baby boy , opened my heart and my home to a son who I view as of my own flesh. Whatever your opinion of Adoption, I am an adoptee so to adopt is as to give birth as far as I am concerned. He knows me as “Mamam” and is as adored by his family as if he were my flesh…a couple of nobodies who don’t view him as part of our family don’t matter in the least and can live in their own shame, they of course are no longer considered family.

In the last year I have been reunited with five siblings, learned I am the fourth eldest of a total of 14,maybe more… the eldest of the UK siblings, I know so far on my BF side, one of several internationals I am unlikely to meet…. big sister to 4 on BF side (at least) and 2 on the other. My BM has been hospitalized for over 7 months to date, my own Dad is deteriorating before my eyes and all in all its been one hell of a year.

I felt it high time to draw a line in that sand of Footprints and mark this time in my life as pretty bloody momentous. So what better way than to acknowledge how far this journey has taken me than with some ink. Yes, I’m getting my first tattoo…in fact I’ve already planned my second too.

This month , in the company of my daughter, my sisters and perhaps the brothers if they can be persuaded, I will endure my first tattoo. Based on the Adoption symbol (The triangle’s sides representing Adoptive Mother, the Adoptee and the Birth Mother, surrounded and wrapped in love, the Heart) I am adding both mine and my mum’s favourite flowers, a Bumble Bee representing the town of my birth, Manchester, and first name initials of all three of us. Inextricably bound together by Adoption.

Adoption Symbol

My second tattoo is to be a line of the Footprints poem with a pair of footprints , fashioned as bracelet.

I am hoping my siblings will do similar as the Prayer clearly is a key to much of what binds us together.

My daughter is to be with me, Its time she embraced my history and felt the all engulfing love and acceptance of her biological family…its no longer just me and her, shes part of a world of colour, desperate to meet her and welcome her as they have me…in time my son will be embraced by them too… of course she thinks she is coming with me simply to meet her blood relatives, but in actual fact it is so that I have something substantial to bite on during the pain of having my tattoo?!

I strongly believe that we are all placed where we should be in the world and the stars align to ensure we meet those who matter, at the time that matters most.

Trust in the universe to show you light in the darkness…allow yourself to dream as if it were reality..have faith that what you get is what you deserve….

Above all, take courage to leap into the unknown, it might just be exactly what you need to live the rest of your life without regret…

Thanks for reading

As always, much love

Black Sheep

xxx

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Black Sheep Sweet Dreams- A Review by my Sister

This is a bizarre post to write….but needs writing…So only a handful of folk have penned a review for my book.Thats absolutely fine as I wrote it for myself and not for reviews. As it’s the story of my life it needs no apology or edits. “I am what I am” as they say.

However this review is as surreal as it is special to me. You see, on this rollercoaster ride I call my life, I encounter new characters to add to my life’s stage ..at every turn it seems someone new is a part of my world. This heart felt review is by my beautiful reunited Sister on my birth father side. As I’ve not met him I am not in a position to say much but what I do know is his genes are bloody powerful.The likeness between me and this lovely girl is uncanny. This is not especially in looks (though we do share the same features) Our personalities are more complimentary than they are the same.

I feel protective of her as well as my other siblings and know she will always have my back as I will have hers same but we both chatter non stop and are both opinionated.

You see this beautiful soul ,with kindly eyes and a gentle smile ,had known about me all my life. I, on the the other hand had no clue of her existence nor that of my other siblings. That said, when we met face to face it was as if we had known of each other the whole time and I quote”it was as if I’d been away a while and come back home,”

Don’t misunderstand me, my brothers are my world..and I will always be there bossing them around whilst organising their lives…my newly discovered siblings add a positive new dimension to my life and that of my children. All enhancements are truly welcome and I feel blessed beyond words

So let me share with you her thoughts on what she read of my book so far..I’m hoping she finishes it too as her feedback means the world to me

“Now eye finally have a moment sitting down to read this wonderful book written by my beautiful sister

First thoughts; extremely vulnerable real writing style. Eye see so much of myself in her and it’s really inspiring and boosting my confidence as a person.

Quite often eye sit down to read a book and feel in the first few pages already I’m tuning out but this time I’m actually gripped. Not just because of the content, my drive to know more about the journey of this amazing lady eye am proud to call my sister, but also because just simply eye feel like her way of writing is just like writing from my thoughts as her sentences carry into the next mirroring the natural motion of conversation. Having spent the weekend with her this doesn’t really surprise me as eye confirmed we both have a way with being able to hold a conversation…..hehehe x

Eye feel already that it’s building to some more emotional stuff so gonna grab some tissues close for when it happens…..how beautiful that eye can even feel that. It’s like when ewe make happy so as to smooth the later blows.

Not even quarter way but already really impressed. Just wanted to introduce ewe all to this wonderful book BLACK SHEEP, SWEET DREAMS

If ewe want a page turner that grips the heart eye encourage ewe to get urself a copy.

Love ewe Sis x so happy we found each other x

Serena ❤🤞

Thanks to her and any other valued reader of my story ❤️

Lots of Love

Black Sheep xx

Be Genuine This Christmas

Just a thought… I’m wondering how many years I’ve mindlessly worked through my address book writing Christmas cards? How many have moved, or even know my youngest exists? How many don’t give me or mine a second thought until they do the same when they dust off their own address book?
Half probably don’t give a shit if I’m alive or dead but send one cos my address is still in their little book? We all do it..and we also know the stamp costs more than the card…we are kidding ourselves if we think its showing Christmas spirit or a gesture of faux Good Will. If you make zero effort with that person for the entire year then send a card as if to say You are in my thoughts, you are lying to yourself and to them. Its fucking paper people,, means nothing . if you give a toss, ring….if you care whether they are happy, healthy and even alive, ring them. If you have given them the time of day during the year they don’t need that tiny teeny gesture as they would feature in your life. I hate myself for doing exactly this again this year and then receiving cards from those who have done it to me. I am making a promise to myself NOT to do it next year. The worst are those who add their address, new or old on the card so you can update your sad old address book to continue the farce for more years to come.
Be genuine, be current and be present in the lives of those you want to wish a Happy New Year…it’s not a show where your part has to keep up an appearance..ffs bow out of the charade. I’ve accidentally sent a card to someone who dropped my arse from the highest height over Christmas two years ago..wtf is that about?..I don’t even miss her lol….she is dead to me yet will open a piece of cheap paper with jolly Christmas cheer and wonder why? She is right too as actually shes a prick who I would walk past in the street. That is my point ….the people who are important to you will know your shit, you will know what dramas and trauma they are facing and care enough to support them during the year…not pretend to care once a year with a card featuring a robin and snow scene
FRIENDSHIP IS A 12 MONTH DEAL….NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS.
BURN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK or at least delete the folk you treat to a card yet treat them to nothing else

Merry Christmas to all my Lambs xxx

Much love
Black sheep xxx

Happy Birthday Dad – an open letter to Mother Nature and Fate

On a day like today the sky should have been blue

The sun should have shone on me and on you

A stunning rainbow gave me hope in my heart

Made me think of my childhood, where loving you could start

You were shown this black baby, this bundle of joy

You didn’t care if I was a girl or a boy

The quote you repeat when asked if “I’d do.?” was

“Yes ,she’ll do fine….

If I’d known at the time I’d have said

“Oh Yes Please, do make this man be my Daddy of mine”

Such courage to take me in as your own…. Two wonderful people gave me love and a home

No doubt about it,you’d faced opposition

You didnt care and held your position

You were being my Daddy,no matter what!

You were my hero,my strength and my rock

I know it’s a cliche to be Daddies girl but I’m proud to be so, as you are my world

I could scream at Mother Nature who’s dealt this cruel hand

You’ve endured such pain and a struggle most couldn’t stand

So brave and so stoic ,my heart could break in two

For my Dad,once stood tall and proud this is true

No man on this Earth holds a candle to you

I see a tear roll down your face yet you are silent

I dab your cheek dry and wish I could vent

A Faraway look in your eyes, like you’re reliving the past

I want to scream ‘it’s not fair, time’s moving too fast”

You’ve drifted off to a world in your head

Let me join you, there’s so much to say, so much still unsaid

Dad, stay with me, I need you, I’m lost and I’m sad

My children adore you, their precious Grand- Dad

It’s your 80th birthday and you reached for my hand

Love in your eyes says “Please understand”

Not a single word needed, your eyes say it all

I feel like my life and the world is close to free-fall

“Be Happy my daughter, You know that I love you”

For both, in that moment history came into view

Like silent movie playing slow on a reel

I’m struggling to capture the way that I feel

There’s no greater love than daughter and dad

My heart yearns to relive the memories we had

That bitch Mother nature, she stole from us all…my dad never hurt you yet you made him fall

He’s loving and gentle and you fucked him over

Your cruel fingers, spiteful ways have dealt him this blow

To give him disease was the lowest of low

Never blight the evil but strike in the decent

It’s not like he deserved it, neither past or recent

He once asked my Mother the saddest of plea

He asked her without irony, he asked her “Why Me?”

I so wish I could answer with logic, it’s true

But honestly there’s no reason why it should have been You

Of all those I know who deserve good health

Your the one! The one who has a wealth

A wealth of poise, honour and finesse

An intellect with integrity, generous and pure

If Mother Nature knew you, she’d have spared you, I’m sure

If she knew you, my Dad, you’d be still walking tall

But she showed no mercy, my Dad, this great man

I’ll never forgive her, for taking the best of my Dad

The Dad who chose to give me the great life that I’ve had

Selfless and giving he took nothing he’d not earned

She owes him the years of health and adventure he’d yearned

I’ll always struggle to accept the cruelness of fate.

Another bitch I’m going to be happy to hate

I’m angry with what I see as two selfish bitches

Mother Nature and Fate are no better than witches

My Dad is my world and deserved so much more

He’s suffering ,lost dignity and has soreness to endure

At 80 he should be fit and able

Not a shell of himself!! Silent, disabled

It’s just so unfair, I’m angry and sad

But no matter what, I love him, he’s my Dad.

Happy Birthday Dad, My love always

Black Sheep xxx

Sibling Rivalry

Before I proceed with the process of adding to my lovely family I want to give some thought to a subject touched on before. Remember my growing relationship with a half sibling sister on my Birth Mother’s side.? Well things progressed…..

Someone who shares the same genetic makeup is not necessarily going to fit your ideal just because you share blood lines.

Taking you back….I’d found this sibling way back in my search for BM. Of course unbeknown to me, she had also been given up for adoption. Therefore she too had a name change. Fortunately really because she did have a fairly shite name!;-)

Anyway, I had always maintained I had no interest in finding anyone other than my BM. My Mum told me this was hopefully naive as baggage would drag along with her. Of course she was right but I remained resolute in my decision. Even armed (not dangerous) with the name and postal address of this half sister I sat on it for over 3 years before making contact. My Birth Mother of course prayed regularly for us to reunite but I wouldn’t until the time felt right.

I already knew who and where she worked. I had her in my LinkedIn…well why not? And as you know because we share a similar work life..well loosely. So I obviously had the advantage. Now she had once already shyed away from our fledgling friendship for fear of getting too close. She claimed she was unable to sustain a friendship by WhatsApp but felt she did want to meet me. Perhaps I could write her news in a handwritten letter. Perhaps she could kiss my arse? I’m a wife with kids , work, juggling aging parents…( Not literally you understand, that would just be silly and not practical)

What am I?? 80 with access to a feathered quill? Sod off…..

In reality I should have listened to my gut and stepped away from the woman at this point….but I left the lines of communication open and didn’t block her. Her constant need to tell me all about her awful work life and how her friends behaved badly to her was beginning to wear me down. She regularly fantasized about men in the public eye so would reach out for me to agree that so-&-so was hot blah blah..when invariably they were lucky if they were lukewarm.

I think from now I will refer to her without affection as BFF (Bonkers Fruit Loop Frenemy)..see what I did there?😂

So BFF went quiet around Christmas 2015 ,just before our trip when we decided to pursue adoption. To reiterate a quote ” she couldn’t sustain a friendship on WhatsApp”. Despite this we mutually agreed not to meet even though she felt her application to migrate to Oz may happen the next Spring.

I was fine with this as although lost money in train fair I knew she was unhinged.

Sadly as time and bickering went on,it became clear we literally only shared DNA…which should in this case stand for DO NOT APPROACH! Her self loathing and hatred if her past,her present and all who encountered her was only marginally less than her hatred it seemed of yours truly . And certainly of our Birth Mother. The Dear John she had send in the not too distant past still had left a black cloud over our BM and I don’t think she was aware that I knew about it.I was sure she had no clue the damage it had done,nor did she give a shit!

I digress……

Her suspicion and paranoid reaction to everything was draining. If there was even the most miniscule chance to find a negative slant on a comment she would find it….You see,if you agreed with her you were fine..if not you were on a sticky wicket and would feel her wrath. She had a nasty tongue in that head I tell you. I’m not one for proof reading a text if written from the hip. Jeez, I struggle to proof read this blog!!!

I make no apology for saying it as I see it, never have…. so I was damned if I was going to start now with a complete stranger. Nope!

For example on one occasion we chatted about her neice who was saying she didn’t feel she could visit her in Oz next year if indeed she had moved by then. She told me she couldn’t believe how ungrateful that was. A free holiday.

On closer inspection said Free Holiday was accommodation only so not free at all…did she not see that a month off a job and a flight to Oz wasn’t a easy ask for someone in their early 20’s on a standard wage. I managed to bite my tongue for a while as she railed against her neice and her lack of support for HER and her lack of excitement about a trip down under (albeit self-funded).

Eventually I venture tentatively with “Maybe it’s not a dream of hers to visit Oz, it’s not for everyone and it’s a hell of a long way for a jolly!?” ..trying to keep it light.

BFF replies “Well it’s an amazing place I don’t understand her attitude”

Well now I bit.”I get it though, it doesn’t make her a bad person because she’s not up for it..It’s a major undertaking to travel to bottom of the globe..basically the other side of the world and take all that time off…I don’t see gratitude coming into it at all…”

Well….you’d think I had just murdered her neice, shaved her head and stuck it in a freaking spike…the reaction I got for trying to reason was thus…

BFF “I never said she was a bad person, I’ll thank you to keep you opinions on my niece to yourself. I was merely mentioning that I had generously invited her to visit and she declined …how dare you insinuate that she is a bad person!!?

What the actual f…? What did I say?

So you get the gist..treading carefully with such a volatile personality was very tiring and left me often second guessing and re writing text over and over until it said nothing at all that could be misconstrued. That’s NOT easy and isn’t how I roll….Her expectation was that I would agree with everything and be her Yes person at the end of the line.

Er Nope…I’m not that person, never was, so I am confused as to how or why she thinks this would ever work out between us.

In fairness it wasn’t working out at all and I think her aim was to keep me on elastic..pull me in and let me bounce away again,like a bobbing balloon seeping it’s helium …what am I supposed to do with that sort of person?…step away is what…

We moved on and I was left smarting and hurt by the fact she was clearly determined to misunderstand me at every turn.

In my life I have learned that people are often challenging and people can change… close friends may become too comfortable in a friendship to the point where they know so much about you they use what they know to wound you if given the chance. Someone I believed always had my back did exactly that. She knows who she is but only she knows why she turned. We went back many years and shared breakups, marriages, holidays and birthday celebrations. She was a sister by another mother and we even referred to each other as Sisters. Lessons we’re learned ,guard went up as she showed an aura that was very unpleasant. At that point when someone who you trust with the lives of your children turns on you unexpectedly and with no explanation you have to step away. In the words of multicolored haired Cyndi Lauper, her True Colours came shining through….

I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. You think you know a person then realise you don’t actually want to share important stuff with them as you no longer trust them or their opinions. It’s a strange thing. In that particular case I consider myself well rid and steer clear as really not worth my energy.

In the case of BFF we didn’t have the luxury of such history. Therefore she was on a three strikes and your out as far as I was concerned.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t discuss her with my BM or vise versa and managed to keep to this for some time. Eventually of course I could no longer afford BFF that courtesy.

Partly to warn BM what a nut job her other adopted daughter has turned into.

I have no idea exactly why this attractive and intelligent woman is quite so bitter. Ive only been able to piece together snippets of the scant personal information she has disclosed. I get the distinct impression her adoption was not as mine. I sense an envy there when she mentions feuds and fall outs amongst her family.

The dust settled and she proceeds with her application to emigrate. Partly I think as apparently EVERYONE at work hates her, EVERY single person there is an out and out racist and out to get her. Oz of course is the least racist country by a Trump mile.yeah right…..ffs!

Her being passed over for promotion is if course because they are racist..not at all to do with her inability to manage people because she rubs them up the wrong way. Of course not. Ha!

So after some weeks of me putting my size 8 foot in my mouth I resigned to the fact that me and this genetic match were just too different and she was bloody hard work.

We exchanged several bitchy whatsapp messages…resulting in her blocking me..which was surprisingly gratifying..However, and proof positive the girl is two sarnies short of a picnic, she then emails me to tell me I’m blocked and urge me not to contact her again! lol 😂..Who does that?? Pure twatism is what that is..

So now its game on ..nothing to lose as frankly I’m having the last word…I tell her to run along, pack her bags but be sure to weigh them before heading to the airport. I warned her the weight baggage allowance might not be sufficient if she carried the chip on her shoulder in her hold baggage…she didn’t like that and bit back with some convoluted explanation as to why I was needy in wanting a relationship with our BM, unlike her who sought her out of simple curiosity.

You can imagine my response….need I say more?

Anyway , this leads me neatly onto tell you that not all of my newly discovered siblings share this genetic makeup…As it happens in total I am one of a possible 14 or so beautiful, bonkers human beings..Yep you read that right..slowly getting my head around it I have already a close bond to two younger sisters and I’m excited to soon be meeting more long lost siblings.

To be able to say “my sisters” and know they see me as their “big sister”is amazing , surreal but definitely amazing…more of that in due course!

For now I’ve promised you a few reviews and the next one will be from one of my newly discovered sister’s..

Good night for now ,this Black Sheep is off to count siblings!!

Lots of Love

Black Sheep x

PS. you might like to refer to a post from when I first discovered the siblings on my BM side here

https://blacksheepsweetdreams.me/2016/03/16/my-journey-siblings-unknown/

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