Black Sheep Sweet Dreams- A Review by my Sister

This is a bizarre post to write….but needs writing…So only a handful of folk have penned a review for my book.Thats absolutely fine as I wrote it for myself and not for reviews. As it’s the story of my life it needs no apology or edits. “I am what I am” as they say.

However this review is as surreal as it is special to me. You see, on this rollercoaster ride I call my life, I encounter new characters to add to my life’s stage ..at every turn it seems someone new is a part of my world. This heart felt review is by my beautiful reunited Sister on my birth father side. As I’ve not met him I am not in a position to say much but what I do know is his genes are bloody powerful.The likeness between me and this lovely girl is uncanny. This is not especially in looks (though we do share the same features) Our personalities are more complimentary than they are the same.

I feel protective of her as well as my other siblings and know she will always have my back as I will have hers same but we both chatter non stop and are both opinionated.

You see this beautiful soul ,with kindly eyes and a gentle smile ,had known about me all my life. I, on the the other hand had no clue of her existence nor that of my other siblings. That said, when we met face to face it was as if we had known of each other the whole time and I guote”it was as if I’d been away a while and come back home,”

Don’t missunderstand me, my brothers are my world..and I will always be there bossing them around whilst organising their lives…my newly discovered siblings add a positive new dimension to my life and that of my children. All enhancements are truly welcome and I feel blessed beyond words

So let me share with you her thoughts on what she read of my book so far..I’m hoping she finishes it too as her feedback means the world to me

“Now eye finally have a moment sitting down to read this wonderful book written by my beautiful sister

First thoughts; extremely vulnerable real writing style. Eye see so much of myself in her and it’s really inspiring and boosting my confidence as a person.

Quite often eye sit down to read a book and feel in the first few pages allready I’m tuning out but this time I’m actually gripped. Not just because of the content, my drive to know more about the journey of this amazing lady eye am proud to call my sister, but allso because just simply eye feel like her way of writing is just like writing from my thoughts as her sentences carry into the next mirroring the natural motion of conversation. Having spent the weekend with her this doesn’t really surprise me as eye confirmed we both have a way with being able to hold a conversation…..hehehe x

Eye feel allready that it’s building to some more emotional stuff so gonna grab some tissues close for when it happens…..how beautiful that eye can even feel that. It’s like when ewe make happy so as to smooth the later blows.

Not even quarter way but allready really impressed. Just wanted to introduce ewe all to this wonderful book BLACK SHEEP, SWEET DREAMS

If ewe want a page turner that grips the heart eye encourage ewe to get urself a copy.

Love ewe Sis x so happy we found each other x

Serena ❤🤞

Thanks to her and any other valued reader of my story ❤️

Lots of Love

Black Sheep xx

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Be Genuine This Christmas

Just a thought… I’m wondering how many years I’ve mindlessly worked through my address book writing Christmas cards? How many have moved, or even know my youngest exists? How many don’t give me or mine a second thought until they do the same when they dust off their own address book?
Half probably don’t give a shit if I’m alive or dead but send one cos my address is still in their little book? We all do it..and we also know the stamp costs more than the card…we are kidding ourselves if we think its showing Christmas spirit or a gesture of faux Good Will. If you make zero effort with that person for the entire year then send a card as if to say You are in my thoughts, you are lying to yourself and to them. Its fucking paper people,, means nothing . if you give a toss, ring….if you care whether they are happy, healthy and even alive, ring them. If you have given them the time of day during the year they don’t need that tiny teeny gesture as they would feature in your life. I hate myself for doing exactly this again this year and then receiving cards from those who have done it to me. I am making a promise to myself NOT to do it next year. The worst are those who add their address, new or old on the card so you can update your sad old address book to continue the farce for more years to come.
Be genuine, be current and be present in the lives of those you want to wish a Happy New Year…it’s not a show where your part has to keep up an appearance..ffs bow out of the charade. I’ve accidentally sent a card to someone who dropped my arse from the highest height over Christmas two years ago..wtf is that about?..I don’t even miss her lol….she is dead to me yet will open a piece of cheap paper with jolly Christmas cheer and wonder why? She is right too as actually shes a prick who I would walk past in the street. That is my point ….the people who are important to you will know your shit, you will know what dramas and trauma they are facing and care enough to support them during the year…not pretend to care once a year with a card featuring a robin and snow scene
FRIENDSHIP IS A 12 MONTH DEAL….NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS.
BURN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK or at least delete the folk you treat to a card yet treat them to nothing else

Merry Christmas to all my Lambs xxx

Much love
Black sheep xxx

Happy Birthday Dad – an open letter to Mother Nature & Fate

On a day like today the sky should have been blue

The sun should have shone on me and on you

A stunning rainbow gave me hope in my heart

Made me think of my childhood, where loving you could start

You were shown this black baby, this bundle of joy

You didn’t care if I was a girl or a boy

The quote you repeat when asked if “I’d do.?” was

“Yes ,she’ll do fine….

If I’d known at the time I’d have said

“Oh Yes Please, do make this man be my Daddy of mine”

Such courage to take me in as your own…. Two wonderful people gave me love and a home

No doubt about it,you’d faced opposition

You didnt care and held your position

You were being my Daddy,no matter what!

You were my hero,my strength and my rock

I know it’s a cliche to be Daddies girl but I’m proud to be so, as you are my world

I could scream at Mother Nature who’s dealt this cruel hand

You’ve endured such pain and a struggle most couldn’t stand

So brave and so stoic ,my heart could break in two

For my Dad,once stood tall and proud this is true

No man on this Earth holds a candle to you

I see a tear roll down your face yet you are silent

I dab your cheek dry and wish I could vent

A Faraway look in your eyes, like you’re reliving the past

I want to scream ‘it’s not fair, time’s moving too fast”

You’ve drifted off to a world in your head

Let me join you, there’s so much to say,so.much still unsaid

Dad, stay with me, I need you, I’m lost and I’m sad

My children adore you, their precious Grand- Dad

It’s your 80th birthday and you reached for my hand

Love in your eyes says “Please understand”

Not a single word needed your eyes say it all

I feel like my life and the world is close to free-fall

“Be Happy my daughter, You know that I love you”

For both, in that moment history came into view

Like silent movie playing slow on a reel

I’m struggling to capture the way that I feel

There’s no greater love than daughter and dad

My heart yearns to relive the memories we had

That bitch Mother nature,she stole from us all…my dad never hurt you yet you made him fall

He’s loving and gentle and you fucked him over

Your cruel fingers, spiteful ways have dealt him this blow

To give him disease was the lowest of the low

Never blight the evil but strike in the decent

It’s not like he deserved it,neither past or recent

He once asked my Mother the saddest of plea

He asked her without irony,he asked her “Why Me?”

I so wish I could answer with logic, it’s true

But honestly there’s no reason why it should have been You

Of all those I know who deserve good health

Your the one! The one who has a wealth

A wealth of poise, honour and finesse

An intellect with integrity, generous and pure

If Mother Nature knew you,she’d have spared you,I’m sure

If she knew you,my Dad, you’d be still walking tall

But she showed no mercy,my Dad,this great man

I’ll never forgive her, for taking the best of my Dad

The Dad who chose to give me the great life that I’ve had

Selfless and giving he took nothing he’d not earned

She owes him the years of health and adventure he’d yearned

I’ll always struggle to accept the cruelness of fate.

Another bitch I’m going to be happy to hate

I’m.angry with what I see as two selfish bitches

Mother Nature and Fate are no better than witches

My Dad is my world and deserved so much more

He’s suffering ,lost dignity and has soreness to endure

At 80 ,he should be fit and able

Not a shell of himself!! Silent, disabled

It’s just so unfair, I’m angry and sad

But no matter what, I love him, he’s my Dad.

Happy Birthday Dad, My love always

Black Sheep xxx

Sibling Rivalry

Before I proceed with the process of adding to my lovely family I want to give some thought to a subject touched on before. Remember my growing relationship with a half sibling sister on my Birth Mother’s side.? Well things progressed…..

Someone who shares the same genetic makeup is not necessarily going to fit your ideal just because you share blood lines.

Taking you back….I’d found this sibling way back in my search for BM. Of course unbeknown to me, she had also been given up for adoption. Therefore she too had a name change. Fortunately really because she did have a fairly shite name!;-)

Anyway, I had always maintained I had no interest in finding anyone other than my BM. My Mum told me this was hopefully naive as baggage would drag along with her. Of course she was right but I remained resolute in my decision. Even armed (not dangerous) with the name and postal address of this half sister I sat on it for over 3 years before making contact. My Birth Mother of course prayed regularly for us to reunite but I wouldn’t until the time felt right.

I already knew who and where she worked. I had her in my LinkedIn…well why not? And as you know because we share a similar work life..well loosely. So I obviously had the advantage. Now she had once already shyed away from our fledgling friendship for fear of getting too close. She claimed she was unable to sustain a friendship by WhatsApp but felt she did want to meet me. Perhaps I could write her news in a handwritten letter. Perhaps she could kiss my arse? I’m a wife with kids , work, juggling aging parents…( Not literally you understand, that would just be silly and not practical)

What am I?? 80 with access to a feathered quill? Sod off…..

In reality I should have listened to my gut and stepped away from the woman at this point….but I left the lines of communication open and didn’t block her. Her constant need to tell me all about her awful work life and how her friends behaved badly to her was beginning to wear me down. She regularly fantasized about men in the public eye so would reach out for me to agree that so-&-so was hot blah blah..when invariably they were lucky if they were lukewarm.

I think from now I will refer to her without affection as BFF (Bonkers Fruit Loop Frenemy)..see what I did there?😂

So BFF went quiet around Christmas 2015 ,just before our trip when we decided to pursue adoption. To reiterate a quote ” she couldn’t sustain a friendship on WhatsApp”. Despite this we mutually agreed not to meet even though she felt her application to migrate to Oz may happen the next Spring.

I was fine with this as although lost money in train fair I knew she was unhinged.

Sadly as time and bickering went on,it became clear we literally only shared DNA…which should in this case stand for DO NOT APPROACH! Her self loathing and hatred if her past,her present and all who encountered her was only marginally less than her hatred it seemed of yours truly . And certainly of our Birth Mother. The Dear John she had send in the not too distant past still had left a black cloud over our BM and I don’t think she was aware that I knew about it.I was sure she had no clue the damage it had done,nor did she give a shit!

I digress……

Her suspicion and paranoid reaction to everything was draining. If there was even the most miniscule chance to find a negative slant on a comment she would find it….You see,if you agreed with her you were fine..if not you were on a sticky wicket and would feel her wrath. She had a nasty tongue in that head I tell you. I’m not one for proof reading a text if written from the hip. Jeez, I struggle to proof read this blog!!!

I make no apology for saying it as I see it, never have…. so I was damned if I was going to start now with a complete stranger. Nope!

For example on one occasion we chatted about her neice who was saying she didn’t feel she could visit her in Oz next year if indeed she had moved by then. She told me she couldn’t believe how ungrateful that was. A free holiday.

On closer inspection said Free Holiday was accommodation only so not free at all…did she not see that a month off a job and a flight to Oz wasn’t a easy ask for someone in their early 20’s on a standard wage. I managed to bite my tongue for a while as she railed against her neice and her lack of support for HER and her lack of excitement about a trip down under (albeit self-funded).

Eventually I venture tentatively with “Maybe it’s not a dream of hers to visit Oz, it’s not for everyone and it’s a hell of a long way for a jolly!?” ..trying to keep it light.

BFF replies “Well it’s an amazing place I don’t understand her attitude”

Well now I bit.”I get it though, it doesn’t make her a bad person because she’s not up for it..It’s a major undertaking to travel to bottom of the globe..basically the other side of the world and take all that time off…I don’t see gratitude coming into it at all…”

Well….you’d think I had just murdered her neice, shaved her head and stuck it in a freaking spike…the reaction I got for trying to reason was thus…

BFF “I never said she was a bad person, I’ll thank you to keep you opinions on my niece to yourself. I was merely mentioning that I had generously invited her to visit and she declined …how dare you insinuate that she is a bad person!!?

What the actual f…? What did I say?

So you get the gist..treading carefully with such a volatile personality was very tiring and left me often second guessing and re writing text over and over until it said nothing at all that could be misconstrued. That’s NOT easy and isn’t how I roll….Her expectation was that I would agree with everything and be her Yes person at the end of the line.

Er Nope…I’m not that person, never was, so I am confused as to how or why she thinks this would ever work out between us.

In fairness it wasn’t working out at all and I think her aim was to keep me on elastic..pull me in and let me bounce away again,like a bobbing balloon seeping it’s helium …what am I supposed to do with that sort of person?…step away is what…

We moved on and I was left smarting and hurt by the fact she was clearly determined to misunderstand me at every turn.

In my life I have learned that people are often challenging and people can change… close friends may become too comfortable in a friendship to the point where they know so much about you they use what they know to wound you if given the chance. Someone I believed always had my back did exactly that. She knows who she is but only she knows why she turned. We went back many years and shared breakups, marriages, holidays and birthday celebrations. She was a sister by another mother and we even referred to each other as Sisters. Lessons we’re learned ,guard went up as she showed an aura that was very unpleasant. At that point when someone who you trust with the lives of your children turns on you unexpectedly and with no explanation you have to step away. In the words of multicolored haired Cyndi Lauper, her True Colours came shining through….

I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. You think you know a person then realise you don’t actually want to share important stuff with them as you no longer trust them or their opinions. It’s a strange thing. In that particular case I consider myself well rid and steer clear as really not worth my energy.

In the case of BFF we didn’t have the luxury of such history. Therefore she was on a three strikes and your out as far as I was concerned.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t discuss her with my BM or vise versa and managed to keep to this for some time. Eventually of course I could no longer afford BFF that courtesy.

Partly to warn BM what a nut job her other adopted daughter has turned into.

I have no idea exactly why this attractive and intelligent woman is quite so bitter. Ive only been able to piece together snippets of the scant personal information she has disclosed. I get the distinct impression her adoption was not as mine. I sense an envy there when she mentions feuds and fall outs amongst her family.

The dust settled and she proceeds with her application to emigrate. Partly I think as apparently EVERYONE at work hates her, EVERY single person there is an out and out racist and out to get her. Oz of course is the least racist country by a Trump mile.yeah right…..ffs!

Her being passed over for promotion is if course because they are racist..not at all to do with her inability to manage people because she rubs them up the wrong way. Of course not. Ha!

So after some weeks of me putting my size 8 foot in my mouth I resigned to the fact that me and this genetic match were just too different and she was bloody hard work.

We exchanged several bitchy whatsapp messages…resulting in her blocking me..which was surprisingly gratifying..However, and proof positive the girl is two sarnies short of a picnic, she then emails me to tell me I’m blocked and urge me not to contact her again! lol 😂..Who does that?? Pure twatism is what that is..

So now its game on ..nothing to lose as frankly I’m having the last word…I tell her to run along, pack her bags but be sure to weigh them before heading to the airport. I warned her the weight baggage allowance might not be sufficient if she carried the chip on her shoulder in her hold baggage…she didn’t like that and bit back with some convoluted explanation as to why I was needy in wanting a relationship with our BM, unlike her who sought her out of simple curiosity.

You can imagine my response….need I say more?

Anyway , this leads me neatly onto tell you that not all of my newly discovered siblings share this genetic makeup…As it happens in total I am one of a possible 14 or so beautiful, bonkers human beings..Yep you read that right..slowly getting my head around it I have already a close bond to two younger sisters and I’m excited to soon be meeting more long lost siblings.

To be able to say “my sisters” and know they see me as their “big sister”is amazing , surreal but definitely amazing…more of that in due course!

For now I’ve promised you a few reviews and the next one will be from one of my newly discovered sister’s..

Good night for now ,this Black Sheep is off to count siblings!!

Lots of Love

Black Sheep x

PS. you might like to refer to a post from when I first discovered the siblings on my BM side here

https://blacksheepsweetdreams.me/2016/03/16/my-journey-siblings-unknown/

Sibling Rivalry revisited

Before I proceed with the process of adding to my lovely family I want to give some thought to a subject touched on before. Remember my growing relationship with a half sibling sister on my Birth Mother’s side.? Well things progressed…..

Someone who shares the same genetic makeup is not necessarily going to fit your ideal just because you share blood lines.

Taking you back….I’d found this sibling way back in my search for BM. Of course unbeknown to me, she had also been given up for adoption. Therefore she too had a name change. Fortunately really because she did have a fairly shite name!;-)

Anyway, I had always maintained I had no interest in finding anyone other than my BM. My Mum told me this was hopefully naive as baggage would drag along with her. Of course she was right but I remained resolute in my decision. Even armed (not dangerous) with the name and postal address of this half sister I sat on it for over 3 years before making contact. My Birth Mother of course prayed regularly for us to reunite but I wouldn’t until the time felt right.

I already knew who and where she worked. I had her in my LinkedIn…well why not? And as you know because we share a similar work life..well loosely. So I obviously had the advantage. Now she had once already shyed away from our fledgling friendship for fear of getting too close. She claimed she was unable to sustain a friendship by WhatsApp but felt she did want to meet me. Perhaps I could write her news in a handwritten letter. Perhaps she could kiss my arse? I’m a wife with kids , work, juggling aging parents…( Not literally you understand, that would just be silly and not practical)

What am I?? 80 with access to a feathered quill? Sod off…..

In reality I should have listened to my gut and stepped away from the woman at this point….but I left the lines of communication open and didn’t block her. Her constant need to tell me all about her aweful work life and how her friends behaved badly to her was beginning to wear me down. She regularly fantasized about men in the public eye so would reach out for me to agree that so-&-so was hot blah blah..when invariably they were lucky if they were lukewarm.

I think from now I will refer to her without affection as BFF (Bonkers Fruitloop Frenemy)..see what I did there?😂

So BFF went quiet around Christmas 2015 ,just before our trip when we decided to pursue adoption. To reiterate a quote ” she couldn’t sustain a friendship on WhatsApp”. Despite this we mutually agreed not to meet even though she felt her application to migrate to Oz may happen the next Spring.

I was fine with this as although lost money in train fair I knew she was unhinged.

Sadly as time and bickering went on,it became clear we literally only shared DNA…which should in this case stand for DO NOT APPROACH! Her self loathing and hatred if her past,her present and all who encountered her was only marginally less than her hatred it seemed of yours truly . And certainly of our Birth Mother. The Dear John she had send in the not too distant past still had left a black cloud over our BM and I don’t think she was aware that I knew about it.I was sure she had no clue the damage it had done,nor did she give a shit!

I digress……

Her suspicion and paranoid reaction to everything was draining. If there was even the most miniscule chance to find a negative slant on a comment she would find it….You see,if you agreed with her you were fine..if not you were on a sticky wicket and would feel her wrath. She had a nasty tongue in that head I tell you. I’m not one for proof reading a text if written from the hip. Jeez, I struggle to proof read this blog!!!

I make no apology for saying it as I see it, never have…. so I was damned if I was going to start now with a complete stranger. Nope!

For example on one occasion we chatted about her neice who was saying she didn’t feel she could visit her in Oz next year if indeed she had moved by then. She told me she couldn’t believe how ungrateful that was. A free holiday.

On closer inspection said Free Holiday was accommodation only so not free at all…did she not see that a month off a job and a flight to Oz wasn’t a easy ask for someone in their early 20’s on a standard wage. I managed to bite my tongue for a while as she railed against her neice’s lack of support for HER and her lack of excitement about a trip down under (albeit self-funded).

Eventually I venture tentatively with “Maybe it’s not a dream of hers to visit Oz, it’s not for everyone and it’s a hell of a long way for a jolly!?” ..trying to keep it light.

BFF replies “Well it’s an amazing place I don’t understand her attitude”

Well now I bit.”I get it though, it doesn’t make her a bad person because she’s not up for it..It’s a major undertaking to travel to bottom of the globe..basically the other side of the world and take all that time off…I don’t see gratitude coming into it at all…”

Well….you’d think I had just murdered her neice, shaved her head and stuck it in a freaking spike…the reaction I got for trying to reason was thus…

BFF “I never said she was a bad person, I’ll thank you to keep you opinions on my niece to yourself. I was merely mentioning that I had generously invited her to visit and she declined …how dare you insinuate that she is a bad person!!?

What th actual f…? What did I say?

So you get the gist..treading carefully with such a volatile personality was very tiring and left me often second guessing and re writing text over and over until it said nothing at all that could be misconstrued. Thats NOT easy and isn’t how I roll….Her expectation was that I would agree with everything and be her Yes person at the end of the line.

Er Nope…I’m not that person, never was, so am confused as to how or why she thinks this would ever work out between us.

In fairness it wasn’t working out at all and I think her aim was to keep me on elastic..pull me in and let me bounce away again,like a bobbing balloon seeping it’s helium …what am I supposed to do with that sort of person?…step away is what…

We moved on and I was left smarting and hurt by the fact she was clearly determined to misunderstand me at every turn.

In my life I have learned that people are often challenging and people can change… close friends may become too comfortable in a friendship to the point where they know so much about you they use what they know to wound you if given the chance. Someone I believed always had my back did exactly that. She knows who she is but only she knows why she turned. We went back many years and shared breakups, marriages, holidays and birthday celebrations. She was a sister by another mother and we even referred to each other as Sisters. Lessons we’re learned ,guard went up as she showed an aura that was very unpleasant. At that point when someone who you trust with the lives of your children turns on you unexpectedly and with no explanation you have to step away. In the words of multicolored haired Cyndi Lauper, her True Colours came shining through….

I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. You think you know a person then realise you don’t actually want to share important stuff with them as you no longer trust them or their opinions. It’s a strange thing. In that particular case I consider myself well rid and steer clear as really not worth my energy.

In the case of BFF we didn’t have the luxury of such history. Therefore she was on a three strikes and your out as far as I was concerned.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t discuss her with my BM or vise versa and managed to keep to this for some time. Eventually of course I could no longer afford BFF that privilage.

Partly to warn BM what a nutjob her other adopted daughter has turned into.

I know not exactly why this attractive and intelligent woman is quite so bitter. Ive only been able to piece together snippets of the scant personal information she has disclosed. I get the distinct impression her adoption was not as mine. I sense an envy there when she mentions feuds and fall outs amongst her family.

The dust settled and she proceeds with her application to emigrate. Partly I think as apparently EVERYONE at work hates her, EVERY single person there is an out and out rascist and out to get her. Oz of course is the least racsist country by a Trump mile..ffs

Her being passed over for promotion is if course because they are rascist..not at all to do with her inability to manage people because she rubs them up the wrong way. Of course not. Ha!

So after some weeks of me putting my size 8 foot in my mouth I resigned to the fact me and this genetic match we’re just too different and she was bloody hard work.

We exchanged several bitchy what’s app messages…resulting in her blocking me..which was surprisingly gratifying..However, and proof positive the girl is two sarnies short of a picnic, she then emails me to tell me I’m blocked and urge me not to contact her again! lol 😂..Who does that?? Pure twatism is what that is..

So now I’m game ..nothing to lose as frankly I’m having the last word…I tell her to run along, pack her bags but be sure to weigh them before heading to the airport. I warned her the weight baggage allowance might not be sufficient if she carried the chip on her shoulder in her hold baggage…she didn’t like that and bit back with some convoluted explanation as to why I was needy in wanting a relationship with our BM, unlike her who sought her out of simple curiosity.

You can imagine my response….need I say more?

Anyway , this leads me neatly onto tell you that not all of my newly discovered siblings share this genetic makeup…As it happens in total I am one of a possible 14 or so beautiful bonkers human beings..Yep you read that right..slowly getting my head around it I have already a close bond to two younger sisters amd are soon to meet more

To be able to say “my sisters” and know they see me as their “big sister”is amazing , surreal but definitely amazing…more of that in due course!

For now I’ve promised you a few reviews and the next one will be from one of my newly discovered sister’s..

Good night for now ,this Black Sheep is off to count siblings!!

Lots of Love

Black Sheep x

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