I realise I can be no one else but myself. I look how I do. I feel as I do and I speak as I feel. It’s not good enough though. I have no right to those simple things . I don’t toe the line. Good! I don’t intend to any longer.
I have multiple colours in my hair, apparently my dear old dad would have disapproved. He never said. I wear what suits my menopausal shape.My mother desperately disapproves of ripped jeans,so.they are my outfit of choice when and if I drag my sorry arse to visit her.
The last time I visited the family home was in the hope of receiving to some (mis) guidance and much needed motherly support and comfort. It didn’t work out that way. Why do I never fucking learn.? No matter how many hours of therapy suggest I’m wasting my time and energy ,my inner child still seeks that acknowledgement that she is the mother I’d hoped for. The mother I deserved . The mother she isn’t capable of being.
I arrive with arms full of belated gifts for Mother’s Day. Yes I know she can’t ever accept gifts with grace but I still hope. She takes with few words. We sit with a cup of tea.She asks how I am, knowing things are generally shit. I am already weakened by my emotions yet say I am fine as I always do
She had a coffee morning with her friends that day and one participant hates me with a passion..even told my mother’s neighbour as much..nice hey!
Imagine the topic of conversation was the situation affecting politician D Abbott as she launches at me with “You called me Racist to my face and it was very upsetting!!”
From nowhere she’s on the attack
Im defensive but calm. I explain there is a difference between being called a Racist and being told something you say is racist. She argued that point. I explain that if a black person takes something said as racist it’s racist and not open for debate. Every example of things she’s said are dismissed of course but I stand my ground. My own mother by adoption has raised a black child with deep seated racism at her core . I’m sad for her. It must have and must be agony feeling as she does yet playing the white saviour card for her to be able to function amongst her upper class friends. The token ethnic ,her daughter at the golf club is black with scarlet braids.The shame .But look what she did…rescued her from a life of poverty.and worse…
“I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook or the ovation
It’s my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it’s not a place I have to hide in
Life’s not worth a damn
‘Til you can say, I am what I am”
Thanks to Gloria Gaynor I can sing it from the rafters! I’m sure you sang along too…
I met a guy locally some time ago and may have mentioned him in the past. Came across his photo in my memories recently and he made me smile again..I had stopped for a chat and asked him how he was treated due to his chosen look. He said to me that he just didn’t care . I got it but pressed on. I’d said was his life fulfilled knowing a large chunk of society would judge him for his appearance and paint a picture of him in a negative way. Again he said he didn’t care. Asked him what made him go as far as he did with his look. Again he didn’t care and said he was happy in his skin
I am finally getting there…being around my own biology and feeling their acceptance I can also say , I don’t care! I am not answerable to anyone . I don’t fit everywhere, but that doesn’t matter. But I do fit where I belong. My biology is home and that’s safety for me. I have stopped trying to fit onto a square hole. Accept me or don’t. Your choice.
Its fair to say I’ve not felt much like writing for some time. Taken quite an emotional down turn and am pulling myself out of it.
A new member of my bio is soon to enter this world and that is massive for me. More than ever I feel like I need to move onwards and upwards for this little one’s sake. My future is exciting and not as expected but it all takes time. Time to evolve and grow into a new life unfolding .
I will take you on this journey in time and hope you’ll bear with me and my sporadic ramblings when I do fnd time…..
I am who I am,,I need no excuses 🙏🏾
For now goodnight from me and my new friend
Sweet Dreams
Black Sheep xxx
Black Sheep Sweet Dreams 
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