Am I complete?

After a manic weekend of fun and family, I am now reflecting on many aspects of my life that make me the person I am today. Having developed a strong solid connection with my long lost half sister, a bond even both of us are amazed is so deep so quickly. It is exactly as if we knew each other many years ago and have just been out of touch for a short while. We have added a new dimension to both of our lives and I marvel at how easy we have clicked into a place neither of us would ever want to leave. It is as my BM said when I explained our closeness to her ‘ Well Love you did share the same womb so you are bound to feel akin’ Yes she is quite right, although over 40 years apart, we did in fact share that same warm sacred space that fed us both for 9 months, kept us warm, safe and nourished. Perhaps the shared DNA and the lifeblood we shared is now proven to be what sustains us today. Every day we grow closer and everyday find yet another thing we have in common.

Daily throughout every day we chat merrily and easily as though chatting face to face and we go to sleep smiling at the memory of a shared joke or teasing of each other. As easy as you like we accept we are new best friends.

Life is complete in terms of the missing pieces to the jigsaw of my history..or at least as complete as I need or want it to be. For the whole journey of our existence we seek answers as an adoptee…it may be as simple as Where the hell did I get this thick hair? or why do I tilt my head to one side if asked to smile for a photo. And then you meet your half sister or your BM or even a male sharing your gene pool and the answer screams in your face. THERE, that’s where I got that. And yes my half sister tilts her head exactly the same way. And she has a good head of hair. And my Full brother has my eyes and my BM has my chin. It all just fits. Like a Rubiks cube, you cant guarantee to get the combination of colours right but you know damn well every cube fits every other cube.

I am true to myself and rarely look at life through totally rose tinted glasses but I do like to focus on the positive and hope my friends know they get what they see. Ask my opinion and boy your’e gonna get it. Don’t want it? Don’t ask me!!  A problem shared and all that.

Which brings me to my two Mothers. I realised recently that although we hit a tricky patch and to be fair we are both difficult to tame, I really love my mother. This has always been the case and is of course not news to me. It has however  been tested over the years but I do feel tests are what make me stronger and more tolerant as I get older. Emotionally we are very different but feel very much in the same way. How we differ is how we express that emotion . I am an open book….yes I know you already know that, hence this blog but I mean in a way that is self healing, cathartic and allows me to vent in a constructive way…and amuse you lovely readers at the same time ….so its a win win. How I offload to you and those closest to me actually gives them an outlet to do the same with me. I have amazing friends and it works as a two way street. They do say who needs a counseller when you have empathetic friends? You dont, as you are with sisters (or brothers) with a shared interest in making each other feel better when life is shitty

My Mother is more likely to carry her pain close to her chest as is her generations way. However , and I am proud to say that despite the upset of getting to this place I do believe I have drawn her out to become a more open character and more in touch with her emotions. When we discuss issues (not about adoption at the moment) we are more inclined to debate and not argue. I do think we are healing and I also know having found my half sister has made me much more accepting of my Mothers need to shroud herself with doubts.

My BM has similar self doubt but is more inclined to be open like myself and that is again nature over nuture. I realise both of these women have shaped me to create me (a monster ?Ha!) I am who I am , I make no excuses…and I know its a cliche but its true. I gave up trying to fit into a mould for anyone else and now love those around me and those who know me well appreciate they get what they ask for!

My children have grown into fine lovely human beings and I couldnt be more proud of them..The next chapter in my life is going to be HUGE and with their support I cant contain my pride and excitement…but I will and you will just have to wait!

As a sunworshipper and clearly NOT genetically predisposed to snow or anything cold, I love Autumn, almost as much as Summer…. if wrapped up warm. I cant get enough of the vibrant colours of the leaves as they turn. The crisp bright mornings and fresh breeze through my window at night. I love the smell in the air of bonfires and the late night fireworks. Tonight holding a sparkler , twisting and turning the trailing light to write words in the air…the smell of the burning steel and the sparks flying into the air like fireflies. Immediately I was taken back over 30 years.

To a time of great joy by a bonfire in our Northern city hometown. All standing with sparklers breathing in the smells of fresh sweet Parkin, homemade treacle toffee  and potatoes baking in foil in the embers of the bonfire. Nostalgia hit me like a slap

My parents laughing with friends and sipping hot, spicy mulled wine from flasks. The kind of flasks in bright tartan and stripes. I was that small 6 year old girl flanked by my big brothers in fur hooded parka coats, yelling at each other over my head as they tried to be heard over the chatter and impromtu fireside songs. Just in that 5 minutes with a sparkler I relived a time where I had no more to care  about other than whether or not I could have another sparkler. Toastie warm in my bobble hat and mittens I knew I was loved. Knew I was included in the bosom of my family and no one ever saw me as anything other than my parents daughter, my brothers little sister and a person in my own right.

I remembered too how my extended family accepted me in exactly the same way. A distant cousin told me a few years ago how when word went around the family ( which is huge by the way) that the buzz of excitement was palpable . She told me her immediate family talked about little else for weeks and couldnt wait to be introduced. I felt a little embarrassed at the suggestion I was that important? But the reality was I was a new baby and everyone loves new babies however they come about and that was what I was bringing to the party! Now I stood with my sparkler as a 40 something woman beside my little girl and for that moment we were no different from each other. Her memory of that moment was being made there and then….mine was being relived.

I guess what I am saying is treasure those around you as things change so quickly. The cruelty and nastiness we read about constantly could make us all retreat into our shells and hide away. World leaders squabble and bitch at each other. Predators surf the internet preying on our children’s innocence and we have to shield them and ourselves constantly. The world has become a dark and dangerous place in my lifetime…BUT set that aside and remember that in almost the blink of an eye, what was there yesterday is gone by tomorrow. Be aware, keep your eyes, ears and heart open to all that you hold dear as one day it has vanished.

As I said at the start, I have come to realise two women shaped me and two women will have my love and support without question….I came across this poem , I didnt write it myself but cried tonight when I read it. It says exactly what I want to say but cant …I hope you like it…

A Legacy of Two Mothers: Unconditional Love

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One, my darling, is your birth mom and the other is your mother.

Two different lives, shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star; the other became your sun.

The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live it

The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.

One chose adoption. It was all that she could do.

The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,

The age-old question through the years;

Heredity or environment, which are you the product of?

Neither, my darling, neither. Just two different kinds of love.

~ Author Unknown ~


Thanks for reading, Much love

Black Sheep

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