Happy Birthday Dad – an open letter to Mother Nature and Fate

On a day like today the sky should have been blue

The sun should have shone on me and on you

A stunning rainbow gave me hope in my heart

Made me think of my childhood, where loving you could start

You were shown this black baby, this bundle of joy

You didn’t care if I was a girl or a boy

The quote you repeat when asked if “I’d do.?” was

“Yes ,she’ll do fine….

If I’d known at the time I’d have said

“Oh Yes Please, do make this man be my Daddy of mine”

Such courage to take me in as your own…. Two wonderful people gave me love and a home

No doubt about it,you’d faced opposition

You didnt care and held your position

You were being my Daddy,no matter what!

You were my hero,my strength and my rock

I know it’s a cliche to be Daddies girl but I’m proud to be so, as you are my world

I could scream at Mother Nature who’s dealt this cruel hand

You’ve endured such pain and a struggle most couldn’t stand

So brave and so stoic ,my heart could break in two

For my Dad,once stood tall and proud this is true

No man on this Earth holds a candle to you

I see a tear roll down your face yet you are silent

I dab your cheek dry and wish I could vent

A Faraway look in your eyes, like you’re reliving the past

I want to scream ‘it’s not fair, time’s moving too fast”

You’ve drifted off to a world in your head

Let me join you, there’s so much to say, so much still unsaid

Dad, stay with me, I need you, I’m lost and I’m sad

My children adore you, their precious Grand- Dad

It’s your 80th birthday and you reached for my hand

Love in your eyes says “Please understand”

Not a single word needed, your eyes say it all

I feel like my life and the world is close to free-fall

“Be Happy my daughter, You know that I love you”

For both, in that moment history came into view

Like silent movie playing slow on a reel

I’m struggling to capture the way that I feel

There’s no greater love than daughter and dad

My heart yearns to relive the memories we had

That bitch Mother nature, she stole from us all…my dad never hurt you yet you made him fall

He’s loving and gentle and you fucked him over

Your cruel fingers, spiteful ways have dealt him this blow

To give him disease was the lowest of low

Never blight the evil but strike in the decent

It’s not like he deserved it, neither past or recent

He once asked my Mother the saddest of plea

He asked her without irony, he asked her “Why Me?”

I so wish I could answer with logic, it’s true

But honestly there’s no reason why it should have been You

Of all those I know who deserve good health

Your the one! The one who has a wealth

A wealth of poise, honour and finesse

An intellect with integrity, generous and pure

If Mother Nature knew you, she’d have spared you, I’m sure

If she knew you, my Dad, you’d be still walking tall

But she showed no mercy, my Dad, this great man

I’ll never forgive her, for taking the best of my Dad

The Dad who chose to give me the great life that I’ve had

Selfless and giving he took nothing he’d not earned

She owes him the years of health and adventure he’d yearned

I’ll always struggle to accept the cruelness of fate.

Another bitch I’m going to be happy to hate

I’m angry with what I see as two selfish bitches

Mother Nature and Fate are no better than witches

My Dad is my world and deserved so much more

He’s suffering ,lost dignity and has soreness to endure

At 80 he should be fit and able

Not a shell of himself!! Silent, disabled

It’s just so unfair, I’m angry and sad

But no matter what, I love him, he’s my Dad.

Happy Birthday Dad, My love always

Black Sheep xxx

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Sibling Rivalry

Before I proceed with the process of adding to my lovely family I want to give some thought to a subject touched on before. Remember my growing relationship with a half sibling sister on my Birth Mother’s side.? Well things progressed…..

Someone who shares the same genetic makeup is not necessarily going to fit your ideal just because you share blood lines.

Taking you back….I’d found this sibling way back in my search for BM. Of course unbeknown to me, she had also been given up for adoption. Therefore she too had a name change. Fortunately really because she did have a fairly shite name!;-)

Anyway, I had always maintained I had no interest in finding anyone other than my BM. My Mum told me this was hopefully naive as baggage would drag along with her. Of course she was right but I remained resolute in my decision. Even armed (not dangerous) with the name and postal address of this half sister I sat on it for over 3 years before making contact. My Birth Mother of course prayed regularly for us to reunite but I wouldn’t until the time felt right.

I already knew who and where she worked. I had her in my LinkedIn…well why not? And as you know because we share a similar work life..well loosely. So I obviously had the advantage. Now she had once already shyed away from our fledgling friendship for fear of getting too close. She claimed she was unable to sustain a friendship by WhatsApp but felt she did want to meet me. Perhaps I could write her news in a handwritten letter. Perhaps she could kiss my arse? I’m a wife with kids , work, juggling aging parents…( Not literally you understand, that would just be silly and not practical)

What am I?? 80 with access to a feathered quill? Sod off…..

In reality I should have listened to my gut and stepped away from the woman at this point….but I left the lines of communication open and didn’t block her. Her constant need to tell me all about her awful work life and how her friends behaved badly to her was beginning to wear me down. She regularly fantasized about men in the public eye so would reach out for me to agree that so-&-so was hot blah blah..when invariably they were lucky if they were lukewarm.

I think from now I will refer to her without affection as BFF (Bonkers Fruit Loop Frenemy)..see what I did there?😂

So BFF went quiet around Christmas 2015 ,just before our trip when we decided to pursue adoption. To reiterate a quote ” she couldn’t sustain a friendship on WhatsApp”. Despite this we mutually agreed not to meet even though she felt her application to migrate to Oz may happen the next Spring.

I was fine with this as although lost money in train fair I knew she was unhinged.

Sadly as time and bickering went on,it became clear we literally only shared DNA…which should in this case stand for DO NOT APPROACH! Her self loathing and hatred if her past,her present and all who encountered her was only marginally less than her hatred it seemed of yours truly . And certainly of our Birth Mother. The Dear John she had send in the not too distant past still had left a black cloud over our BM and I don’t think she was aware that I knew about it.I was sure she had no clue the damage it had done,nor did she give a shit!

I digress……

Her suspicion and paranoid reaction to everything was draining. If there was even the most miniscule chance to find a negative slant on a comment she would find it….You see,if you agreed with her you were fine..if not you were on a sticky wicket and would feel her wrath. She had a nasty tongue in that head I tell you. I’m not one for proof reading a text if written from the hip. Jeez, I struggle to proof read this blog!!!

I make no apology for saying it as I see it, never have…. so I was damned if I was going to start now with a complete stranger. Nope!

For example on one occasion we chatted about her neice who was saying she didn’t feel she could visit her in Oz next year if indeed she had moved by then. She told me she couldn’t believe how ungrateful that was. A free holiday.

On closer inspection said Free Holiday was accommodation only so not free at all…did she not see that a month off a job and a flight to Oz wasn’t a easy ask for someone in their early 20’s on a standard wage. I managed to bite my tongue for a while as she railed against her neice and her lack of support for HER and her lack of excitement about a trip down under (albeit self-funded).

Eventually I venture tentatively with “Maybe it’s not a dream of hers to visit Oz, it’s not for everyone and it’s a hell of a long way for a jolly!?” ..trying to keep it light.

BFF replies “Well it’s an amazing place I don’t understand her attitude”

Well now I bit.”I get it though, it doesn’t make her a bad person because she’s not up for it..It’s a major undertaking to travel to bottom of the globe..basically the other side of the world and take all that time off…I don’t see gratitude coming into it at all…”

Well….you’d think I had just murdered her neice, shaved her head and stuck it in a freaking spike…the reaction I got for trying to reason was thus…

BFF “I never said she was a bad person, I’ll thank you to keep you opinions on my niece to yourself. I was merely mentioning that I had generously invited her to visit and she declined …how dare you insinuate that she is a bad person!!?

What the actual f…? What did I say?

So you get the gist..treading carefully with such a volatile personality was very tiring and left me often second guessing and re writing text over and over until it said nothing at all that could be misconstrued. That’s NOT easy and isn’t how I roll….Her expectation was that I would agree with everything and be her Yes person at the end of the line.

Er Nope…I’m not that person, never was, so I am confused as to how or why she thinks this would ever work out between us.

In fairness it wasn’t working out at all and I think her aim was to keep me on elastic..pull me in and let me bounce away again,like a bobbing balloon seeping it’s helium …what am I supposed to do with that sort of person?…step away is what…

We moved on and I was left smarting and hurt by the fact she was clearly determined to misunderstand me at every turn.

In my life I have learned that people are often challenging and people can change… close friends may become too comfortable in a friendship to the point where they know so much about you they use what they know to wound you if given the chance. Someone I believed always had my back did exactly that. She knows who she is but only she knows why she turned. We went back many years and shared breakups, marriages, holidays and birthday celebrations. She was a sister by another mother and we even referred to each other as Sisters. Lessons we’re learned ,guard went up as she showed an aura that was very unpleasant. At that point when someone who you trust with the lives of your children turns on you unexpectedly and with no explanation you have to step away. In the words of multicolored haired Cyndi Lauper, her True Colours came shining through….

I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. You think you know a person then realise you don’t actually want to share important stuff with them as you no longer trust them or their opinions. It’s a strange thing. In that particular case I consider myself well rid and steer clear as really not worth my energy.

In the case of BFF we didn’t have the luxury of such history. Therefore she was on a three strikes and your out as far as I was concerned.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t discuss her with my BM or vise versa and managed to keep to this for some time. Eventually of course I could no longer afford BFF that courtesy.

Partly to warn BM what a nut job her other adopted daughter has turned into.

I have no idea exactly why this attractive and intelligent woman is quite so bitter. Ive only been able to piece together snippets of the scant personal information she has disclosed. I get the distinct impression her adoption was not as mine. I sense an envy there when she mentions feuds and fall outs amongst her family.

The dust settled and she proceeds with her application to emigrate. Partly I think as apparently EVERYONE at work hates her, EVERY single person there is an out and out racist and out to get her. Oz of course is the least racist country by a Trump mile.yeah right…..ffs!

Her being passed over for promotion is if course because they are racist..not at all to do with her inability to manage people because she rubs them up the wrong way. Of course not. Ha!

So after some weeks of me putting my size 8 foot in my mouth I resigned to the fact that me and this genetic match were just too different and she was bloody hard work.

We exchanged several bitchy whatsapp messages…resulting in her blocking me..which was surprisingly gratifying..However, and proof positive the girl is two sarnies short of a picnic, she then emails me to tell me I’m blocked and urge me not to contact her again! lol 😂..Who does that?? Pure twatism is what that is..

So now its game on ..nothing to lose as frankly I’m having the last word…I tell her to run along, pack her bags but be sure to weigh them before heading to the airport. I warned her the weight baggage allowance might not be sufficient if she carried the chip on her shoulder in her hold baggage…she didn’t like that and bit back with some convoluted explanation as to why I was needy in wanting a relationship with our BM, unlike her who sought her out of simple curiosity.

You can imagine my response….need I say more?

Anyway , this leads me neatly onto tell you that not all of my newly discovered siblings share this genetic makeup…As it happens in total I am one of a possible 14 or so beautiful, bonkers human beings..Yep you read that right..slowly getting my head around it I have already a close bond to two younger sisters and I’m excited to soon be meeting more long lost siblings.

To be able to say “my sisters” and know they see me as their “big sister”is amazing , surreal but definitely amazing…more of that in due course!

For now I’ve promised you a few reviews and the next one will be from one of my newly discovered sister’s..

Good night for now ,this Black Sheep is off to count siblings!!

Lots of Love

Black Sheep x

PS. you might like to refer to a post from when I first discovered the siblings on my BM side here

https://blacksheepsweetdreams.me/2016/03/16/my-journey-siblings-unknown/

Sibling Rivalry revisited

Before I proceed with the process of adding to my lovely family I want to give some thought to a subject touched on before. Remember my growing relationship with a half sibling sister on my Birth Mother’s side.? Well things progressed…..

Someone who shares the same genetic makeup is not necessarily going to fit your ideal just because you share blood lines.

Taking you back….I’d found this sibling way back in my search for BM. Of course unbeknown to me, she had also been given up for adoption. Therefore she too had a name change. Fortunately really because she did have a fairly shite name!;-)

Anyway, I had always maintained I had no interest in finding anyone other than my BM. My Mum told me this was hopefully naive as baggage would drag along with her. Of course she was right but I remained resolute in my decision. Even armed (not dangerous) with the name and postal address of this half sister I sat on it for over 3 years before making contact. My Birth Mother of course prayed regularly for us to reunite but I wouldn’t until the time felt right.

I already knew who and where she worked. I had her in my LinkedIn…well why not? And as you know because we share a similar work life..well loosely. So I obviously had the advantage. Now she had once already shyed away from our fledgling friendship for fear of getting too close. She claimed she was unable to sustain a friendship by WhatsApp but felt she did want to meet me. Perhaps I could write her news in a handwritten letter. Perhaps she could kiss my arse? I’m a wife with kids , work, juggling aging parents…( Not literally you understand, that would just be silly and not practical)

What am I?? 80 with access to a feathered quill? Sod off…..

In reality I should have listened to my gut and stepped away from the woman at this point….but I left the lines of communication open and didn’t block her. Her constant need to tell me all about her aweful work life and how her friends behaved badly to her was beginning to wear me down. She regularly fantasized about men in the public eye so would reach out for me to agree that so-&-so was hot blah blah..when invariably they were lucky if they were lukewarm.

I think from now I will refer to her without affection as BFF (Bonkers Fruitloop Frenemy)..see what I did there?😂

So BFF went quiet around Christmas 2015 ,just before our trip when we decided to pursue adoption. To reiterate a quote ” she couldn’t sustain a friendship on WhatsApp”. Despite this we mutually agreed not to meet even though she felt her application to migrate to Oz may happen the next Spring.

I was fine with this as although lost money in train fair I knew she was unhinged.

Sadly as time and bickering went on,it became clear we literally only shared DNA…which should in this case stand for DO NOT APPROACH! Her self loathing and hatred if her past,her present and all who encountered her was only marginally less than her hatred it seemed of yours truly . And certainly of our Birth Mother. The Dear John she had send in the not too distant past still had left a black cloud over our BM and I don’t think she was aware that I knew about it.I was sure she had no clue the damage it had done,nor did she give a shit!

I digress……

Her suspicion and paranoid reaction to everything was draining. If there was even the most miniscule chance to find a negative slant on a comment she would find it….You see,if you agreed with her you were fine..if not you were on a sticky wicket and would feel her wrath. She had a nasty tongue in that head I tell you. I’m not one for proof reading a text if written from the hip. Jeez, I struggle to proof read this blog!!!

I make no apology for saying it as I see it, never have…. so I was damned if I was going to start now with a complete stranger. Nope!

For example on one occasion we chatted about her neice who was saying she didn’t feel she could visit her in Oz next year if indeed she had moved by then. She told me she couldn’t believe how ungrateful that was. A free holiday.

On closer inspection said Free Holiday was accommodation only so not free at all…did she not see that a month off a job and a flight to Oz wasn’t a easy ask for someone in their early 20’s on a standard wage. I managed to bite my tongue for a while as she railed against her neice’s lack of support for HER and her lack of excitement about a trip down under (albeit self-funded).

Eventually I venture tentatively with “Maybe it’s not a dream of hers to visit Oz, it’s not for everyone and it’s a hell of a long way for a jolly!?” ..trying to keep it light.

BFF replies “Well it’s an amazing place I don’t understand her attitude”

Well now I bit.”I get it though, it doesn’t make her a bad person because she’s not up for it..It’s a major undertaking to travel to bottom of the globe..basically the other side of the world and take all that time off…I don’t see gratitude coming into it at all…”

Well….you’d think I had just murdered her neice, shaved her head and stuck it in a freaking spike…the reaction I got for trying to reason was thus…

BFF “I never said she was a bad person, I’ll thank you to keep you opinions on my niece to yourself. I was merely mentioning that I had generously invited her to visit and she declined …how dare you insinuate that she is a bad person!!?

What th actual f…? What did I say?

So you get the gist..treading carefully with such a volatile personality was very tiring and left me often second guessing and re writing text over and over until it said nothing at all that could be misconstrued. Thats NOT easy and isn’t how I roll….Her expectation was that I would agree with everything and be her Yes person at the end of the line.

Er Nope…I’m not that person, never was, so am confused as to how or why she thinks this would ever work out between us.

In fairness it wasn’t working out at all and I think her aim was to keep me on elastic..pull me in and let me bounce away again,like a bobbing balloon seeping it’s helium …what am I supposed to do with that sort of person?…step away is what…

We moved on and I was left smarting and hurt by the fact she was clearly determined to misunderstand me at every turn.

In my life I have learned that people are often challenging and people can change… close friends may become too comfortable in a friendship to the point where they know so much about you they use what they know to wound you if given the chance. Someone I believed always had my back did exactly that. She knows who she is but only she knows why she turned. We went back many years and shared breakups, marriages, holidays and birthday celebrations. She was a sister by another mother and we even referred to each other as Sisters. Lessons we’re learned ,guard went up as she showed an aura that was very unpleasant. At that point when someone who you trust with the lives of your children turns on you unexpectedly and with no explanation you have to step away. In the words of multicolored haired Cyndi Lauper, her True Colours came shining through….

I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. You think you know a person then realise you don’t actually want to share important stuff with them as you no longer trust them or their opinions. It’s a strange thing. In that particular case I consider myself well rid and steer clear as really not worth my energy.

In the case of BFF we didn’t have the luxury of such history. Therefore she was on a three strikes and your out as far as I was concerned.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t discuss her with my BM or vise versa and managed to keep to this for some time. Eventually of course I could no longer afford BFF that privilage.

Partly to warn BM what a nutjob her other adopted daughter has turned into.

I know not exactly why this attractive and intelligent woman is quite so bitter. Ive only been able to piece together snippets of the scant personal information she has disclosed. I get the distinct impression her adoption was not as mine. I sense an envy there when she mentions feuds and fall outs amongst her family.

The dust settled and she proceeds with her application to emigrate. Partly I think as apparently EVERYONE at work hates her, EVERY single person there is an out and out rascist and out to get her. Oz of course is the least racsist country by a Trump mile..ffs

Her being passed over for promotion is if course because they are rascist..not at all to do with her inability to manage people because she rubs them up the wrong way. Of course not. Ha!

So after some weeks of me putting my size 8 foot in my mouth I resigned to the fact me and this genetic match we’re just too different and she was bloody hard work.

We exchanged several bitchy what’s app messages…resulting in her blocking me..which was surprisingly gratifying..However, and proof positive the girl is two sarnies short of a picnic, she then emails me to tell me I’m blocked and urge me not to contact her again! lol 😂..Who does that?? Pure twatism is what that is..

So now I’m game ..nothing to lose as frankly I’m having the last word…I tell her to run along, pack her bags but be sure to weigh them before heading to the airport. I warned her the weight baggage allowance might not be sufficient if she carried the chip on her shoulder in her hold baggage…she didn’t like that and bit back with some convoluted explanation as to why I was needy in wanting a relationship with our BM, unlike her who sought her out of simple curiosity.

You can imagine my response….need I say more?

Anyway , this leads me neatly onto tell you that not all of my newly discovered siblings share this genetic makeup…As it happens in total I am one of a possible 14 or so beautiful bonkers human beings..Yep you read that right..slowly getting my head around it I have already a close bond to two younger sisters amd are soon to meet more

To be able to say “my sisters” and know they see me as their “big sister”is amazing , surreal but definitely amazing…more of that in due course!

For now I’ve promised you a few reviews and the next one will be from one of my newly discovered sister’s..

Good night for now ,this Black Sheep is off to count siblings!!

Lots of Love

Black Sheep x

Black Sheep Sweet Dreams- A Review Part 1

Since my journey was published, so much has happened in the world of Black Sheep, so much more to tell you and sadly so little time in order to share….however over the next few posts I want to share with you the thoughts and opinions of others when they’ve given feedback on my book…warts n all 😊

“Black sheep critique”

Language was originally based on speech. Printing revolutionised language, and today digital communication is repeating the revolution, producing works like this book. ‘Black Sheep’ is a blogger, and her book is an eye-opening exercise in heart-to-heart digital conversation. It tells us about the author and her medium as well as about her experiences, and it does it in her own chatty words, straight from the heart.
This sheep is shorn of all the self-censorship of the literary tradition, unorthodox in spelling, grammar and syntax. And why not? Often breathless and self-revelatory, the book has an immediate emotional impact which truly offers that over-used epithet, ‘authenticity’. Critics speak of the ‘voice’ of an author, here we are truly listening to a voice, a single, personal, sympathetic, often profane, always sincere voice, which grabs us by the lapels and tell us its tale. It isn’t an Ancient Mariner, though, delaying us when we would far rather be moving on; you are almost certain to sit down willingly to listen to this urgent story.
This is not literature, though another writer could well have dramatized it as a novel. It is a document of raw data, not an analysis. We are invited to experience and feel with the author, but with such directness that we can form relationships with her as well as with those she interacts with. Bone-crushingly frank and often painful, in a fictional story one could put the book down to emerge with relief into the comfort of real life, but this is real life; it is continuing to bring pain and joy as one reads, and will unroll into an unknowable future.
The author was adopted as a baby and has had a happy and successful life. The story builds upon this, but tells of the process and consequences of a search, in adult life, for the birth mother. At the centre is the challenge of coming to know and relate to both one’s nurturing mother and one’s birth mother. The roles are so crucially different that any attempt to fit them in a single picture must fail. How can a compromise be achieved? Contradictions of history, of attitude, of culture are intrinsic to the situation. But to say there are cultural gulfs invites a superficial mental stereotyping, based on a single conventional category such as colour, class or nationality. That would be far from reality; the situations of a family in which a child cannot be brought up and a family which adopts a child to bring it up are bound to be fundamentally different. Any two families have different ways, as all couples have to learn when they get together. In this case the social settings are contrasted in the most sensitive and potentially painful arena: how do my mothers and I love one another? It has taken a remarkably sensitive eye and a strikingly articulate voice to give us this account. It is a document with more poignancy than any fiction.
There are practical problems with this ‘book’ which is part confession, part justification, and part guidebook. It opens with three short chapters explaining how to trace one’s Birth Mother, in a cool, personable, practical tone, then plunges into the emotional white-water ride. The initial section is so different I would be inclined to separate it, to explain in an introduction why it is between the same covers, and ideally to place it in an appendix to the story. If the reader still wants to tread this path, the down-to-earth tips can be followed; but it seems wise to let people decide whether to make the journey before giving them the map. Not everyone will be so strong.

Richard Pearce, 22-5-2018

Email removed due to my learned friend being spammed by this guy

jasonburke@webmarketingvendors.com

NOT COOL AT ALL…don’t use my blog as a vehicle to spam.for business…it’s not like I come on your blog/website and tell you it needs a revamp.. SHOW SOME RESPECT 😚 Maybe imagine how it would be if all.my readers now spammed your inbox????

Thanks for reading, Black Sheep xxx

spoonie-mama.com/

Attempting to survive the two tiny humans I created with humor, honesty, and weekly therapy sessions.

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