I Miss You Dad

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A year ago today you took your last breath,  

I’m guessing they call it “a peaceful death”

Activity, noise and faces in those last few days

Yet felt like any other day in so many ways

I’d arrive, make the tea

Sit beside you and chat

Fill the air with banal nonsense

About this, about that

More visitors than in the previous 2 years

We had to accept a future ending in tears

The quiet broken by the morphine pump bleep

Unaware as you drift in and out of your sleep

Oddly comforting as it meant no more pain

Surely it’s wrong to see the sunshine, not rain

Your breath is shallow and your eyes slightly open

I convinced myself you heard every word that was spoken

We told you we loved you, I placed flowers near your head

I have no regrets; every word had been said

I remember the whole week, yet every day  I’d feel dread

District Nurses, the Hospice, faithful carers by your bed

Everyone waiting and holding their breath

There’s nothing harder than waiting for death

Not something you wish for but know it’s the end

They say time heals, that broken hearts mend

Surreal to be witness to the end of your life

My brother and I supporting your wife

Your strength was unfailing, as was your will

Life carried on while it seemed to stand still

whilst my heart broke and tears stung my eyes

your soul was released and took to the skies

The last time I saw you, your face wasn’t you,

so gaunt and withdrawn, your smile wasn’t there

No longer my Daddy, a shell of yourself

I just couldn’t bear to see more of you leave

I kissed you goodbye and started to grieve

Thank goodness for photos of your heart-stopping grin

The one person who had faith, encouraged me to win

“Parkinson’s mask”, they say takes a man’s smile,

Well, it only took yours for a very short while

Your smile was too powerful, your will was too strong

So much it did take but you still battled on

Disease took so much, your dreams, so much hope

You amazed us, with your courage, ability to cope

You fought 15 years, from diagnosis to the end

Such dignity, so stoic, your glass  still half full

An honour to call you my Hero, my Dad

If I have half of your courage, I’d be grateful and glad

You battled on, no word of complaint, your soul held on strong

Letting go was hard but relief for you can’t be wrong

I know when you’re near me, see signs you’re close by

A robin, a butterfly or words in a song

You pop into my head

I’ll see your face in a cloud

You’ve got my back, on my side

I acknowledge you out loud

I know it was time, you couldn’t take anymore

With pain and discomfort, and everything sore

Rest easy my hero and stay by my side

From the day that you chose me, to the day that you died

Until together again, you’ll stay safe in my heart

Keep guiding and smiling down from above

Raise your face to the sunshine, I’ll hold my head up high

Despite my best efforts I can’t help but cry

I know that you hear me when I say “Love you Dad”

I keep myself busy, to avoid feeling sad

You can see me touch your photo and then sigh

You wrap arms around me when I break down and cry

You meant everything to me and so much more

Your strength and wisdom, so easy to adore

I miss you, can’t believe a year has flown by

Treasured memories, but I knew that you’d die

Taking comfort, you’re rested and healed up above

I will live my life and still feel your love

One day we’ll hug again and not be apart

Rest easy my hero, forever in my heart

Love and Miss you Dad xxx

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Mother’s Day Looming

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As we get nearer to Hallmarks favourite occasion, We see many social media posts on Mother’s Day that rip the guts from an adoptee..if only it were so neat to wrap up a mother’s love in a pretty pink bow…I don’t apologize for “not everyone” statements as on Twitter they are jumped on…(like I care!?) But I press on anyway. What makes folk uncomfortable makes for enlightenment…so here goes…
I hate Mother’s Day as an adoptee, I love it as a mother to my children .Who doesn’t love chocolate? Shite like this fb post below hurts my heart .It painfully discounts those whose mother’s in all guises have never mothered unconditionally..those who want the world to embrace this perfect image of family bonds that should be naturally strong and not forced, or worse, for show… not everyone can feel that pull to their mother…that’s what breaks My heart…Until my biological family embraced and welcomed me unconditionally I didn’t know how fucked up my Adoptive upbringing had been…no expectations or emotional blackmail, just warmth and love .No payback for services rendered, just respect. No punishments, subtle or not so subtle for stepping out of the perfect socially accepted bubble…just love….my BM sends me daily prayers to covert me..I still love her as it’s from a place of pure love …my Admom manipulates and gaslights me whilst claiming it’s love. I’ve two mother’s yet none…

Its true that deep down I know I’m loved and love her. I’m hoping I can heal the deep seated wounds before it’s too late. I know I won’t get an apology and certainly cba to ask for one.. Narcissistic parenting is common but no less painful once it’s taken hold. If only I knew her past, her trauma, her loss . Maybe I could feel empathy for her. A closed book. When I bought my late father a journal for us to work on together , she was so jealous I bought her one too. My dads didn’t get far as he struggled to talk by that stage so I regret not getting it sooner.. I did learn about his love of school, his first best friend and his relationship with his siblings. My mother said she would probably tweak the questions to suit herself..in other words they were too sensitive to her, especially the question “Is there anything you would like to apologize for!?” Well that was expected but the reality no less hurtful.

im guilty of still needing to do same for my children…yet I have published my journey so they’ll have that one day. For Mother’s day all I need is my children’s love. I’m proud I’ve broken the cycle of mothering that she raised me and my adoptive siblings with.

Bizarrely many of my siblings have no clue about having a mother at all yet they make amazing mother’s themselves

I do love both my mothers. However, I don’t view either as my mother. One I love very deep down for doing her best even if left me damaged as an adult. The other I love on an animalistic level. She grew me inside her yet due to circumstances gave me away ..(I prefer “gave away” to “gave up”)

Let me explain the subtle difference

Gave Away. This suggests that for a child entering the world with an agreement to be adopted, it’s already decided they are to be given away to someone or something else..maybe one day to be reunited

Gave Up. I don’t believe a single birth mother on this planet willingly Gave up on their child. They hope for eventual reunification, hope the parting is temporary and that one day they would see that child again.

So I prefer the term Gave Away . It’s clearer and more real.

Still as heartbreaking but for the Birth mothers reality it’s closer to the truth…

And so for all that said, I wish both my Mothers a Happy Mother’s Day. But for me I’ll lay low and cuddle my amazing children ..

Thanks for reading …

Much Love, Black Sheep xxx

My Mothers

A Light in the Darkness

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It’s been an interesting start to 2022. Seeing a new Chapter of my life start without my beloved Dad, but life has to go on. Starting a new job , loving it and it’s for a Charity that helped Dad in the end stage of his life which makes me love it even more.

Schools went back then within days my girl gets bloody Covid19. Thank goodness had a jab as really poorly with it as it is. I do think anyone who is a Covid19 sceptic should see her right now as it’s really unpleasant

I’m hopeful I’ve made a breakthrough in how to communicate with my Mother ,and my brothers, without putting myself in harm’s way. I arranged a family zoom meeting yesterday which worked well..With both brothers there I felt less vulnerable for verbal attack and actually enjoyed the catch up. Maybe that’s the solution going forward. After an upsetting visit around my Birthday (Christmas) I struggled with how 2022 was going to look . Fingers crossed this could work as a Covid19 safe, Emotional safe , Anxiety free space for my adoptive family.

Since Dad died I’ve felt his approval for my distancing from my Mother’s behavior. “Hate the behavior not the person” right. His undeniable loyalty to her was amazing but I’m sure the face she showed him was rarely the face she shows the world . That makes me feel sad for him even now. And sad for her. It’s got to be exhausting showing yourself as someone you believe to be a better person that you feel inside. Yet he still adored her despite the likely control.

I recognize her fragility, her insecurity and her own sense of disappointment. I wish for her she could look inside and be true to herself. I’ve never stopped feeling the need to have her approval…her pride in me.. even just to feel genuine love for me as her child. Even if this is deep within her , it’s never been felt or shown . That will always hurt but I have to swallow it as it hurts only me, I realize that now. I’m working on that not mattering to me, it’s a work in progress..at great expense! I laugh with my Therapist that even my Counseling is about her!! I must be quite the cash cow as so many webs to unpick all in one person. He’s proud of how far I’ve come…from a daily weeper.. to a knowledge worker on all things Narcissist!! But he’s still a long way to go with this psyche. I’m yet to believe I’m worthy or good enough or even a valuable person in the world. Hopefully it will come. For now I’m just trying to figure out how to love myself as much as I love my family and friends .

If I could look down on my life from above, maybe where my Dad stands? I see life as offering such promise… opportunity to grow into another character for my book, whilst still being my best self. My family and treasured friends have held my hand throughout what now is my past life.

New hair…I’m reinventing myself…been braided for 20 years…now rocking my inner Chaka Khan with big bouncy curls. New Job.. albeit part time , after working from home over 20 years I am actually going out to work! Feels like I belong in a new world of my choosing. I’m loving it and still enjoy the work I do at home. I’m no longer just Mum, Wife, home maker, cleaner, cook, Uber!!? .. I have a valuable place in a role that gives back. A Charity that sees to it that end of life for people like Dad can pass away in pain free peace with the glow of love around them . I’m honoured I can do something worthwhile and love it at the same time. Feels meaningful. That’s what’s called a “Win Win” 😜

Anyway, while I continue to grieve my Dad, I know he is proud of me. Proud of who I am and how I conduct myself in life. I miss him so much but am happy he’s at peace and free of struggle, pain and despair. I’m certainly proud of him and for his memory I won’t turn my back on my Mother. That would have been the easy thing to do in reality. The more courageous thing is to set strong boundaries and manage our communication to protect myself and my family from upset.

She knows, as do all the people in my life, that finding my biological siblings has given me a place to really belong. Until I had them in my life I knew nothing of how a biological family would look. It’s easy, simple, honest. It’s comfortable, genuine and raw. I’m a big sister and a little sister …I feel loved, oddly admired and accepted like never before. They are all my world and I will never ever make apology for that. They are my family too.

So I continue to straddle the tightrope between my two worlds. That’s just how adopted life has to work.

On one side the family I adored who raised me to be who I was meant to be , yet as I see how different I am from them (not just physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually (they’re intellectual not me …I like to think I’m street wise and creative.. works for me anyway!) I realize I need to see myself as worthy, as a good person with a value in the world. I’m trying hard with help for that as still doubt it to be honest. Maybe 2022 will be my turning point?

On the other side of my taut strung tight rope is my biology. My BM who I love like a big sister, she will never be a Mother to me but is equally important. Also the huge tribe of siblings I now have in my life. Only in my world just 4 years yet as if for my whole life. Having known about me all their lives they reached out to find and embrace me. I feel the warmth of their love even in the 2 year gap of meeting due to COVID-19. After 2 years, meeting again was as if we are in each other’s lives daily. An hour long Happy Birthday call on my Birthday , then a Happy New Year video message. These meant so much to me, I cried. They don’t see it as a huge gift. For me it’s the world.

And so 2022 holds new promise. A year to reinvent myself , find a way through the past darkness that descends when least expected. I will navigate the two worlds whilst ensuring they never collide. I will continue to wear two hats, “Biological” and “Adopted”. It’s got to be safer on my mental health to keep these worlds separate, like parallel lines on a train track. Neither harming the other , both spared from the anxiety of trying to find a place in the other. Like a square peg in a round hole…never gonna fit.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you a poem I came across which sums up how my grief for Dad still hangs in my heart , like a black cloud that lifts then descends. I am sharing it here as I know in my head I could hear him saying these very worlds…

A light in the darkness
That’s what I wish to be
When you feel lost and all alone
Let me be the one light you can see

A light to illuminate a path
When you are feeling lost
To never, ever give up hope
No matter what the cost

A light to guide you from the dark
To a better place where you can see
The future is not completely lost
From your burdens you can be free

A light of peace and of hope
Of kindness, understanding and love
That you are important, yes you matter
Hold your head up, look up above

A light that gives you promise
That in your heart hope’s flame burns inside
Treasure all things that are good
Let my light become your guide

A light that in time you will take and share
With someone, who was just like you
Then you will be their beacon of hope
Just like my light has been for you

By
Stephen G schuller

Thanks for reading Sheepsters! 🤗

Much love Black Sheep xxx

Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad

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Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad

So you’ve already been gone 8 months, I still struggle to believe how even now

I expect to see you in your chair, like the air we breathe you were always there

A smile, a little wave was all you could muster, yet to me, it was an overwhelming gesture

I’ll know for my life you’re here in my heart, and the hearts of my children, you were there from the start

The earliest memories I have, branded on my soul, you in my world made sense, made me whole

I’d run through your legs with a giggle and grin, your laughter and warmth was a game we’d both win

How is it 8 months? Where has that time gone!? That’s half of a year, yet my grief rages on

Today it’s your birthday, you’d be 83, a life story of more courage could never be told

Your legacy lives on in the eyes of your children, my children and their children would honour your life

I’m feeling such sorrow right now for your wife. My mother, your partner in life and in love

I know you are watching her now from above. She misses you, your warmth.  you’ve left a huge hole

Your passing, our loss, the silence…it’s taking its toll

I’m grateful you’d found me, in a world so uncertain

You hung on in there, chose your own final curtain

I still can’t believe this chapter has ended

We know the old cliché, least said soonest mended

I will speak of you often, to my kids, in my head

It still feels surreal, you’re actually dead

I couldn’t change the outcome, the inevitable, your pain

They say to enjoy every rainbow, you must embrace the rain

I see you in rainbows, in robins, in a cloud

When I’m walking in woodland, I chat to you out loud

It’s a comfort, a privilege to remember your pride, your courage and patience, we know how you tried

The falls and the pain, yet you had a full glass

No half full for you, positive to the last

I hope where you are, you are healed, rested, calm

Watching us here, Gran and Grandad at your arm

Warm sunshine gives a glow to your face

Your easy smile, that glint in your eye, softly spoken, your charm

On the date of your birth, like an angel on earth

You were destined to live a true, meaningful life

You helped raise us, three children, had an adoring wife

Many who knew you were privileged to find

A genuine gentleman with the sharpest of mind

Your Friends, family, carers and all who met you

Would be touched by your gentle nature, always so kind

I know no one’s perfect, I’ll admit this is true,

But I totally worshipped the ground that you walked on

No one comes close, in my eyes, and I hope that you knew

My heart aches and I miss you, can’t accept that you’re gone

The day you were born ‘A Christmas Carol’, the film was released

A true Classic,  timeless seasonal feast

Ironic how the day I was born, I was named Carol, a Christmas Day baby

Then fate brought me to you as if written in stars

The future was ours, our bond grew and grew

My heart remains broken, I know you had to go

I carry you with me and really hope you know

Just how much I love you still and how I loved you then

Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad,

Until we meet again xx

Happy Birthday my Sister 🧡

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My sister’s birthday.

Before you found me I knew nothing of you. Not a clue
No idea I had a whole tribe waiting to embrace me. A gang of siblings trying desperately to trace me
I’m humbled to be held in such high esteem. To be welcomed so warmly was just such a dream.
Before” big Sister” I was always little Sis
Raised with two brothers who I’d never dismiss.
I’m now one of 12 and that’s at last count. The more siblings, the more love, the more history told
I’m in awe of the ease that my heart they all hold
It’s like no time has past yet we know it’s a life time. Time lost and forgotten, the future is ours.
History to learn and memories to share
I can’t tell you how much I love you, how much I care
On your Birthday after spending time in your glow
My heart is full of joy and I want you to know.
You searched and you found me and my life changed forever
I’m excited to know we’ve years of laughter live and light together.
Thank you Serena, you goddess,my sister
You’re a jewel in my crown, as is Nadine
Two beautiful sisters completing a dream.. I’m blessed by our bond, my life now enriched
We laugh till we cry , our Jaws ache from the smiles.
Our connection not weakened despite many miles
I’ll end by just saying, now I know I’m enough, I finally belong
Love you today, and forever and for however long

Happy Birthday xxx


Love Black Sheep

My sister is an amazing musician artist and I know by this time next year you will all know the name M9 Awakening. You heard it here first

https://instagram.com/m9awakening?utm_medium=copy_link

M9 Awakening

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