A book the SW highly recommend was in reference to the amphibian brain. It explains some of the likely behaviour your adopted child might display and explains why. I definitely suggest investing in this book as you can refer to it again and again
As a way of telling her her wish had come true and of course there is one for Big Brother available
I am also a big fan of Nicky Campbell so decided to give his book a try too…it was a bit long winded but as I’ve met him personally I found it interesting to imagine him reading in to me in his own voice!
I wished for You: An Adoption Story , by Marianne Richmond
Now onward with the questions I was asked…
Do you think that nature & nurture can have equal footing for children who are adopted? I am not adopted, however my cousin is & her & my Aunt are two peas in a pod, I guessing that’s maybe unusual?
I always believe nature and nurture are not exactly on an equal footing and can be identified as two distinct processes in raising a child. For example , if a child has trauma from a early life experience it is less likely to be as receptive to nurture in the first instance as a child from no trauma. My understanding of nurture is that it is about supporting a child’s needs surrounding it with love and ensuring protection from rejection and more trauma. Nature is not necessarily exclusively down to genetics but to upbringing through shared dynamics , only partly due to biology. For example;. My mother is often told how much I am like her , based on mannerisms and foibles and sense of humour etc yet this would be seen as a nature trait but it cant be as my genetics are opposite. Therefore we are alike due to habits I’ve learned via Nurture but differ due to ingrained genetic traits I came with from my BM. It might make more sense reading the chapter Nurture V Nature in my book.
Shared interests and knowledge will become common ground and hence your cousin is so alike her mother. My little man has been with us a year and is so like all of us humour, temperament etc and its adapting to environment that does that..cheeky as you like and even laughs at his own farts, exactly like his Daddy!!
A lot of the adoptees who I follow have felt their differences very keenly between themselves & their adoptive family & it’s been very upsetting for them. I wonder if it’s possible to help a child to feel those differences less somehow? Looking from both sides could you see a way to help do this or do you think the differences too great between the child/ren & the adoptive parent?
OK firstly I want to warn you that many of the adoptees you and I follow on Twitter have not opened their accounts to spread joy and cheer…they use the forums to vent and blame their lives decisions and outcomes on being adopted. I’m not saying everyone adopted does this but there are many and actually they do piss me off .
They don’t even accept a balanced view from adoptees who have had positive experiences because they don’t want to consider they were just unlucky!? I’m not belittling I am just saying be sure to seek out the opposing view for balance.
The issues or demons I carry are only in part due to being adopted. Some are developed over time , often by others’ behaviour towards how I live my life as an adopted adult. It is often an easy cop out to blame adoption as the root course to all lifes’ problems.
Many blame adoption itself entirely as if it is some voodoo type thing that has blighted so many lives.
That is basically , and I say this without respect, Bullshit!
In fact I will tell you my story in brief…I was adopted in the late 60s , an era steeped in racism and bigotry. So very unconventionally, I was adopted by a white family with two natural boys ..I had the best upbringing my parents could give me, great education and as much love as I needed to become the person I am now. I differ 99% from all of them.( the 1% is our name!LOL). I am confident (on the surface, of course I have wobbles underneath) a doer and a risk taker. They are all introvert, reluctant to take a risk and lack confidence. Going back to the question above, this is my NATURE as it is pretty much 80% same as BM.
How can anyone know if their child will be like their parent even in natural children?
Basically you cant!! I do know I am like both my AM and my BM in different ways for both…I’m not 100% unlike my siblings too, based on shared experience of our childhoods.
I love a half sisters ad my half brothers already after a relatively short time (BF side) simply because its already clear we are so alike..
My point is your child will be your child, like my boy is as much mine as my natural girl, they are like sponges…soak up every last thing they see… he’s potty trained in a week! he’s mimicked his sister from day one and takes direct instruction from us all like he’s twice his age…a very advanced toddler…
He’s not biologically of my DNA but to anyone looking at our family he’s quickly morphed into all of us.
Do you think Adoptees always feel different from the families that raise them?
I do agree with this statement BUT its no bad thing if that makes sense. Its true we differ in many ways but are very alike in others and that’s normal. I know natural children who differ so much from their families too and again it rarely matters..
Thankfully my own husband differs almost 100% from his and that is good as we wouldn’t stay together if this were not the case 🙂
As a foot note of advice:
Don’t let the negative Twitter Twats (not my lovely Twitter buddies of course, they know who they are!) make you feel you are doing anything other than an amazing thing. I am proud to know you and we’ve never met! As an adoptee I try to focus on what I had/have and not what I might have had , mainly as it would have been shit and my BM would be inclined to agree . Read between the lines when you see negative on there ..had they been naturally raised by birth family they may still have negative shit to say then too..its the GIG effect (Grass is Greener effect) and not fair on people who don’t know where or what they came from..Paints a picture that’s one sided you know? I have admired many posters then they jump on a positive adoptee (like me) without knowing anything about their background or where they may have been raised had they not been adopted. Trust me, sadly its not a bed of roses now I am an adopted adult, but everyone’s story is different
I am a firm believer that adoption itself isn’t the problem, how the adopter and the adopted person accepts it is potentially the problem.
Hope that helps…..
Lots of love