Last Days

On a day like today the sky should have been blue

The sun should have shone on me and on you

A stunning rainbow gave me hope in my heart

Made me think of my childhood, where loving you could start

You were shown this black baby, this bundle of joy

You didn’t care if I was a girl or a boy

The quote you repeat when asked if “I’d do.?” was

“Yes ,she’ll do fine….

If I’d known at the time I’d have said

“Oh Yes Please, do make this man be my Daddy of mine”

Such courage to take me in as your own…. TWO wonderful people gave me love and a home

No doubt about it,you’d faced opposition

You didnt care and held your position

You were being my Daddy,no matter what!

You were my hero,my strength and my rock

I know it’s a cliche to be Daddies girl but I’m proud to be so, as you are my world

I could scream at Mother Nature who’s dealt this cruel hand

You’ve endured such pain and a struggle most couldn’t stand

So brave and so stoic ,my heart could break in two

For my Dad,once stood tall and proud this is true

No man on this Earth holds a candle to you

I see a tear roll down your face yet you are silent

I dab your cheek dry and wish I could vent

A Faraway look in your eyes, like you’re reliving the past

I want to scream ‘it’s not fair, time’s moving too fast”

You’ve drifted off to a world in your head

Let me join you, there’s so much to say, so much still unsaid

Dad, stay with me, I need you, I’m lost and I’m sad

My children adore you, their precious Grand- Dad

On your 80th birthday you reached for my hand

Love in your eyes says “Please understand”

Not a single word needed, your eyes say it all

I feel like my life and the world is in free-fall

“Be Happy my daughter, You know that I love you”

For both, in that moment history came into view

Like silent movie playing slow on a reel

I’m struggling to capture the way that I feel

There’s no greater love than daughter and dad

My heart yearns to relive the memories we had

So cruel Mother nature, she stole from us all…my dad never hurt you yet you made him fall

He’s loving and gentle and you screwed him over

Your cruel fingers, spiteful ways have dealt him this blow

To give him disease was the lowest of low

Never blight the evil but strike in the decent

It’s not like he deserved it, neither past or recent

He once asked my Mother the saddest of plea

He asked her without irony, he asked her “Why Me?”

I so wish I could answer with logic, it’s true

But honestly there’s no reason why it should have been You

Of all those I know who deserve good health

Your the one! The one who has a wealth

A wealth of poise, honour and finesse

An intellect with integrity, generous and pure

If Mother Nature knew you, she’d have spared you, I’m sure

If she knew you, my Dad, you’d be still walking tall

But she showed you no mercy, my Dad, this great man

I’ll never forgive her, for taking the best of my Dad

The Dad who chose to give me the great life that I’ve had

Selfless and giving he took nothing he’d not earned

She owes him the years of health and adventure he’d yearned

I’ll always struggle to accept the cruelness of fate.

Mother nature I’m going to be happy to hate

I’m angry with what I see as two selfish bitches

Mother Nature and Fate are no better than witches

My Dad is my world and deserved so much more

He’s suffering ,lost dignity and has soreness to endure

At retirement he should have be fit and been able

Not a shell of himself!! Silent, disabled

It’s just so unfair, I’m angry and sad

But no matter what, I love him, he’s my Dad

How cruel you’re in pain and distress at this point

In every inch of your skin, and in every joint

I’m praying the Angels will guide you back home

Your parents are waiting so you won’t be alone

It’s time for your rest , you put up such a fight

To struggle to stay with us, just isn’t right

Fly free my kind hero, please let yourself fly

We will grieve and of course you know that we’ll cry

It’s time for your sleep, to be healed and feel strong

For your end to be suffering is just plain wrong

My heart is cracked open , I need you to rest

Your strength and your courage is put to the test

But honestly Dad it’s ok to leave

We’ ll be fine, we will cry and we’ll grieve


You’ll always be with us in hearts and in minds

We’ll take comfort that you’re finally free of all pain

These days of Goodbye are breaking my heart πŸ’”

Life will continue whilst never being the same


I know the light is bright with hands reaching for you

Grandad Jo and Gran Fran are keen to embrace you

Don’t leave with regret or worry about Us

We will look after Mum,and she’ll be alright

It’s time to let go, walk into the light

Be brave and courageous, it’s time to let go

I’ll miss you so much Dad, my Hero

But I’ll see you again , I’m sure and I know

When I need you, you’ll guide me, the way you will show

It’s true what they say
That the soul will live on

In our hearts and our heads
Your soul will still thrive

It’s not just as flesh and bones
That you’ll stay alive

I love you so much and wish you good night
Let the pain go and walk into the light

πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

Safe travels Dad, My love always xxx

I’m Just Not Ready…

I’m just not ready to say goodbye
The sun’s shining in bright blue sky
The tree blossom showing , all flowers in bloom
Birds singing, as if in rhyme

I’m just not ready, it’s not your time

My heart is breaking as you gaze at my face Stop the clocks , it feels like a race
Your breathing and smiling, It’s too unfair

I start welling up, such an intense stare.

Only last week you were in your favourite chair
It’s cushions moulded to your shape as if still sat there
I asked if you were in any pain, we’d never know as you never complain

Your stoical pride always so dignified
I had to leave the room before I cried
The last words youve said were admitting the struggle
All I could do was give you a cuddle

I’m just not ready to let you go!
I’ve more to say, exactly what I don’t really know
But this ride is too fast and I want it to stop
I feel I’m at the edge of a precipice about to drop

The kindest man alive  doesn’t deserve such cruelty
The man who’s my constant ,whose never judged me
It’s hard to see how small you’ve become
Yet your aura shines bright like a mid summer Sun

I can’t hold your gaze the way you do right now
I’ve cried by your side but don’t want you upset
So I glance away and share news to fill  quiet air
And then I look back and yet still you stare

As if committing my face to memory
Like there’s something you’re trying to say
But I know how much you’ve loved me
No conditions, no judgement, just let me be

I’m just not ready, I’ve so much more to share
Birthdays, Father’s Day, dates I’ll now dread
You know you’re my hero, this is so hard to bear
I need much more time to say words unsaid


You’re such a huge presence, my rock, you’re my Dad
You’re squeezing my hand , the last of your  strength is making me sad
Of all the men in my life you’re my number one
Im just not ready to imagine you gone

I’ve told you grandad and gran will greet you with a welcome embrace
They’re waiting to see your shining brown eyes and relaxed smiling  face

I said you’ll be happy,  healthy and ready to rest
And the sun will be shining and warm on your skin
Back to your elegant, tall upright best
Stronger and agile and no longer thin

You gaze at your wife, who you clearly adore
It’s poignant and moving, you can’t love her  more
I weep as I watch you reach for her hands.
One pressed to your lips in a gesture so pure

I’m just not ready yet to see you leave
I can’t face the prospect of having to grieve
You’re Dad and my hero and you belong right here
Please please stop the clocks for at least one more year

Time is a healer or so they keep saying
It’s not, it’s a thief, and you should be staying!
Don’t go, don’t leave,you can’t say goodbye
I’m just not ready, I just want to cry

If there is a heaven I know you’ll be there
And this must be hell , as it’s so hard to bear
This ride is too fast, Im not having a blast
At least slow it down, I need it to last

My heart is in pieces, bit by bit it’s cracking
I don’t know what to say, my vocabulary lacking
I know you’re so tired, the fight can’t go on
But I’m just not ready, to think of you gone

Stop the world now, I want to get off
I’m taking you with me to hide you away
The time can go backwards, give back all you’ve lost
This cruel hard disease has just too high a cost

Your little girl running round through your legs
In my bright coloured poncho and beads in my hair
We giggled together, so enjoying our game
Me laughing and hiding,you calling my name

My fingers have scars from a toy pram event
My cousin riding, me pushing then down the pram went
Landed on soft knuckles, I screamed for my Dad
Mum patched up my hands, the cuts pretty bad
But what I remember most from back then
You repaired Sally, my doll talking again

I’m just not ready, part of me is dying too
It’s just so unfair, you chose me, and I chose you
When presented to you as a baby, you were asked and you confidently declared
Yes she will, she will definitely do!

Adoption is giving new life to a child
Never doubt how much you have shaped my life
My world has been safer with you within it

I’d give anything for another year, month, week , day or minute

I’ve loved you my whole life with my heart, head, and soul
I can’t think of you leaving such a huge heart shaped hole

Don’t leave us, you can’t, I don’t want you to go

Please turn back the clock,  but it’s selfish I know
To lose you is to free you but my heart is so torn
I want you to stay but your pain has to go
The only thing I know right now and for sure….


I’m just not ready……πŸ’”

Thanks for reading ❀️
Much love
Black Sheep xxx

Read My Book

New Ways to Spice Up Cornrow Hairstyles | Un-ruly

To kick off 2021 I am introducing a few new resources to you …the first is Black Hair & Beauty ..articles and cool info I find that may be useful and or entertaining to my loyal followers…

https://un-ruly.com/cornrows-braids-hairstyles-new/

Heads up..2021 is bringing back Black Sheep..much to reflect on and share with you.. it’s good to be back πŸ’•

While you’re hear ..have a look at my new look websites www.lafeenoire.com and www.blackfairyboutique.co.uk

Black Sheep xxx
PS. Just in case you’re still not familiar with my story, you can grab my book as digital download on www.lulu.com or grab it in paper book here on Amazon

Embracing causes close to my heart alongside my great collections of maternity, gifts , jewellery and home wares
You could say I’ve decided to lift the lid of my business life and introduce the otherwise serious side of Black Sheep..

Happy New Year ❀️

Chill with a cuppa and watch this space …

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Growing up with RACISM

Growing up in a racist world: So two of my favorite men are my big brothers. Growing up in a white family I guess I was somewhat protected from the reality of my cultural difference. You could say that’s where the nickname Bounty comes from…you know Chocolate on the outside etc….got to admit to having little clue how to be around Black people as I was just not used to it. Nights out in clubs and spotted by black men scared me as the attention was palpable. Again it was alien to me. As I grew a thicker skin I understood Racism was never going away but my understanding of the racist jibes would get clearer. I distinctly remember my first bully. He was fixated by me from day one at my first primary school. His pet name for me was BAD APPLE.

Throughout the entire time at this Sheffield school, I felt the agony of looking out for him and waiting for the name, EVERY DAY. On my last day at that school, which was already a sad day as I was saying goodby to my BFF Sarah Lutton πŸ’– I can still see him and hear his taunts from atop a single skin wall in the playground. I stood and took it for some time, over and over BAD APPLE, GO BACK TO THE JUNGLE, WANT A BANANA N etc , You get the picture….
My rage grew from the pit of my stomach and built up and up until I saw the red blood in my eyes. Ironically I was holding an apple ( I kid you not!) I threw the apple at this boy as hard as I could and hit him square in the chest. It landed with such force he fell backward off the wall. I learned sometime later that he broke his wrist when he hit the ground. Often I wonder if he is now suffering horrific arthritis in his wrist to this day.? Heres hoping hey
My point is I can clearly see this episode as if it were yesterday. It never leaves you.
Fast forward to adulthood. Now it’s fair to say I like a laugh and will even make jokes at my own expense..BUT that’s my right
When my own late Father in Law told me to ‘smile because it was dark’…did I call him out? Nope..to save his embarrassment. THAT IS RACIST. It amused him of course….the fact his grandaughter is mixed race and was also present never entered his head. I loved him but lost a heap of respect for him at that moment. Had I called him out in front of my kids who would feel worse? ME! BUT it may have saved enduring similar over the years. Did my husband call him out? Nope. Probably never would. Misguided and subtle racism cuts as deep as the obvious wounding words

A tongue cuts deeper than a knife…remember that

When a close mate of my inlaws commented on how well my tan was coming on…did I call him out? Nope…to spare his embarrassment. The fact he looks like he’s a bad case of windburn was neither here nor there! Still, I bit my tongue

I could go on…but you’re probably glazing over. I won’t stop being vocal until I feel my circle get it. Feel free to delete me, then ill know who doesn’t…

I am blessed on many fronts, not only because I grew up with two amazing big brothers who I always considered to be my guardians as any little sister would (possibly the other way round now!LOL) But in recent years I have been found by my biological siblings and found to be one of 14. Now my world is a brilliant mash-up of culture and color and I am truly grateful.

Every single person has the right to feel that they belong. Imagine how you’d feel if you were told to GO HOME TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM yet as far as you were aware you already were HOME

I’ll leave you with that thought x

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Thoughts on the Race Riots

OK so the global protests and riots are NOT helping the course. Nicking trainers from a store and battering the store owners are feeding into the narrative that feeds the likes of Trump Supporters ( delete me if you are one BTW, I won’t be sorry to see you go!lol)

Many will be using this issue as an excuse to break out of lockdown. Others will see themselves as supporting an issue that they themselves have ignored for decades. There is still a global pandemic. Nothing has changed. I would love to attend a peaceful rally in support of my fellow Black and minority population. However, THERE IS A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. It will now spread worse than the bush fires of Australia..remember them? Cases will rise and deaths will be in their thousands as protesters infect each other and then return to their lockdown homes and clap the NHS on their doorstep..if that’s still a thing. Think about it, read about it, learn why it is still happening in 2020. I am happy to answer anything racism-related, I am an open book!
Its the subtle racism that cuts to the quick. The ‘jokes’ at our expense, the sniggering behind our back at something offensive. The Alf Garnet style attitude that’s alive and well in this country has to be seen as abhorrent and not funny.
My much-respected late FIL said to me once ‘Rachel, smile its a bit dark we can’t see you!’ I loved him and yet I should have called him out on it….in front of my children and my husband I kept quiet but cried inside.

The neighbor who called me a WOG and I called the police to show my kids it was totally unacceptable. High-level NHS director didn’t lose her job as I elected to caution and not an arrest. The red-faced windburned looking friend of the family who congratulated me on my tan?! Did I call him out, No, I spared his embarrassment? The old lady in the village shop who scowls at the sight of me clutches her granny bag under her armpit when drawing out her pension….Do I look like a fucking mugger to you?

Hundreds of incidences, too many to mention. Never called out on it… Not any more..I am 50 years of age and NOTHING has changed but now I am eccentric I will change my reaction…I will call out on it. I am done

Thanks for reading

An exhausted Black Sheep 😴

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LostGirl

In Finding Idenity

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Black Sheep - My Adoption Journey - Muses & Memories

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Attempting to survive my late-discovery adoption and the two tiny humans I created with humor, honesty, and weekly therapy sessions.

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