As we get nearer to Hallmarks favourite occasion, We see many social media posts on Mother’s Day that rip the guts from an adoptee..if only it were so neat to wrap up a mother’s love in a pretty pink bow…I don’t apologize for “not everyone” statements as on Twitter they are jumped on…(like I care!?) But I press on anyway. What makes folk uncomfortable makes for enlightenment…so here goes…
I hate Mother’s Day as an adoptee, I love it as a mother to my children .Who doesn’t love chocolate? Shite like this fb post below hurts my heart .It painfully discounts those whose mother’s in all guises have never mothered unconditionally..those who want the world to embrace this perfect image of family bonds that should be naturally strong and not forced, or worse, for show… not everyone can feel that pull to their mother…that’s what breaks My heart…Until my biological family embraced and welcomed me unconditionally I didn’t know how fucked up my Adoptive upbringing had been…no expectations or emotional blackmail, just warmth and love .No payback for services rendered, just respect. No punishments, subtle or not so subtle for stepping out of the perfect socially accepted bubble…just love….my BM sends me daily prayers to covert me..I still love her as it’s from a place of pure love …my Admom manipulates and gaslights me whilst claiming it’s love. I’ve two mother’s yet none…
Its true that deep down I know I’m loved and love her. I’m hoping I can heal the deep seated wounds before it’s too late. I know I won’t get an apology and certainly cba to ask for one.. Narcissistic parenting is common but no less painful once it’s taken hold. If only I knew her past, her trauma, her loss . Maybe I could feel empathy for her. A closed book. When I bought my late father a journal for us to work on together , she was so jealous I bought her one too. My dads didn’t get far as he struggled to talk by that stage so I regret not getting it sooner.. I did learn about his love of school, his first best friend and his relationship with his siblings. My mother said she would probably tweak the questions to suit herself..in other words they were too sensitive to her, especially the question “Is there anything you would like to apologize for!?” Well that was expected but the reality no less hurtful.
im guilty of still needing to do same for my children…yet I have published my journey so they’ll have that one day. For Mother’s day all I need is my children’s love. I’m proud I’ve broken the cycle of mothering that she raised me and my adoptive siblings with.
Bizarrely many of my siblings have no clue about having a mother at all yet they make amazing mother’s themselves
I do love both my mothers. However, I don’t view either as my mother. One I love very deep down for doing her best even if left me damaged as an adult. The other I love on an animalistic level. She grew me inside her yet due to circumstances gave me away ..(I prefer “gave away” to “gave up”)
Let me explain the subtle difference
Gave Away. This suggests that for a child entering the world with an agreement to be adopted, it’s already decided they are to be given away to someone or something else..maybe one day to be reunited
Gave Up. I don’t believe a single birth mother on this planet willingly Gave up on their child. They hope for eventual reunification, hope the parting is temporary and that one day they would see that child again.
So I prefer the term Gave Away . It’s clearer and more real.
Still as heartbreaking but for the Birth mothers reality it’s closer to the truth…
And so for all that said, I wish both my Mothers a Happy Mother’s Day. But for me I’ll lay low and cuddle my amazing children ..
Thanks for reading …
Much Love, Black Sheep xxx