Sibling Rivalry

Before I proceed with the process of adding to my lovely family I want to give some thought to a subject touched on before. Remember my growing relationship with a half sibling sister on my Birth Mother’s side.? Well things progressed…..

Someone who shares the same genetic makeup is not necessarily going to fit your ideal just because you share blood lines.

Taking you back….I’d found this sibling way back in my search for BM. Of course unbeknown to me, she had also been given up for adoption. Therefore she too had a name change. Fortunately really because she did have a fairly shite name!;-)

Anyway, I had always maintained I had no interest in finding anyone other than my BM. My Mum told me this was hopefully naive as baggage would drag along with her. Of course she was right but I remained resolute in my decision. Even armed (not dangerous) with the name and postal address of this half sister I sat on it for over 3 years before making contact. My Birth Mother of course prayed regularly for us to reunite but I wouldn’t until the time felt right.

I already knew who and where she worked. I had her in my LinkedIn…well why not? And as you know because we share a similar work life..well loosely. So I obviously had the advantage. Now she had once already shyed away from our fledgling friendship for fear of getting too close. She claimed she was unable to sustain a friendship by WhatsApp but felt she did want to meet me. Perhaps I could write her news in a handwritten letter. Perhaps she could kiss my arse? I’m a wife with kids , work, juggling aging parents…( Not literally you understand, that would just be silly and not practical)

What am I?? 80 with access to a feathered quill? Sod off…..

In reality I should have listened to my gut and stepped away from the woman at this point….but I left the lines of communication open and didn’t block her. Her constant need to tell me all about her awful work life and how her friends behaved badly to her was beginning to wear me down. She regularly fantasized about men in the public eye so would reach out for me to agree that so-&-so was hot blah blah..when invariably they were lucky if they were lukewarm.

I think from now I will refer to her without affection as BFF (Bonkers Fruit Loop Frenemy)..see what I did there?πŸ˜‚

So BFF went quiet around Christmas 2015 ,just before our trip when we decided to pursue adoption. To reiterate a quote ” she couldn’t sustain a friendship on WhatsApp”. Despite this we mutually agreed not to meet even though she felt her application to migrate to Oz may happen the next Spring.

I was fine with this as although I’d lost money in train fair, I knew she was unhinged.

Sadly as time and bickering went on,it became clear we literally only shared DNA…which should in this case stand for DO NOT APPROACH! Her self loathing and hatred of her past,her present and all who encountered her was only marginally less than her hatred it seemed of yours truly . And certainly of our Birth Mother. The Dear John she had sent in the not too distant past still had left a black cloud over our BM and I don’t think she was aware that I knew about it. I was sure she had no clue the damage it had done, nor did she give a shit!

I digress……

Her suspicion and paranoid reaction to everything was draining. If there was even the most miniscule chance to find a negative slant on a comment she would find it….You see, if you agreed with her you were fine..if not you were on a sticky wicket and would feel her wrath. She had a nasty tongue in that head I tell you. I’m not one for proof reading a text if written from the hip. Jeez, I struggle to proof read this blog!!!

I make no apology for saying it as I see it, never have…. so I was damned if I was going to start now with a complete stranger. Nope!

For example on one occasion we chatted about her neice who was saying she didn’t feel she could visit her in Oz next year if indeed she had moved by then. She told me she couldn’t believe how ungrateful that was. A free holiday.

On closer inspection said Free Holiday was accommodation only so not free at all…did she not see that a month off a job and a flight to Oz wasn’t an easy ask for someone in their early 20’s on a standard wage. I managed to bite my tongue for a while as she railed against her neice and her lack of support for HER and her lack of excitement about a trip down under (albeit self-funded).

Eventually I venture tentatively with “Maybe it’s not a dream of hers to visit Oz, it’s not for everyone and it’s a hell of a long way for a jolly!?” ..trying to keep it light.

BFF replies “Well it’s an amazing place I don’t understand her attitude”

Well now I bite.”I get it though, it doesn’t make her a bad person because she’s not up for it..It’s a major undertaking to travel to the bottom of the globe..basically the other side of the world and take all that time off…I don’t see gratitude coming into it at all…”

Well….you’d think I had just murdered her neice, shaved her head and stuck it in a freaking spike…the reaction I got for trying to reason was thus…

BFF “I never said she was a bad person, I’ll thank you to keep you opinions on my niece to yourself. I was merely mentioning that I had generously invited her to visit and she declined …how dare you insinuate that she is a bad person!!?

What the actual f…? What did I say?

So you get the gist..treading carefully with such a volatile personality was very tiring and left me often second guessing and re writing text over and over until it said nothing at all that could be misconstrued. That’s NOT easy and isn’t how I roll….Her expectation was that I would agree with everything and be her Yes person at the end of the line.

Er Nope…I’m not that person, never was, so I am confused as to how or why she thinks this would ever work out between us.

In fairness it wasn’t working out at all and I think her aim was to keep me on elastic..pull me in and let me bounce away again,like a bobbing balloon seeping it’s helium …what am I supposed to do with that sort of person?…step away is what…

We moved on and I was left smarting and hurt by the fact she was clearly determined to misunderstand me at every turn.

In my life I have learned that people are often challenging and people can change… close friends may become too comfortable in a friendship to the point where they know so much about you they use what they know to wound you if given the chance. Someone I believed always had my back did exactly that. She knows who she is but only she knows why she turned. We went back many years and shared breakups, marriages, holidays and birthday celebrations. She was a sister by another mother and we even referred to each other as Sisters. Lessons we’re learned ,guard went up as she showed an aura that was very unpleasant. At that point when someone who you trust with the lives of your children turns on you unexpectedly and with no explanation you have to step away. In the words of multicolored haired Cyndi Lauper, her True Colours came shining through….

I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. You think you know a person then realise you don’t actually want to share important stuff with them as you no longer trust them or their opinions. It’s a strange thing. In that particular case I consider myself well rid and steer clear as really not worth my energy.

In the case of BFF we didn’t have the luxury of such history. Therefore she was on a three strikes and your out as far as I was concerned.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t discuss her with my BM or vise versa and managed to keep to this for some time. Eventually of course I could no longer afford BFF that courtesy.

Partly to warn BM what a nut job her other adopted daughter has turned into.

I have no idea exactly why this attractive and intelligent woman is quite so bitter. Ive only been able to piece together snippets of the scant personal information she has disclosed. I get the distinct impression her adoption was not as mine. I sense an envy there when she mentions feuds and fall outs amongst her family.

The dust settled and she proceeds with her application to emigrate. Partly I think as apparently EVERYONE at work hates her, EVERY single person there is an out and out racist and out to get her. Oz of course is the least racist country by a Trump mile.yeah right…..ffs!

Her being passed over for promotion is if course because they are racist..not at all to do with her inability to manage people because she rubs them up the wrong way. Of course not. Ha!

So after some weeks of me putting my size 8 foot in my mouth I resigned to the fact that me and this genetic match were just too different and she was bloody hard work.

We exchanged several bitchy whatsapp messages…resulting in her blocking me..which was surprisingly gratifying..However, and proof positive the girl is two sarnies short of a picnic, she then emails me to tell me I’m blocked and urge me not to contact her again! lol πŸ˜‚..Who does that?? Pure twatism is what that is..

So now its game on ..nothing to lose as frankly I’m having the last word…I tell her to run along, pack her bags but be sure to weigh them before heading to the airport. I warned her the weight baggage allowance might not be sufficient if she carried the chip on her shoulder in her hold baggage…she didn’t like that and bit back with some convoluted explanation as to why I was needy in wanting a relationship with our BM, unlike her who sought her out of simple curiosity.

You can imagine my response….need I say more?

Anyway , this leads me neatly onto tell you that not all of my newly discovered siblings share this genetic makeup…As it happens in total I am one of a possible 14 or so beautiful, bonkers human beings..Yep you read that right..slowly getting my head around it I have already a close bond to two younger sisters and I’m excited to soon be meeting more long lost siblings.

To be able to say “my sisters” and know they see me as their “big sister”is amazing , surreal but definitely amazing…more of that in due course!

For now I’ve promised you a few reviews and the next one will be from one of my newly discovered sister’s..

Good night for now ,this Black Sheep is off to count siblings!!

Lots of Love

Black Sheep x

PS. you might like to refer to a post from when I first discovered the siblings on my BM side here

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