Forgiveness is not about forgetting

So recently I have had limited time to sit and think…as I told you a new focus is crawling about in my home and as such his sleeping hours are the only time I get to blog….eat, sleep, use the loo etc etc.

Anyway loving every minute of it, rapidly running out of memory on every gadget I own that can take a photograph and tired …..realise this sounds odd given he sleeps like clockwork…12 hours a night and 2 during the day from 10.30 almost to the minute

Someone told me recently raise a boy like a dog….running them hard, feed and water and they will sleep as they need..this is very true..

I honestly have never met a more predictable and contented baby. However the downside of this is complacency. He woke from a nap crying recently! Yes I know this is almost the most normal expectation but for us as it has literally NEVER happened!. Even on the day we met face to face when he awoke to 3 pairs of eyes staring at him! So I have to say it was quite a scary thing. Heart racing and legs pacing as I consoled this bundle of fun (aka 23lb solid beefcake- said goodbye to my bingo wings already) I reminded myself that this was normal. Phew! He looks around his Blue and Yellow Winnie the Pooh bedroom and always glances at the same things before ready to press on with poking into all he shouldn’t.

He looks at this window, the sill holding giant Tigger and Rabbit toys, with even bigger Winnie and Eyeore resting on a mini Winnie chair. He glances above him at his pendant light bearing Winnie holding a balloon and lastly has to see his Pooh clock with its pendulum swinging legs. At his point he is satisfied to be where he should be and where he knows hes safe and loved. Now I can hoist him out and dry his face…..

I will of course work you through the process of adding to our family in due course but for now bear with me as I revel and bask in the lovely new bond we are all building with a small person who could not be a better fit for this mad-cap family.

So I find myself at a cross roads in my life, a chosen path many might view as sheer madness but the pleasure I get from those cute dimples, cheeky smile and huge saucer eyes cannot be described with simple text…at the risk of gushing about my two beautiful children I will just say they really are TOTALLY scrumptious and a wave of emotion takes hold every time I see them playing together. She is a constant source of amusement to him, He is a small person needing her protection and constant introduction to all things..naughty mainly but hey, that’s where I come in.

The most understood words so far seem to be NO!, Light , Gently and Mama (Ha!!) The gently is a moot point when he grabs Daddy by the chest hair…I suspect this to be his own fault for showing him how to pull up grass!?!

I noted two women today enchanted by my baby boy. They stopped their conversation and all their focus turned to my little man as if drawn into his spell. I will over the next few months challenge all my girlfriends not to fall madly deeply in love with this mini man ! Ha! Trust me there will be a steady stream of broken hearts when he hits puberty..But for now I can privately revel in his company as he really is the greatest waste of time! Just watching him dart around knowing I have to preempt his every move already as the minx in him is showing itself before he’s even a year old!

A new thing is stronger attachment. Its likely no coincidence that top teeth are trying to come in. Certainly could explain an increase in his clingy behaviour of late.  I was previously marvelling at the fact he usually woke from a sleep and rarely did more than a sing song until he got the attention he was after. Following recent sleeps he is waking and crying? Sounds perfectly acceptable but given its actually a new thing it was slightly alarming. However, ever the positive optimist I have concluded that it is in fact an excellent sign of a a developing strong attachment with me. I am the main caregiver so the one most likely to hear him as he demands to be rescued from his cot. I figure he trusts that I will make it all better. As soon as he hears me calling out to announce my approach he clams up and kind of sobs with relief. This I do see as a good sign if a little disconcerting. Positive changes are seen almost daily and his confidence in all the family is growing hugely.

Anyway enough of that for now….

I got thinking recently,  reading a thread on Facebook about forgiveness. I am generally the person who seeks to understand the other point of view but occasionally there is no reasoning with people so I move on and consider myself excused from the friendship and congratulate myself for simply recognising a prize prick when I see one!?

However, there are other times I realise that ignorance is not always the fault of the other person , however hurt they make me feel and I have room for compassion and can shelve a desire to a) bear a grudge, which we all know serves no positive purpose (but boy do I know someone who treats it as an Olympic sport) or b) punch that person so hard in the tits they pass through their body and end up as mini humps on their back…I generally fantasise about option b of course and have never put it into practice…I promise!

So I have a current situation where I am once again the forgiver of someone else’s shitty behaviour, and despite never seeing myself trusting that person this side of hell freezing over, I know that my energy is best spent on nurturing my little prince and giving him the best of myself as a mummy and as a woman he can respect and look up to. He is going to be the most handsome young man and proved his flirting skills are already pretty honed this morning. Grinning his gums and batting his enviably long lashes at two business women in Costa, who were previously deep in serious discussion.

I came across this great piece of writing which summed up almost precisely my thoughts on forgiving someone who really deserves far less….

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat……Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behaviour, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgement, but without true change, no real relationship can be established………Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation………Forgiveness does not excuse anything………You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realise that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness……
William Paul Young, The Shack
And so on wards and upwards to another day of ……laundry, nappies, mushed food , play….nappies……nappies  oh …and cuddles! 🙂
Thanks for reading
Much Love
Black Sheep xxx

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