Little Sister & Big Sister?

Ok so its been a while and I make no apology.. I’ve been super busy. Turning round on a spot for too long and made some decisions in my life at last. A cross roads? More like a huge pot hole in the road blocking my path like a gaping abyss. BUT I am rising above the crap and smiling….Oh yes, I am smiling pretty bloody wide and I don’t mind telling you!! You see I have added a new dimension to my life after some years of debate and I am loving it. Decision made, and seems it was the best timing ever! If you recall I always said I would reach out and connect with my half sister. Well a few aspects of my life have shaken me awake recently.

I spent a few days last week with dear old friends, one who has known me over 20 years so knows me as well as anyone…she pointed out to me that life was  too short not to accept someone else moving in a different direction. What I had suspected for well over a year hit me as a truth I was ready to accept. Not that I no longer care , but that I know they no longer care so I cant bang my head again that proverbial brick wall a moment longer. This advice came from a friend who is very special to me. She has an unending optimism and positive outlook that is simply infectious. She delights in almost everything, truthfully states she has the best life in the world and her effervescence rubs off onto you like a scent you cannot tire of. I love her and we have many great memories for which I will always smile (and belly laugh so hard we both snort!) The kind of friend you don’t have to see regularly to know they will  be exactly the same person when you do. Definitely the kind of friend you want to keep for life. If she’s reading this she knows I love her and wish I saw her more often.

I needed something to kick start me to blog this week . So much to share but its all a jumble of prose and hard to focus …so this morning a video landed in my inbox from none other than my BM. Its like she reads my mind Ha!..It could not have struck a louder cord …please watch it to the end before reading on..it is an amazing summary of how I have been feeling for sometime…”Truer words have never been spoken”

Friendships come and go, I get that, but I never felt that it would be the most unlikely friendships that would fall by the wayside. It happens… I get that too, but when it is totally unexpected and for no reason you can think of it hurts.

broken-friendships

Yes, it hurts like a bitch but actually my head tells me the opposite of my heart in this case. Logic suggests long term friendships are the ones to last the course but the reality is some people change, they move on and become virtual strangers. Why else would I have divorced my ex…we changed. It is better to spend quality time with those who warm you like a radiator rather than those who sap your energy like a drain ( I should have been a plumber!?) Trying to fathom someone out and constantly getting knocked back is tiresome and self destructive. Time romps on and one day you realise the other person brings so little to your party that you wonder why they even bothered coming in the first place? My advice is don’t be someones option…if something better comes up you get blown out…only be part of a two way street, not at the end of a dead end waiting for the street lamp to go off in your head and show you enlightenment. Takes a while but the relief of accepting the end of that road is immense.

I wish no one ill will, wish them all the best as I bear no grudges, but once my hurt becomes indifference I guess that’s that. Lock down from my end. I am not closed to an apology and explanation but wont be holding my breath

Time to focus on the positive, move away from the negative and look after myself and my own…

It takes too much energy and its wasted on enough trivia as it is…and so I realised lately that things had to change in many areas of my life and a new wave of excitement grew in the pit of my (post holiday excess) stomach.

Many exciting new journeys are in the offing (you will have to keep following ) and one in particular has already changed my life hugely.

You see, I am no longer just a little sister to two older brothers who I love with all my heart. I am also now officially a big sister to a little sister. Oh my god it is huge. We are two peas in one pod! It takes a while for stuff to sink in with me but I can honestly say connecting with this new character in my book is as big as connecting with my Birth Mother. Its true that timing is everything. I sat on her address for three long years so something, maybe some higher force stopped me making this massive step ..until now.

It transpires that my half sister was also at a cross roads in her life professionally and emotionally. Having said to close friends recently that she desperately needed something ‘meaningful’ to happen and soon. Now, I am not blowing my own trumpet here but my introductory letter landed on her door mat three days later? The irony is not entirely lost on me here! So of course I sent it recorded…you know me, it had to reach the right person after waiting this bloody long to write it didn’t it?

So I sent my letter, not dissimilar to the one I wrote three years back to my BM’s friend and neighbour (E). I went away on holiday knowing that otherwise I would spend the next few weeks practically mugging the postman to ensure he had emptied his mail bag completely. NO risk of sitting and waiting for a reply…Three days into my vacation I receive an email from my half sister, for the purpose of continuity we will still call her JB. She said she couldn’t leave it until I got home and wanted to respond right away. She described how her delight and surprise were felt in equal measure and that she was overwhelmed with a sense of need to know all about me and my life.

As we were both adopted we have already something very obvious in common. It was with teary eyes and a pounding heart I read the email out to Hubby and my girly at the breakfast table on a sunny deck. Oh My God, is this real? Yes, very real and you know I felt a huge relief. How did I know she would be happy to hear from me? Just knew I guess…but what is even more bizarre is I also felt that she needed me…I know its sounds strange but this has turned out to be the case, we needed each other and right now! Me for the validation that actually both she and I were put on the right path by our shared BM. She needed me to reassure her that a shitty few years were coming to an end and he huge life changing decisions were the right ones for her. Fair swap I’d say! 🙂

Some say we look alike, others say she is more like our BM. All say its the eyes. We all have the same eyes. I’ll take that!:-)

Out of nowhere I grew a pair, metaphorically , not literally you understand..that would be very odd ..and uncomfortable..Ha!  I knew that I had to connect with her and there was no time like the present. To say it was an instant connection is not a lie. It seems we were both adopted by white parents so we compared all the issues around that. We were both raised with other siblings, mine natural to my parents,  hers adopted alongside her and of different birth parents. She told me she was only aware of me as another daughter who was also adopted. She had no other information from our BM as she hadn’t developed the relationship, as I had, for her own reasons.So my appearance was quite a shock. She was initially cross that my BM had given her address to me, a complete stranger …I understood and said I felt bad as I honestly assumed she had been furnished with the same detail as I had. Fact was I had found our BM AFTER she had written, met by accident and then stepped away. Therefore in reality there was no way she would have had my details as our BM didn’t know I was even looking for her at that time. She was quite dismayed that her details had been passed on without her permission which I agreed was naughty, but no more so than the other issues I had pulled our BM for over the last few years. I talked her out of writing to her to express her displeasure …suggesting that there was no benefit to be had from telling her off for something she probably did in good faith. I said had she continued dialogue with her she may well have passed my details on to her once she had them but this was cut off so was not possible by the time I wrote myself. I suggested she did indeed write the letter, full fury force in her lovely handwriting. Then she should pour wine, throw something and then burn it. Done. Written but not sent to cause distress to a lady who, lets face it, is over excited at having her flock fly back to the nest (in her eyes and head and certainly in her heart) . She agreed , the end result was not worth it. Nobody would benefit ,the knock on effect to me and back to her was not worth it one  bit!

So we wrote and shared our lives and sent numerous pictures to each other. I commented on how we shared the lucky skin gene! How easy it is to furnish another soul with all that you hold dear! Thanks to modern technology we now have almost stepped inside each others lives and understand each other like no one else ever has ..its true to say we have held nothing back. What would be the point? Her life has so many parallels to mine, from our childhoods of finding ourselves the only black faces in our schools, to being raised in a white family.

Taking a trip down this memory lane together has been quite an eye opener but also almost rubber stamped a number of things I already suspected. I was right about the fact we may well have played as youngsters in the same play park. Remember me wondering whether we may have crossed paths when I was staying at my Grannies in the NW town near to where I was born.I’d considered that we may have shared childhood moments together as ‘relative’ strangers.Well it seems I was not far off from my guess. She did live for some time in the same area, so this is highly likely. Imagine the two of us on that See-saw… giggles filling the air as we rise and fall. Imagine if she had pushed me on the swings with no clue that the blood coursing through her veins may be shared by her playmate. Not so unlikely as it transpires now. We have communicated daily since my first letter and both agree it feels so natural, like we have always known each other. Our connection is on a spiritual and emotional level and two hourly phone calls confirm many things we have in common. Not least that we can both talk the hind legs off a donkey! We both feel drawn to each other and agree that the timing is spot on. She has had a tough few years and concluded that had my letter landed only a year ago her response may have been quite different. She already feels protective of my little girl , not only as she is connected by biology but as she feels the connection with me is strong enough to see herself as her aunt. I know this is strange but I do feel comfortable with having her in my child’s life in a way I don’t feel the same with reference to my BM. Is this because she has no agenda other than to know her as she wants to know me?. Nothing more than to embrace our connection as it is rather than run with it and present it to many others . Just because someone shares your genetics doesn’t mean they have to know you …that is how I felt about my impromptu meeting with my full blood brother. As it happens this is how my half sister felt and still feels about our BM. It would seem the ‘chance’ meeting of these two ladies at the funeral of a friend of the former was not so coincidental as it had been described to me. Having been furnished with all the details as to time , when and where the funeral was taking place, my BM arranged to be there and take the opportunity to approach her youngest long ago, adopted daughter.

This meeting at the graveside served to throw JB such a huge curve ball she backed away and had a dramatic change of heart. Her need to find our BM was little more than curiosity with no wish to pursue a relationship of any kind. This I agreed was fair enough, we differ almost only in this respect. I accepted the meeting from my BM point of view but now given the other persons account of events I concur that it was a little misguided?   I hesitate to take a side but it would look and feel unfair to me if I were in JB shoes ….and throw in dealing with grieving a good friend at the same time! Phew! Its no real surprise she ran a mile is it!?

Recently I did tell our BM that we had found this amazing and deep connection. So natural the way we chat away like old friends, hubby cant understand how we can chatter for the first time ever in our lives for two solid hours! Not unlike when I first rang my BM by accident…hour and a half like two fish wives discussing everything from  the weather to the price of bread!

I told my BM that JB was lovely and that we just clicked with each other ..

she replied ‘Of course she is, as are you, because don’t forget love, you both came from the same womb’

And there you have it…Nature kicks Nurtures arse right into touch! The sharing of a genetic nest, albeit at different times has proven to be the soul reason why our connection is so strong, so easy and without hesitation we have embraced a friendship I already hold dear.

She tells me she feels we are drawn to help each other and I truly feel that too. Like a path carved from a solid foundation, our Birth Mother,  many years ago. She freed us from a future of promised fear and uncertainty. We embarked on two separated journeys… on roads fanning out in two directions. Eventually both paths merged into one single road and we were destined to meet as we both walked along it purposefully. Call it fate or Karma, it was going to happen if only due to the personalities in both of us. We are scarily similar in how we talk, think and dream.

We both agreed we feel we can share everything with each other and there is no reservation in showing our vulnerability. What we also share in common is that our families hold us in high esteem to the point of being almost totally reliant on our strength. How weird that her parents are deceased and yet her siblings, all adopted bar one, lean on her as if shes taken their place. Is that because of her sharing caring nature or being she is the one with the difference? I think we both have this very much in common!

slow dance

My point to all this is that no matter how life turns and twists, we all hold the key to how we move from chapter to chapter. A character may be left behind in a previous chapter and perhaps reappear in the future but it is healthier to write them out of the script if they make you feel unworthy. Embrace a new character who allows you to be you, to express yourself without judgement. That is exactly how I want my children to live their lives and loves.

We are all given choices ….choose to give and receive love…

Thanks for Reading

Much Love

Black Sheep xxx
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