Found myself musing today, as I do and wondered the burning query….Hmmmm, am I beach body ready? Now there lies a question!! Answer is Hell Yes…I have a body , I am going to the beach so we are considered ready ,right? 

Maybe, or maybe not! Its been a bloody long old year this one 2016 and we are only half way through. However it is a year since my last feeling of sand beneath my feet …the anniversary of my annual slob-out is looming and my poor tired and aging body is telling me its not before time either.

I picked up a stinking cold a fortnight ago. A ‘Summer Cold’ What the hell is that anyway? Its like saying a Winter Sunburn to me. Just wrong. To glamorize it by adding Summer in front is not gonna change the fact I wheezed , sneezed, sniffed and remain decidedly miffed! Its gone from Ertha Kit husky (hubby liked that) to Kermit the Frog croaky ( He didn’t like this in the same way…more amused than aroused). I am now left with a 20 a day hack and I don’t even smoke! It’s just not fair!! *stamps foot*

Furthermore only a few weeks back I moved our dental practice to somewhere nearer and NHS and we are delighted with the move. Well I was until my new chap tells me I have gum disease…fast forward to several nightmares of my entire top and bottom set falling out when I bite an apple…not to mention gallons of that toxic Corsodyl sluicing round my mouth…. like Listerine isn’t bad enough?. I cant taste food (wine not so bad oddly)  Do you know the result of regular use of this particular mouthwash? Staining isn’t as bad as they make out if you brush your teeth like a mad thing afterwards , which I do. You actually lose weight!! Yes, I kid you not. You lose weight because basically you cant taste food…. so you don’t bother eating.

As a consequence I bought a spanking new outfit for a friends wedding recently and delightedly took in the darts! Result…for now…Beach body here I come…or not!

So today I rock up to my new dentist to learn my fate….I already know I have been promised a small filling…the first in 46 years so I am impressed and unimpressed with myself all at the same time.

I want to know if I am going to lose these wonky gnashers in my dotage….and get a brand new shiny set like Katie Price’s (or god forbid Rylan Clark’s ?)

So I lie back and think of England….well not exactly but anything to distract me from the light over my face, the silly shades and the needle my lovely new Dentist is brandishing….He leans in for a kiss…again , not exactly but I am trying to make this appointment more Shades of Grey than Streaks of Red you know ! Thankfully the filling wasn’t too bad, thanks to the anaesthetic causing facial Elephantitus on the left side of my  face. It remained numb for much of the morning . I swear I am not a wimp but who likes needles ? The scaling was less painful than expected and the news was actually I don’t have as bad gums as he promised. I have to wedge little brushes the size of my daughter hairbrush through my teeth and see him again in 6 months …Hey? So from a Aggressive gum disorder to Keep up the great oral hygiene and see you in half a year? Alright then , cheers, I’ll be on my way …

Now it seems Gum Disease as well as most other non-specific traits, we have in all of us, is more than likely hereditary. And just bad luck. Cant blame my BM as she doesn’t have it so guess my Birth Father was long in the tooth. Hmmm, Cheers for that one….another reason not to find him then! Grrrrr…well at least I can chew gum for now eh!

Anyway, like all my girlfriends, when preparing for a jolly on the beach we do a mini check list: Leg fuzz, Brazilian (or not…), Pit Fur, Body buffed and polished, Nails buffed and polished and eyebrows to make Kim Kardashian turn and stare!

I like to think I am pretty fastidious when it comes to being ‘smooth’ but you can never go too far when you are exposing so much flesh!

So along with a new Maxi dress to cover all my sins,  a new Tankini is bagged still tagged..yes the days of Bikini are LONG GONE, as is my size 8-10 waistline but I wear my jelly roll with pride…my daughter is single-handedly responsible for it of course, along with the tiger stripe stretch marks proving I am in fact her Mummy…or is it Kettle Chips and Shiraz…either way, I am sure there are bigger battles to flight in this life than the Bulge?!

I am a good girl when it comes to Suncreen too…happy to slap on the Factor 50 if only to avoid those unwanted  liver spots ! A lack of sunlight in the UK is more than compensated for by going abroad for a blast of pure Ozone free scorching!

All in all I feel my impending chillaxing is well deserved….countdown is on…so the last thing to do is paint my toes and buff off the rough skin…Really simple you might think…yes it would be, had the recent knock to my big toe NOT have taken place. Oh yes couldn’t have happened at a better time could it?Jeez!.

Three days ago, having ignored the knock to a fairly thin and weakened nail I slipped on my Leopard print slipper boots. Something felt wrong so I whipped it off again. Low and behold approximately half of said big toe nail came clean off. Whhhhaaaattt? Didn’t bleed, didn’t hurt just looked bloody odd. Considering it left half a deep blue polish against the now exposed flesh it looked less than funky…Sending a pic alongside a distressed message to a BFF she gave me a suitable amount of sympathy for which I love her. I then decided in my wisdom to go ahead and paint the skin the same colour as the polish! Her response was that it didn’t look half bad from a distance! Result! That’ll do me. No one is going to be closer than from a distance to this toe if I can help it so I might just get away with it. I am pleased with the result and may even add glitter!? My child and hubby are both outraged but then its not their bloody toe is it!

So all I know is me and my half shell toe are going on holiday and no-one needs know that the skin is painted …in fact i might experiment with a half and half two tone look on both big toes just to ring the changes? Too much? Ok then one colour I promise….

When my body and mind are rested and recovered from a tough few months I will be ready to face my next challenge…for that you will just have to watch this space!

This rant / muse is dedicated to one of the most beautiful ladies with the biggest warmest heart….primarily because I pinched this photo from her..she knows who she is and that I love her xxx

When I have sand between my toes and a view of the ocean I will know everything works out as it should in the end….

Much Love

Black Sheep

ps.Happy Holidays xxxx

 Buy my book

 Download my ebook