My Journey – What Price Beauty?

I have been trying to blog for days now but emotions have been running high, what with one thing and another and when I tried my words got all jumbled but now the urge is too strong ………..

So there I am with half a head of braids already removed by my good self. I quit removing them when I decided I could no longer lift my left arm without hearing an ominous clicking sound… two industrious and dedicated unpickers set to work on the right side of my head  (Note to self , remove randomly so as to avoid only one side being wrenched mercilessly by others who cant actually FEEL your pain!..lesson learned)

As I sit there I am taking amusing pictures to share so my closest friends can enjoy a laugh..and go some way to understand the effort it takes to look this Shit Hot at my ‘certain age’! Ha!

Looking direct into your own eyes for what seems like hours of laziness (its not I assure you, its bloody tiring for me just sitting!) I have time to reflect. I see myself staring back and wonder exactly how the hell I have got this far and stayed sane.

Most people who know me well will be aware this was part one of the transformation for me , from Winter to Summer pelt. BUT what they wont know is that this particular metamorphosis is a little special this year. Oh yes, its quite an occasion and they try to bet on the next braid colour (Summer is usually Pink…not this year folks so keep guessing!)

You see, in only a few hours time I am meeting my Birth Mother again. For the first time in 18 months or so,since that fateful Christmas when I vowed never to venture into her comfort zone and stick to neutral territory if we meet again. I made many repeated suggestions that half way was fairer anyway and tried to minimize the angst by making it more about me, time and finances and various travel issues. Rather than about her and her inability to keep her tribe the hell away from me.

It took some doing too I tell you! She kept replying with ‘ Well we could meet in a Hotel in Manchester and then its less likely!’ Nope, less likely yes for sure. Impossible ? I don’t think so . I dug my heels in and it went quiet. She knew in no uncertain terms that it was my way or now way and up to her !! I can be a stubborn cow and proved it now.

I even resisted the excuse which threw me a curve ball and I nearly caved. She told me she was unable to get a train to meet me half way. Said she has a phobia of trains since the day she took a London bound train and had to leave me there and return without me. I believe her. I really do BUT folks she’s not stupid in any way. Very switched on in fact. The point is since I’ve known her she has travelled as far as Jamaica twice from Manchester!! She didn’t walk to London to get her flight, or travel by car…she took a bloody coach! See, I never underestimate her but I do know that she is a trier. And we all know GOD loves a trier Ha!

So I stood my ground, dug those kitten heels well in and said NO, this time you come to meet ME , we will have a great day but on my terms…

So as my head is being pecked, scraped, relaxed and hit with all manner of toxic chemicals I am thinking about our meeting. The braids wont go back in until the weekend as I want her to see my hair in all its thickness and glory for the first time ever. Lets face it , its her fault (or my Birth Fathers) that I have enough hair for 3 grown adults. As does my child actually!. I figure I will be more of a reminder of the love of her life with my hair natural so am expecting some reaction…

A small black lady in a blond curly wig arrives and sits in the next seat as the last braid is unpicked . So obviously a wig, as it looked like it had been attacked recently by a feral cat!) She is eyeing me with suspicion. I make her talk but saying Hello. Still she is looking at me as if I have a hole in the centre of my face or something equally horrifying. Then she takes a deep sigh and whips off her blond curls to reveal a teasel of a head. I have to confess to stifling a giggle when this little thatch is combed out ready for its new look…I wonder which socket she stuck her pinky into while I had my head in a sink…shame..I am grateful for a full head of hair but Jesus it does takes some work!

Sheep with dreadlocks

So I am sleek and smooth and scabby from the chemicals but almost don’t recognize myself. The other downside being I cant swim this week…you ever seen a black women with natural hair in the pool?? NO you bloody haven’t, you might think you have but trust me that’s NOT her own hair absorbing the chlorine! Its protected elaborately with someone else’s! That folks is what extensions are for. If I didn’t have braids and swam the three times a week I choose too? Well I too would sport a thatch teasel!

Right so now I focus on the fact we are to meet up having literally only communicated by short texts since that Christmas. She said she’s excited , as I am, if a little anxious. The end of her text last night says God Willing. I hate that….not being religious I think to myself…Its not up to Him, its up to US to make it a good day, turn up, survive, enjoy etc…Worries me as it sounds almost like a get out clause. So my confidence on the outside is masking butterflies and a feeling that I might break down at any second. Tragedy by Bee Gees is playing right now on BBC2 while I write this? Ironic eh!lol

Last month my Mum cornered me , as is her way . She asked when we can talk ‘nicely ‘ about our unspoken topic. I said I didn’t know. I told her I didn’t trust that she felt any different to how she did back then. She said nothing. That’s my answer then I guess. I tested the water and opened up to tell her about E and her son dying suddenly. She sniffed and said through gritted teeth ‘Oh dear, how sad’. Call me cynical but that was loaded with ‘ What’s it to you? and at first she forgot who E even was so……….Nope. sorry I remain on lock down!

So last week she realised I had told her we were meeting in June and raised the subject again. ‘When are you meeting HER? Still cant say her name then eh?.Really?

I replied ‘ Wednesday!…This Wednesday?? she looked shocked. “Yes This Wednesday “I moved away. Through clenched teeth (tighter than gritted you understand 😉 she said  ‘Oh Right…Best Regards!’ WTF?? Really? I just looked at her and changed the subject. Firstly my BM dosn’t need her best regards and is still smarting over her behaviour for the same reasons I am . Secondly I do not discuss my Mum with my BM or vice versa so NO I wont extend Best regards. So much was said its best left locked away in my Head’s attic room where it remains under that dusty old sheet. Best regards my arse! LOL

So I am a mix of nerves, excitement , trepidation and I think I may have to find a train seat near to the loo? Hubby bid me goodbye at 6.30am and promised to book my car parking online so I don’t stress over that when the time comes. Surprised not to have a call from my Mum but guessing she’s feels a bit crappy today but what can I do or say? I cant help her with her guilt , I cant turn back time and I cant deal with her emotions when this is MY Story! I am welling up now. WTF?? I don’t even know why…but what I do know is if I miss this bloody train there wont be a conclusion for by book!

Be sure though, after today’s meeting the next chapter of my journey will continue to surprise and amuse. And you lovely readers will still get warts and all..but for now I will sign off and head out for the station….Watch this space….today is undoubtedly going to be fodder for my next post!…

Thanks for holding my hand to date….

Much Love

a Nervous but Excited Black Sheep


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