It is fair to say I was pretty bloody proud of myself to have found my BM. Needle in a Haystack, one in a million .In fact every other cliche you can come up with to describe tracing something that seems impossible to find. Besides this I was proud of my Hubby and the dearest of friends who propped me up and took me by the hand , and the heart in some cases and just let me be me. Never underestimate how important the support network you have around you is. Even those you think after the event are probably bored with hearing about it….and there are a few I am certain, it is their good grace never to say so at the time.
The New Year progressed without major drama as I came to terms with the magnitude of what I had achieved. The very fact that I had opened the next Chapter of my Book of Life by adding a major new Character. There were others, mustn’t forget the lovely E, oh and her Cat…the gauking Tabby!. So I made the promised phone call two weeks later and every two or three weeks we had an hour long catch up. I was slowly learning things to build up a picture of who this woman actually was. The strangest thing was the telephone calls never faultered, never any awkward silences,just chatting away like old friends. I suppose looking back that as this is in my Nature, and a trait given genetically and adoptively then its no surprise really.
I learned that she attended the Church of Seventh Day Adventists..real Horse Hair Vest stuff right there! But hey, each to his own. I heard about her friends in her Church and that she enjoyed a good old Steam with her friend and neighbour E, but she couldn’t swim. The things you think you know about people that have such minimal significance! Now every detail and every new piece of information had huge significance because this women carried me in her womb.!! How mad is that!?
Anyway, it was then that a warning I had been given by my Mother rang true. Bear in mind the warning was perhaps given in the wrong spirit but it was still pertinent nevertheless. She had warned me that in finding my BM there was little I could do about the other blood relatives that might also want a piece of the action, as it were. So in my head and I always maintained this I only wanted to find my BM . End of. She held the key to my locked up Memory Bank. She had all the answers. Not anyone else. However people, this is not actually an easy thing to achieve. You really cant isolate the one person from her kin. Sadly? Whether you want the introductions or not your BM is overly excited at this point and all she prays for (yes Prayers) is a happy reunion with all her lot and maybe your lot, well your child for sure! So you need to prepare yourself for having to rebuff the not so gentle persuasion that will inevitably come early on.
So I told you I have 3 siblings knocking about in the UK. 2 boys MB and NC (first husbands son and daughter EW). When utilising the resources I showed you how to find Birth records on Genes Reunited. So when I was scouring these records for detail on my siblings I came across a PVB with the exact same date of birth and registered in my Council Parish the year of my birth. I tracked this information for a while and ended up stalking an Actor fella in the USA. That would be cool I thought. very camp he was which made it even cooler to me so he was my elder sibling? Cooooooolll!! Well actually the Actor was clearly NOT my sibling , for a start it turned out he was Burmese so am guessing life was complicated enough . Ugh!Dead end number one thousand and six!
When I asked VS why I found PVB with exact same data as MB guess what she said?
‘Well, he was PVB when he was registered but you know when I got him home, he looked so much more a MB so I just called him that instead!?
What??? So you didn’t change it on the records?
…..and then you went and married into the name SMITH?? Did you want me to bloody find you or not…? Talk about leading me up the wrong paths! We laughed about it. It seemed mad to me but perfectly normal to her!
So when I began to learn more about my siblings I was told they were desperate to meet me (the boys anyway) Really?? Oh well I am not ready for any of that malarky and may never be but I humoured her for now. When she told me the younger one would text me when he had credit on his phone I did wonder why he would be that desperate. Best get a job before putting in the effort to meet a high maintenance, never met half sister who would eat you alive! ha!
No , it had to be made clear. I am NOT ready , please leave it for me to get my head around finding you for now. I get that they are her children and it turned out they did know all about me and all about my half sister too.
The reason for that was that she herself , EC, had traced our shared BM some months previously ! Wowzers…now she really did have her flock coming back home didn’t she.
EW used an agency, not the grumpy cow I was introduced to but a private company found VS for her. So imagine this. Both me and my half sister were actually looking for our BM at exactly the same bloody time!Its almost funny and trust me you couldnt make this shit up if you tried. So when my letter falls on the mat , its de ja vue! 🙂
Now let me tell you about when my letter arrived at Number 4. It turns out that Postie delivered my letter to E on the Tuesday. At the time she was picking out braids of someone sat on the floor in front of her, with Tipping Point on the TV. She was reading this letter to herself , giving the person whose hair she was working on a break. That person was my Birth Mother. So I could now picture it exactly how it happened. E told me she read the letter quietly to herself as obviously she wouldn’t read it aloud until she knew its content was not intended soley for her. Now although these ladies know each other well, there are parts of my BM’s life she kept to herself , painful episodes of her past she chose to leave well behind….
So she leans over my BM and asks V the question.( By the way I started calling her V for a while, not sure she liked it but it sounded cute to me!)
‘V, were you married to a chap with the surname C?’ She says ‘Yes why do you ask? ‘ E says ‘I’ve got this letter here, I think you really should read it!’ It is at that point that she hands the letter to her friend with the now half picked out braided head. I am imagining she looked like half a back combed teazel much like I do in the same state of unbraid!
Her tearful response was ‘That’s My daughter ‘ This was where she jumped on this loony toon roller coaster ride with me!
There is a real risk now that having found your BM you see everything coming together like a fairytale ending. Be wary of viewing the whole picture through those rose tinted glasses so many people have warned you about. It is not true that everyone will be over the moon with the same enthusiasm you have for your success. Trust me ,. even those you trust and value can show negativity that is pointless and hurtful. Ignore them. Its not worth your energy to give it a moments thought. Again as I said Ignorance is Bliss and you cant hate stupid.
Tread carefully as you fact find…. and as you share your news with others.
People are not always as they seem on the surface……….
Thanks for Reading,