My Journey – “And I’ll Cry if I want to”!

Tears are actually quite useful. They wash out and lubricate your eyes. They allow for a real outlet of pent up emotion.In Frozen ‘Let it Go’ style. Sadly they don’t wash away the bloody floater in my right eye, a Harry Potter Dementor that floats into my line of vision whilst typing this. Like its taunting me!Ugh!

So its Christmas and my Birthday. The revelations of my letter and the timing are not ideal for me on an emotional level. Firstly I have a rare arrangement of my whole immediate family coming to us for Christmas Day. Secondly my emotions and nerves are stretched to breaking point. I am like a wound up spring ready to unravel at any moment

Therefore the downside  of tears is that sometimes they threaten to burst on to the scene without warning or invite. Not that I was a blubbering wreck but I was at best ‘On the Edge’ this Christmas Day. Teary from the minute I woke and made worse by the wonderful gifts and home-made bits produced for me by my child at my bedside. Breakfast in Bed, Bucks Fizz, a Santa Sack weighing heavy on my legs and an excited child bouncing up and down opening her pressies from the big bloke with the white beard. My first challenge was keeping a lid on it during a family gathering.

Anger and resentment  bubbled not far from the surface too. Anger that had built up inside me during the whole journey since I came up against opposition to my quest. Resentment that manifested itself in these pent up tears. My feelings were still hurt by the very cheek that it was somehow NOT my right to go on this road for ME! Yes ME, no one else, so if that was selfish so be it.

Its a hard one to shake off and to be brutally honest I don’t think I ever will. I will move forward and have to the point where I can show love and support to my loved ones. But it will stay with me forever.

I also feel disappointment. Not once , knowing the emotional roller coaster I was riding , did any of my Christmas dinner guests ever ask me directly ‘How are You? ‘Not once. Its fair to say they didn’t want the answer. Not that they didn’t care. I don’t think it was that at all. I do think it was Fear. Pure white knuckle fear that I might say something like ‘Actually I am really struggling and pissed off and on the edge and I just need a bloody hug from those I had hoped would be supportive?”.

Hmmmm, you can see why they never asked?! If you don’t fully support something a person is doing you sure as hell don’t want to be confronted with your own inability to offer said support..sucks really but hey , much of this stuff did….and still does….

The opposition to my right to satisfy curiosity was soon to be amplified dramatically (to come in a future chapter)  so for now I knew in my gut that wine was a bad idea today so I savoured the one Mandarin Bucks fizz I was offered in bed…until after my guests left early evening.

Don’t forget, one of my guests had only a couple of weeks before given me such a bollocking that I could still feel the wound he left me with . Guaranteed he hadnt given his outburst a second thought but since then I had thought about little else. His vitriol will remain one of the mysteries of my life but hey, you cant hate stupid. By stupid I dont mean an idiot. He is highly intellectual and very well educated. He is however an emotional child when it comes to expressing his feelings. NO excuse I agree, and to be my brother for over 40 years he should have known better. However, in this case stupid means Ignorant. The lack of understanding and empathy was almost as if he was the younger sibling , not the eldest. That said we agreed to never discuss it again and I truly plan not to with him and he is still my brother and I love him. It was agreed by myself and hubby to assume he was being protective, more of my Mother , certainly not of me….but he was also behaving like a complete TIT! Ha!

and Breathe………….rant over…..relax!

Black Baby Sheep

Moving on….eight burners are roaring with various veg and the makings of a huge Christmas roast is filling the air with a luscious smell of lamb and turkey. My hubby is the best cook in the family (well the one who does it all ) so it would be mean of me to step in and take control wouldn’t it? I am starting to feel nervous as my family wend their way up the coast to our house.

Trust me I like to celebrate my Birthday with  few glasses of wine. Did I divulge today?. I did NOT. Until they left I didn’t trust myself with my already shattered emotions .So for the first time in my adult life I had a dry Christmas lunch!?

Following a rowdy lunch, crackers pulled, my hair pulled by small people at my table, my family all leave, non the wiser that there was a huge secret hanging over us all ..

Truth was,  my Birth Mother was now officially REAL and in my life and nothing would be the same again. For me, for her, them and for the future. Not necessarily a bad thing but a thing all the same!

Christmas Sheep3

Since the arrival of my letter there was delivery of a huge box. This box contained around 12 carefully and individually wrapped gifts from my Birth Mother. Now you have to remember I never met this women in my entire life. She doesn’t know me. How can she know my tastes? My dislikes? In fact I was surely a complete enigma to her.

However, unbelievably every single gift in that box had been chosen with such care that I did almost feel she had to know me. The chosen jewellery, scarf, scented candles, handmade soaps all fairly general , so they couldn’t go far wrong . The cynics amongst you would say ‘Well who dosn’t like a Mulled wine scented candle at Christmas? I get it…..:-)

The perfume she sent me was her favourite, not mine but I liked it. You know why I liked it?? For that moment pulling off the cap I could ‘smell’ my birth mother!!!! Now THAT is super surreal and threw me off my ‘holding back the tears’ stance . I cried. I had saved these gifts until everyone was in bed. I sat quietly late on my Birthday opening each gift one by one. The first gifts from the woman who gave me my eye colour, my ageless skin, my super thick hair , my bone structure. The woman who gave me the most important present of all….The gift of life……….

So WE survived Christmas. I say WE as Hubby was also watching his wife like a Cat watches a mouse nibbling cheese. He was on hand for breakdown, kick off or just a soft weep but enjoyed a drama free day so we fell into bed.Both relieved.

Boxing Day passed without incident , visiting the other side of the family , sharing Christmas Joy and Good Wishes!!;-)

The week between Christmas and New Year was relaxed and uneventful. During the week I decided to arrange for flowers to be delivered in time for New Year. I arranged a bouquet for both new characters in my book of life. E the super lovely and helpful best friend and neighbour, and of course VS, My Birth Mother. I sent both ladies Freesias as I love them and the scent is long lasting.

New Years Day arrives. A beautiful bright day, a great start to a new year with new promise. We took the dog for a long run in the woods , dragging a reluctant child along, who would much prefer playing with one of her million and one new possessions . We returned home after about an hour. I sat down at my PC and noted a missed call on my Skype number. Oh, I rekon that is E thanking me for the flowers. Bless her! Glad they arrived on New Years Day, that’s great!

So as Hubby settles down to a Jigsaw (Yes , I am NOT joking!) and my child dashes off to immerse herself in new stuff, I pick up the land line to return the call . The phone is answered after only a couple of rings to which I launch into ‘Hi E, I saw you rang,  Happy New Year! How are you?’

In a much softer silkier voice , the reply: ‘No love , its not E, this is V!’

Silence

So in my haste I didn’t give time for logic to kick in and had assumed the call was from her neighbour. Here I was . Its New Years Day lunchtime and I am hearing the voice of the woman who gave birth to me as if its the most normal thing in the world.

The initial silence is short lived. For the next hour we chatted merrily like old friends. We covered the weather, Christmas, life in general and everything in between. Wowzers!! So again Nature versus Nurture kicks in. Can this woman talk or what!!? Guess that’s another thing we have in common then eh!?!

She sends her best regards to Hubby who at this point has assumed I am chatting to one of my many good friends as the conversation flowed back and forth without a moments awkwardness.  I said goodbye with a promise to ring her in a couple of weeks, now that hurdle had been conquered. Hubby was more that a bit shocked when I told him who I had just spent an hour chewing the fat with !

So New Years Day of that year was a pretty memorable day.

Hey, and you know what else? Want to guess her favourite flower?  Freesias ! 

seated sheep

Thanks again for Reading

Love Black Sheep

xxx

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