Writing this blog brings back loads of suppressed feelings and memories that it would be unfair not to share. You see, its what makes me the person I am. On the surface I am of course very happy with my life, my family and my dear supportive friends. Reliving this trip of a lifetime (makes it sound like a trip on the Orient Express…more like that erratic boat ride on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) is like cracking open my heart again but I am hopeful someone somewhere is going to get the confidence to press ahead with their Journey.
Before I share the next chapter in my own Journey there are a few pointers I want to share with you.
Be prepared for self doubt, guilt and the feeling that you don’t deserve to find this information for yourself.
Your mind will wander and your heart will race as you gather information during your search. You find someone you think is your target and lead yourself up a path into nowhere . It can be soul destroying and you are convinced you wont succeed. Your quest is not only to find your Birth Mother. Never forget that. Your actual purpose here is to find out what made her give you away, what circumstances forced that decision? The questions you have will raise more emotions than you ever thought possible. I don’t want to be gloomy but you have to prepare yourself for a number of emotions you might not have expected.
For me, I am confident, open with my feelings and find humour in most things. Call it a defence mechanism. However , like all of us I hurt, I get mad and I get down right pissed off at injustice . Therefore as you learn more about your History you will learn more about how you came to be adopted and how you react to these things is not always going to be positive.
I knew now that I had 3 siblings. What happened to them ? At this point I am working on a number of assumptions. I know so far one sibling , my full blood birth brother remained with my BM. Why did she keep him and not me? What did I do that he didn’t for her to give me up? Of course it was no way as simple as that. Point I am making is your doubts start flying around like moths round a street lamp . Your current personal insecurities kick in and you wonder why you are even seeking answers that might give you a whole load more…
My information so far is that my Birth Brother was kept. I wasn’t. Then two further siblings were born after my adoption. Were they kept too? Was it Me she didn’t want? I never shared these thoughts and feelings with anyone at the time so anyone reading this who knows me may well be surprised. You see, I am strong, confident, can laugh it off if it hurts. Cant I? Yes! as a rule but as I said your emotions spring from nowhere and are enough to throw you off course.
Stick at it even if you doubt yourself or your self worth during these stages of the search. Trust your gut and lean on those offering support or you will break into tiny pieces.
I am choked writing this post as I know so many people will step off the path and quit if it starts to hurt. It will. Most of it is shitty and hurts like hell. But it also heals. Healing is a long old process and never ends really but you do have the right to do this. I already told you that you may come up against an argument suggesting you do not have the god given right to do this. Ignore it.
You will from time to time feel deflated and down BUT you have to trust that its all worth the effort!
Your life, Your journey…travel it ….My best piece of advice. Take Care of Your Heart….
Thanks for Reading