My Journey – Part Three

Before I proceed with Part 3 I want to make a couple of things clear. There is no end to the story but there is an end to the journey itself. You assume the end of the journey is whether or not I find my Birth Mother. This is not the end of a journey like this so don’t be fooled . To me the journey began with those terse and blunt written letters and will end when I end. It is a cliche and I don’t care who says so, Life is a journey and I couldn’t have embarked on my Life’s journey until I found the exact place from where to start and those letters opened the doors to my road ahead. The past is important. Anyone not adopted wont  see how that works. For them , Born…raised….became adult, parent , partner, wife, husband etc etc. Everything is ‘known’ . There are no unanswered questions…no hidden secrets…no mystery surrounding their early days or weeks. For someone adopted those aspects of life remain a void, a blank. A empty preface page in your life’s book that no one has filled in.

Someone said to me once ‘ Your life is your Book to write. You live through the Chapters one by one. At the point where you have choices, are mature enough to create your Chapters , you can choose the characters to take forward into the next one and who to erase and leave in the last one.”

My take on this is that given ALL the facts and ALL the information , be it positive or negative , as an adoptee you have to accept ALL of the shit and embrace all of the Honey. My life is in my own hands and without getting too deep I see myself as a pretty Spiritual Soul. Very much a ‘What will Be , Will be’ kind of girl. Therefore , just as you need to be prepared for all the side tracks and upset along the way, you will grow in strength to react appropriately but don’t be naive. Some of my behaviour on this journey going forward may come over as if I was. However, recognise the very real difference between naivety and Hope and Trust.

No one goes into this with a negative expectation, if you do , don’t bother as what’s the point? You will have hopes and dreams but gird your loins for the possibility that it might all turn to utter , devastating shit at any given time.

I am writing this almost with the believe that no one is actually reading it so it is pointless me apologising to you if I bore you with my thoughts…My journey will take you up until the present day as everything that happens in our  past has a bearing on the present.

Say to yourself on a regular basis: The future is in my own hands and how I proceed will be determined on many factors. Most of which are in my control.

It is fair to say that when someone embarks on a journey such as this they learn many truths about themselves, some not that positive but in a way helpful in how to live your life to suit you and those closest to you.

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk— Dalai Lama

Right , where was I? I  introduced you my Man on the Ground (PD) in Part 2. Well he played a major part in Part Three of the journey. 
With the help of 192.com and Google I had already established a last known address of my Birth Mother in the town of my birth, Manchester. I figured that a single (maybe not) women with multiple children and no real family support network …I assumed this , as in the Jamaican culture family is ALL and they would have rallied around her in a crisis and be unlikely to allow a child to be given up without a huge fight. Or so I believed anyway. My presumption was also that my BM was unlikely to have up-sticks and moved very far away so my feeling that I was close was growing stronger but we lived in hope! …So with this address I randomly searched around on Google to find a sniff of a link between the names I had and the address itself. There were no other residents listed on the data on 192.com at that time so I had no way of knowing if siblings lived there with my BM at that time. It appeared not to be so.
Google is an amazing tool isn’t it. But it can send you off course . Beware of believing everything you see with your own eyes when its on the screen courtesy of Google. This particular day I decided to dig deep, and low and behold up popped the address associated with a name! The name was MB..the Surname being a match! Yes a MATCH!!!
Well I had no record of an M with the surname B so could only assume either another sibling or yet another random blood relative who I hadn’t expected to find…
The name was the next tool to use for Search , so me and my mate Google got to work on this new breakthrough..
As I searched against MB my mind raced ahead to all sorts , I kept thinking Oh my God! This MB lives in the last known address of my BM. He must know where she went, if she is alive ..BUT he may not know a damn thing about ME and the History of Life as I know it..
This made me more than a little sad. I took a few days off the search. Something had just occurred to me. The Can of Worms Effect.
Just supposing this MB was a blood relative, couldn’t be a husband as her maiden name was B..mental block there, sorry! BUT he could be a son?? Why isn’t he recorded in Genes Reunited then? Who the hell is this now? Oh dear, my mind was frying. I soon realised that I had to press on, this really was a jewel in the crown of my journey so I had to act on it didn’t I?
Fear began to settle on my heart , like a slow grumble. What if this MB knows nothing and kicks off? What is MB is on the bones of his arse and wants something I am not prepared to give? What if MB has psychopathic tendencies and pulls the wings of small birds as a hobby? GET A GRIP !! Whatever the situation I cannot control it so have to roll with it and stop getting carried away with my imagination!
You will find you have to slap your own wrist quite a lot on this journey…like slapping one of those hysterical women in the old movies before then giving them smelling salts to bring them back around….I kid you not, you will see yourself as that very heroine in Harold Lloyd…
My Man on The ground (PD)  and I set to work…Eventually Google played ball and up popped a reference relating MB with said address  for the dates given…and placed him in the area…actually enjoying a vacation….at Her Majesties Pleasure. Enough said.
Right then…moving swiftly on….
Now I had two choices….go off piste and try and find details about way this vacation took place or leave for another day…
Curiosity being the cat killer I decided to press on and focus on the job in hand. At this point I knew categorically that the registered address was known by that Surname so I had to stay on track…
Thanks for Reading….
With Love,  Black Sheep
xxx

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