Another word of warning to all on this journey. It is often a two way street. Consider this:
You are desperate to find answers to your missing jigsaw …you have worked yourself up to stepping on the roller coaster to find your birth relative, be it Birth Mother, Birth Father , a long lost sibling even. The person you are desperate to stand in front of , and believe me there is nothing more compelling than imagining standing in front of someone who looks just like you. Literally for the very first time EVER! That is a surreal proposition for anyone adopted. Its fair to say they might NOT look like you but there are high chances they will in even a small way,..Eyes, Face shape, hairline, all the tiny characteristics that make you YOU. Without that reflection of a human mirror you are blind to who you really are and how people see you.
However, and here’s the catch: What if that person you seek most certainly DOES NOT want to be found! It happens. You might just as easily walk up to a stranger and they deny any knowledge of you ..Shit , that would hurt right? If it doesn’t strike you as a possible risk then you should not even consider this search.
Early on in my search as you know my fixation on my first target BM was utterly and seriously mentally draining. There just weren’t enough hours in the day and evening to view enough detail about the woman.
Every picture, even every bloody Like, all her Music and Movie tastes..every finite detail that could categorically prove that she was the right person.
Pathetic? You might think so but am guessing you are not adopted if you do…Realism is not something that figures in a search on Social Media. Lets face it, how many times have you lain in bed in your PJs, feeling the frontal banging of a hangover and the start of a cold, yet your first post of the day on Facebook is Happy Monday everyone, lets make it a great day. ! Yes, not so strange is it that we want the outward image of our lives to mask the often pitiful blandness or even misery that we actually feel inside. Dosnt look so great on Facebook though does it..Imagine what happens when you post ‘ You know what, its gonna be a shit weekend, Ive a hangover from hell, wish I could hibernate and frankly the world pisses me off today’ Not the post you want to portray…Same applies to your potential target on Facebook. She or He is showing the best of the best of themselves, not the shit they don’t want to share..so please don’t be fooled into thinking that this person will necessarily be up for welcoming a long lost child (or maybe secret) with open arms..Everyone in their Facebook is in their lives right now. You are not. Therefore they may not want to share this history with 99% of those shiny smiling faces who see what you see when you view her profile…A well dressed, smart open woman with no cares in the world…apart from maybe this one biggy. A dirty secret. A child they were forced or chose to give up. An adoption they would rather forget if allowed..and to date they have managed to do just that..then you rock up!! ..Awkward!;-)
Seriously though, I raise this issue as from my own experience , your time and energy is so much better spent looking for the real person , not a Facebook Profile. The real person may not even be on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin etc. They may be a very private person and NOT want to be found. Consider the fact that the majority of people on Facebook want to be looked at, admired, viewed in a positive light and generally enjoy interaction with people on a fairly grand scale. That’s ME. That is not necessarily my Birth Mother who has secrets.
Isn’t it logical ?
There will be a time later in my search when this will make perfect sense if it dosnt now..my point really is Don’t go adding strangers as a Friend on Facebook. Dont be sending random hopeful messages to strangers who may bring more shit to your life than good…
BEWARE of the AddFriend Button..If you are using Facebook to find a Birth Relative , think of that Button as being renamed
See this article below for more on this subject. Opens your eyes to the risks……….
Thanks for Reading
Lots of Love
Black Sheep xxx
Well said and I get it. My “search” also ended in pain and misery. I wish people the best that try to seek their answers though.
Hey OM, I hear ya..some people will not have the best ending and I want to show people how its dangerous to go blundering in without caution. Love your blog BTW x