Now I know this is long overdue but you know its quite hard to actually get your head round how far you have come until you get chance to stop and look to the sky and say
“OMG actually that was one hell of a ride and I survived”
..Yes I am ready to amuse, amaze and bore you (hopefully not) in equal measure. Be assured NOTHING is left out or made up and this journey is unique to me. I will however tweak names to protect the innocent, or not so, depending on your point of view.
At this point I want to explain the name of my Blog. Black Sheep Sweet Dreams
You see I am the Black Sheep of the family, in more ways than one..not only am I of Caribbean decent (British born) but my adoptive family is pure White British..hence the irony of the name..in essence even if I weren’t Black (not coloured, Brown or any other nonsense PC term) I would still be the Black Sheep of the family. They are all introvert, shy people , highly intellectual with degrees and Ologies oozing from every pore. Me? I am out there, in your face, speak as I find, creative and arty , reasonably intellectual but not Mensa and also a tiny bit naughty…Rules are made to be broken in my book! I’ve loads of friends from all over the world , am blessed with more than my fair share of really special friends who I know would open their arms and welcome me if I needed a hug .Some amazing people came along with me on my journey and I am grateful to each one of them for their support and patience. I am confident, believe laughter,coupled with wine and a good friend can cure all ,and I am not a person to cross – if I see an injustice I am all over it like Calamine over the Pox! But I have a heart as soft as the centre of those horrid little coffee Revels but its layers of protection have been peeled away only in recent years and I suspect this is partly due to completing this lifelong journey and coming out the other side still in one piece……..
December 25th …My birthday! yes, got my own star and everything and even my given birth name is somewhat Christmassy! So Christmas has always proved a difficult time emotionally for me, not only due to being adopted but as I missed out on all the bloody celebrations midyear as a child…However as I got older that factor became less important and the unending questions that popped into my head from about mid November just got louder and louder the closer it got to Christmas Day
A kind of malaise like depression dogged my teenage years and my twenties like I couldn’t describe. A little like having a crossword with one clue left to complete and no way of ever getting the answer. So by the time I was 30 , on Christmas eve I got wasted on Red and Gin and in doing so made the conscious decision that actually it stopped NOW. From that point onwards I made a promise to myself to look forwards, not backwards and leave the unanswered questions until my sanity could handle the answers I might find. Being adopted is a bit like being “borrowed”! Oh I know we are legally children of our adoptive parents, don’t misunderstand me..My point is we didn’t get here by accident. We were chosen , I agree but we were also in someone else’s care, someone else’s womb before this life and we owe it to ourselves to find out what that missing piece of the jigsaw is all about don’t we?
So from aged 30 my decision was to live the life I live and enjoy the world as it was….so I threw myself into my work as an executive suit, embraced my marriage (for what it was worth) and nurtured my family and friends and just cracked on and had a blast for several years. Looking back I knew I would always revisit the burning question of ‘Who am I really? But for now all was sweet.
Following divorce I found myself questioning so many things. My ex sister in law made some crass comment about me to my ex saying ‘ Well she’s been rejected all her life and now you’ve done this to her? Er nope I hadn’t been rejected as an adoptee, I have been given up reluctantly and had to build my strength over the years to recognise my husband as a lying cheating prick actually but hey ho…blame my ‘adoption ‘ on the breakdown of my marriage like its a disease if you like …silly fool
Anyway..back to the point…I met my Best friend a couple of years later, actually already had but never knowingly..he is now my adorable husband, my rock, the most supportive and understanding…and patient man in the world. We had a little girl 3 years after we started seeing each other properly and then WHAM!!!!!Hit me right between the eyes as soon as I looked down at this crinkled grey face. This new person is mine to nurture, raise as best I can and will one day look at me and ask the same questions I am asking myself. I made a promise on that day to cut back on my stressful work commitments , change my lifestyle to work around my baby girl and find the answers when the time was right and permitted ….roll on 5 years and my journey came into focus…..
My advice to anyone embarking on this journey is consider the following VERY carefully:
Who will be supporting you? How much time do you have to put into the search and will your family allow that time? Do you tell those closest to you that you are doing this ? Are you mentally and emotionally equipped to encounter the information you will gather along the way. ? Have you considered how you would feel if this person is deceased? Can you focus long enough to swerve the twists and turns in the road that throw you off the scent. How critical can you be of yourself ? Are you a stayer or will you quit at the first hurdle?
So the first step was to tell my Mother and my siblings my plan to find my Birth Mother. Both siblings showed support (initially) and my Mother pulled out all the stops to help me and learn the information as I went along, to the point we were on the same page with the curiosity (remember this point as later in my journey you will raise an eyebrow..well two probably)..Anyway lets leave that there for now…my hubby and closest friends were all on board and a particularly special friend, probably my BFF in cyber space and an earth angel acted as an essential buffer for the letters sent to women who we were convinced were a fit…everyone needs one of these amazing people for this journey…just like a layer of brilliant protection for you until you are ready to lower all your barriers….more of that later…
Next step: Do it properly I kept being told so I went along to my local adoption charity where I knew people having raised funds in a Trade fayre some time before. My friends there allowed me councilling to check I was in the right place to do this epic journey. I was. Happy marriage, loving family, great work life of my choosing and tip top health..As I was adopted via the C of E Adoption Charity I could not be helped by this agency specifically so I trotted along to the local council like the upstanding adoptee I am…I applied for my Adoption File and a copy of my original Birth certificate. So far so good.
Now something you don’t know about me is that I spent many years in Head Hunting..that’s where you pin point a specific talent or person and go fetch for a fair amount of dosh. This has allowed me to treat this search as a mammoth Head hunt assignment and I was ready and prepared to find this person – Alive (preferably) or dead. She existed so therefore she could and would be found. NO time limit just a determination that as long as I kept up the impetus I wouldn’t give up willingly…
Thanks for reading ….now I have your attention I will crack on…next post soon….